Is it over for me ?
Like I will be honest, I didn't attended any coaching in 11th 12th studied by myself scored 74 % in as pcb student , I was sure of two things I didn't wanted study maths in academic context nor was interested in neet or being doctor.
Goal was bachelor of pharmacy , but then I actually saw degree and realised , the impact potential of the degree is very less so I diverted towards biotech. The more studied about biotech , biochemistry and cell and molecular biology, the fascinated I was , now I know I don't know like hand full of biotech industry but yk whenever I study it , like the papers and projects, the details fascinate me.
So I gave iat in 2025 just on boards level prep , and my basics were quite clear back then atleast for grade 12th, but man wtf was that drop year ,
I always felt like I had adhd symptoms but in my drop year I was lonelier than ever and like the life became hell , I lost the perception of time and discipline, lost the appetite to eat rn 50 kg at 5'9 , yk I had great visualization of chapter coordinate chemistry at one point of starting on drop year , where I was able visualise every sub shells and their interactions etc.
My attention span has gonna so bad like , I sacrificed my social life , no friends or hanging out , no games , no movies or web series , no social media , just because I thought if I would eliminate enough things from my life I would be able to focus on my studies but it never happened
My attention span got worse than ever ,
My working memory got so bad like I was so frustrated I use study goc and for a week and next when I use to start hydrocarbon, I just couldn't recall anything from goc , this was me in Feb and around that time even when I forced myself to stay in one place and focus on stuff, my legs use to start shaking on their own from anxiety.
All I just want to say is , I tried man and I hate myself that I took a bet on myself of a year and yet I didn't achieve the thing I wanted. I haven't been diagnosised but nothing other than adhd explains my condition better.
Niser is tomorrow, iiser is day after tomorrow, nest is a gone game , for iiser , I will just revise formulas and fight for atleast 10k rank so that I can show my family that something improved
But honestly I don't give a fuck about iisers , nisers or any college for that matter , I just want new friends , a good profs who is enthusiastic about teaching me and a well equipped lab with basic instrument.
I hate the fact that despite being so much abudent in human resources as country , our govt proudly conducts exams to eliminate students instead building enough infrastructure so that students can actually study what they want to. And the fact that we proudly celebrate this artificially made scarcity mindset due incompetence of govt.
Regardless my failures are due to my incompetence , I am not going to put even 20% of blame on govt,
But honestly I have no motivation for taking a partial drop and again trying to iat, because I just want a break physics and chemistry syllabus of grade 11th and 12th....
In mind I have this notion that I should just join a bsc or btech course in central university or private university focused into my area of interest , do something in it ( I have a few ideas in my mind) and create profile try to land masters outside , instead of running the race again.
Am I being to over confident? I honestly think that once I will have a decent social life , all of my symptom's would reduce and I might be able to learn some stuff and another reason is my biology didn't became that worse despite period of loneliness and everything , I still understand stuff.