u/Diligent_Set_1797

My entire life I've never had anyone I could trust to help me through anything. I can't win. I do one thing not enough I do it exactly right I should have done something else. My pain literally defined who I was my entire life. I realized this when my recent partner emotionally abused me in psychosis, I didn’t even know I needed help and my mom heard me not make any sense over calls for months and put me into the mental hospital. If I was still with him I would have been overdosed with Tylenol and ibroprophen and could have died in his bed. After getting medicated I realized just how unsafe i truly was. And none of it was actually in my head.
The people in my past benefited from how I gave them whatever they wanted and I was the person they could safely take their frustration out on and distract themselves from their pain trying to "fix" me. I'm just done with it. I decided to take the hardest step in my trauma and I ended contact with the toxic people in my life. I parted ways with my bio dad. (Which is something l've always needed to do) I denied a friend request from my ex and broke up with that partner. I just got a new job I like. And I'm reminding myself that the further i am away from toxic people the less lonely I will feel and the more stable | will be. And it was such a big step for me because I didn't even comprehend how bad shit actually was. I was so numb to everything. But the thing is I am DONE making excuses for myself. I want to be able to prove to myself I'm not what others said | was. And I deserve better than what I went through. I deleted anything off my phone that had to do with my trauma. I literally threw away things that I had at the time (old notebooks, pictures, items that held trauma) and although these things felt unnecessary to me before, I don't think it anymore. I just wasn't ready to let go of everything that I thought I had. (I kept the evidence in a private place away from my sight) My mom let me move in at her house, for her I am grateful I ended up in GA. What keeps me going is realizing how much I would have done without them. I can accomplish my goals now that I left. And I’m prepared to get a restraining order from him if he ever comes back around. As he tried to harass me off Instagram. I’m grateful I’m safe now. And I’m NEVER going back.

I’ve been in many toxic relationships and I get advised over and over again to be friends with girls but the problem is they don’t relate to me. Most girls have no idea what it’s like to not have anyone. And they act as if everything I do is for attention. And they claim to relate to me on feelings and fears they project onto me. I get treated poorly everywhere I go. I’ve never had anyone I could trust to help me through anything. I’m working on it but it’s just so hard for me. I can’t win. I do one thing not enough I do it exactly right I should have done something else. I’ve decided not to take any advice from people who aren’t where I wanna be in life. My pain literally defined who I was my entire life. I want to let it go. And the people who knew me in my past benefited from how I was I gave them whatever they wanted and I was the person they could safely take their frustration out on and distract themselves from their pain trying to “fix” me. I’m just done with it. I decided to take the hardest step in my trauma and I ended contact with the toxic people in my life. I parted ways with my bio dad. (Which is something I’ve always needed to do) I denied a friend request from my ex. I just got a new job I like. And I’m reminding myself that the further I am away from toxic people the less lonely I will feel and the more stable I will be. And it was such a big step for me because I didn’t even comprehend how much bad I put up with. I was so numb to everything. But the thing is I am DONE making excuses for myself. I want to be able to prove to myself I’m not what others said I was. And I deserve better than what I went through. I deleted anything off my phone that had to do with my trauma. I literally threw away things that I had at the time (old notebooks, pictures, items that held trauma) and although these things felt unnecessary to me before, I don’t think it anymore. I just wasn’t ready to let go of everything that I thought I had. And all the time I spent being misunderstood and I’m starting to take my own advice.
Wish me luck lol hopefully this was inspiring.