u/Disastrous-Cow6614

I know it might sound dumb or a small problem but I feel like it’s just the one part of my life I do feel in control of is self expression

Im just so mad that I can’t have my cute room forever and I’m gonna be in a foster home/group home & Im scared of having my clothes stolen or my stuff. Im really scared for my belongings . And I’m just scared I won’t be able to feel good about myself and I’ve thought of asking people if I could store stuff at their house & just keep what I need with me. ruining my clothes and not being able to get to pick out a specific replacement Everything that makes me me. All my belonging. Im just scared of not being able to be who I want to be

Going into foster home/group home

Like everything is so perfect and beautiful and I’m so sad like this is me

I am scared , Im thinking of hiding all my important stuff.

It’s a privilege 

I feel disgusting a lot of the time already and like Im slop.

I’ll be going into foster care by the end of the summer but my dcs worker hasn’t been responding to any texts I contacted someone about getting a social worker they said I’ll get one when I’m put into the system. Nobody is showing any care towards me she just said well be working on finding placement nobody’s telling me to pack my bags or preparing me for anything 

decorating.
my savings.

Freedom to watch whatever show or movie . Be by myself wear whatever I want cause I have my own room. Im being stripped of all that. And I wish I could just live where I am now where we detached from each other were just in the same house and I take care of myself practically , she gave up on me before we got to do therapy

It’s just as much her fault as it is mine.

They act like it’s all my fault. 

I really feel invisible when I’m not expressing myself Im scared of having it all taken away , im scared of feeling trapped and like there’s no autonomy.

the idea of a group home has been appealing to me cause I know there supposed to be following a strict schedule not just parenting in a personal opinion way.

I just feel like my teen years are something Im gonna have to live through but not let it mean much for the long run.

My grandma is scared of me. And it’s obvious.

She avoids any emotional commitment to me

I get I yell i scream I hit things Im paranoid and I project onto her.

But I never hit her or anything.

I wanted group therapy but she gave up on me before that.

She’s the victim and Im the abuser it seems, but I don’t feel like that’s true.

Im going into foster care/group home.

Im not violent.

She’s also tested me and I’ve screamed and hit things but she seriously did do stuff to make me angry. Im sorry I don’t have total control and it was just supposed to be calm right? She knew what she was doing. She’s like “ Look how mad she can get! Im being abused .”

i felt trapped

and constantly doubted

and I read into every action projecting what I feared was there and was so certain that it was there.

controlled, I never got to leave the house. Her attempts to parent me were so insecure and she always had to force me into doing the right thing instead of guiding me gently 

Im so insecure and fear so badly of not being seen as enough.

Scared she’s seeing what I said snd thinking of it the wrong way.

Stalking my phone, etc.

Those were just parnoia ^^

I had no freedom 

My routine was

Taken to school by her

picked up by her.

Tried going out but she made it so difficult .

No friends. 

And was seen as someone sheltered, which I wasn’t I had lived life just a few months ago.

The second we got the airport to move in with her i was angry. I don’t even know why exactly cause she hadn’t really shown doubt then, but I must’ve just known that it wasn’t the same and I was being looked down on and doubted yet back home people weren’t so overbearing i was suffering just a lil bit but I was so free and that’s what I’m used to . And she’s insecure with her parenting as well she doesn’t know how. She just puts me into the stereotype of a teenager and bases everything off that. But others didn’t. 

I guess I’ve just been my own person for a very long time and I never really was being parented. And I didn’t want to be.

She doesn’t know how to.

Like her boundaries just to me are telling me I suck and I can’t be trusted

But to me Im more fluid I can’t explain it

And I understand now that maybe be doing one thing and her saying “Im not being abused anymore “ wasn’t that one thing but abunch of other things afyer one action that was almost justifiable.

And I should’ve just tried to get over it with her and go to the movies, but I still really really really needed therapy. But I wasn’t trying to do nothing wrong & she also should’ve tried a little harder & people should listen to me but nobody did.

People deserve second chances , people change snd even an abuser isn’t purposely being an abuser. & seeing myself in people helps knowing they got a second chance it’s not uncommon as a teenager. 

Im willing to let it go .

Nobody knows what it’s like at the same time. 

During school I felt like foster care could be a fresh start but now Im just scared of it. i felt so trapped and so misunderstood and idk why that hurts me so so so much. 

im a person just like her not just violent

ut still makes me mad. Why can’t I just let go

now what . Im so terrible. People don’t want me around . And it’s true nobody really cares too much about each other.

i tried to feel in control. 

I actually stopped being angry I really stopped being as angry after finding a community online.

Seriously it was so good for me

Why am I like this ? And maybe it’s all because of me cause she was trying to do the right thing and it just made me feel trapped and I was violent

im scared of being a narcisst snd being completly horrible person and unlovable snd undeserving. and unable to change. ive been called it by ppl who dint kniw whst it id sfter i didnt put in as much work as they wished i wouldve being lazy. but i really dont see it as narc. but un scared and afraud like imm invapable of knoeing myself if i am one but even if i am.one if just feel hirrible like im unloveable. and sven a therapist has saud it to ne as a insult and i get rhst it mught seem rhat way but i know why im the way i am and he disnt understand that I know the cause of this behavior i just didn’t have the time to get it straight and explain myself but even then why? Why would I explain myself. It likely wouldn’t help.

I just wanna give up and be self reliant. I don’t mean to be a burden I wish I could do it all the right way. I don’t feel like I have the energy to stop before I act / speak anymore too much overthinking about who I am.