u/Disastrous_One127

Someone brought this up in a previous post of mine.

Muslims often react very badly to women not wearing hijab. Heck, even if you are wearing hijab, they'll still react if you're wearing it "incorrectly": showing some hair, your neck, or not dressing "modestly" enough.

But if showing your hair is supposedly akin to nudity, then why do Muslims have no problem interacting with non-hijabi women?

Think about it; if you saw a naked person, you wouldn't just shrug it off. You would avoid looking, leave the area, or call the police. It wouldn't matter what that person's religion or beliefs are.

By that logic, Muslims shouldn't even be outside, because they're technically surrounded by "nudity."

But that's the thing.

You know, I know, and we all know that hair isn't sexual. Hair is not a sexual organ. No sane person reacts to hair the way they would to actual nudity.

And why hair, of all things? A woman's face is arguably more attractive than her hair. If the concern is preventing attraction, why is the face left uncovered?

At least niqabis are consistent.

Even when I wore hijab, I never found the "it's about modesty" argument convincing. Because what is immodest about hair?

It's more accurate to call hijab a religious symbol, similar to a yarmulke or turban, then something for "modesty".

Growing up, I was taught that my worth lay in my body. How covered it was. How “pure” I was.

My mom would tell me that a guy will date a "fashionable" girl, but ultimately marry the "modest" girl.

She once had a nightmare where I was wearing a miniskirt.

Not me dying. Not me hurt. Me wearing a...miniskirt?

But as I grow older, the cracks started to form.

You mean to tell me, that an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-merciful God: the Creator of galaxies, oceans, and every living thing, is deeply concerned with whether my hair is covered? Or the fabric on a woman’s body?

That doesn’t sound like God at all. That sounds an awful lot like a petty, abusive man.

Although I've long moved on from those beliefs, my body still hasn't caught up yet.

I still feel uncomfortable wearing a T-shirt. I still hear that familiar voice telling me I'm disappointing Allah. That I'm sinning. That I'm shameful.

For a long time, I mistook that voice for my own conscience.

But I realize that voice was never mine.

It was years of conditioning. Years of being taught that my worth depended on how modest and obedient I was. Years of being taught to shrink myself and not draw attention.

Now, I see it for what it is: a script written by someone else. Someone trying to control me.

I noticed that women take it off after wearing it are treated much worse then women who never wore it in the first place.

At worse, those women will be seen as "sinful". At best, people will give them the benefit of the doubt and think they will eventually wear it. There is no other "reference point", so them not wearing it is the default.

But if you take it off after wearing it, you are seen as having "fallen". As "choosing" to sin.

Which makes no sense. Like, at least I tried?

This is why it's especially sinister seeing a child wear hijab. You are setting them up for failure if they ever want to take it off.

I find it sinister how often women's religious trauma is invalidated or dismissed.

Especially by other women. They'll be sympathetic at first, but will ultimately defend Islam over anything else, including your feelings.

I also hate the assumption that the only reason someone might dislike hijab is because of trauma, and that if they hadn't experienced that trauma, they would've loved it.

But even if that were true, why would that make someone's feelings any less valid? Our experiences absolutely shape how we relate to things. Trauma doesn't invalidate someone's experiences or make it less deserving of being taken seriously.

The Muslim community is more concerned with protecting the image of Islam than with the people who are hurt by it. It's always "That's culture, not Islam" but never "What happened to you?". They are more concerned that you took off hijab (as a rational response to trauma) than the fact that you were traumatized by it.

Someone aptly put it here that it is like a slave escaping their oppressor, and then being criticized for escaping, rather than questioning why they escaped in the first place.

I also find it frustrating that we're constantly expected to add disclaimers like, "Not all hijabis!" whenever we talk about our experiences. Yet people who speak positively about hijab are rarely expected to add similar caveats or acknowledge those who were harmed by it.

Ever since I took off hijab, I've just been going through a huge identity crisis.

I wore hijab from childhood, and took it off as an adult. So it was a huge part of my life.

Now, I have to relearn how to dress, how to do my hair, etc. Even down to who I am.

I feel very behind.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Did anyone else outgrow hijab?

In hindsight, I feel like I would’ve stopped wearing hijab eventually. Maybe because my relationship with religion would’ve changed. Or maybe because it no longer made sense for my life.

Frankly , it’s unrealistic that we’re expected to wear the exact same thing for the rest of our lives with no breaks.

For me, hijab was something I simply outgrew. Kind of like an old pair of shoes.

I’m angry that I “chose” to wear hijab as a child, and now am being punished for that choice as an adult.

I feel like my childhood was stolen from me. Because what child can make a lifelong decision such as hijab?

When I first took it off, my mom got upset, telling me how I used to such a “good muslim girl”.

But was I ever? Or was I just a little girl who wanted approval like any other?

Now I’m suffering the consequences of taking off I never truly understood.

I feel like a huge injustice is being done against me.

I know I can’t go back in time. And that I only have the future to look forward too.

But I’m so angry.

Does anyone else get irked by this phrase?

The word "journey" implies that there is a destination everyone is supposed to arrive at.

Notice how it's almost always said to women who don't wear hijab. The assumption is that we're all on the same path, and that eventually we should be wearing it. Our feelings and autonomy be damned.

Imagine if a stranger came up to you and said "Running a marathon is a journey. InshaAllah you'll do it one day," You would think they were crazy. How do you even know I want to run a marathon? Who decided that is my goal?

But that’s exactly what they do. They impose their views onto others without any consideration whatsoever.

Sorry, YOU are on a hijab journey. Not me. Don't bring me into this.

I bet these same (presumably hijabi) women would be offended if a niqabi told them, "Niqab is a journey. InshaAllah Allah will guide you."

Yet they have no problem telling this to other women.

To be completely honest, the reason I don’t want to wear hijab is because of the lifestyle.

We spend a lot of time debating whether hijab is mandatory or not, but rarely talk about the lifestyle that comes with it.

Let’s be honest: wearing hijab is more than just clothing. It is a lifestyle. And that lifestyle comes with real responsibilities that should not be understated. Just as being a vegan or eating healthy comes with certain responsibilities, so does hijab. I don’t that is controversial to say.

Personally, I don’t want that lifestyle. I don’t want to be constantly scrutinized by Muslims and non-Muslims. I don’t want to feel like I stand out or like I am constantly representing Islam. I don’t want to rearrange my whole life around hijab.

And honestly, I like the ease that comes with not wearing hijab. I like being able to feel the wind in my hair and the sun on my skin. I like being able to wear what I want. I like being able to simply exist as myself.

I know some people will say, “This dunya is a test.” But I don’t want to spend my life forcing myself into something that does not feel right for me. We only have one life, and I would rather live mine in a way that is authentic.

Just as not everyone wants to be vegan, not everyone wants to be a hijabi. That does not mean someone is shallow, lost, or “struggling” with hijab.

This is not a jab at hijabis. I respect women who choose to wear it. If wearing hijab brings them happiness and peace, more power to them.

But that is not my experience.

Muslims love to compare the hijab to a nun’s habit.

If a nun’s habit can be respected, why can't hijab?

But it is extremely disingenuous to compare the two, because they are nowhere near the same.

First of all, being a nun is a choice. Catholic women are not raised with the expectation that they will become nuns. Nor are they taught that they are deficient or sinful if they don't.

That cannot be said for muslims, where women and girls are taught from a very young age that they must wear hijab or they will go to hell. Or that they are "bad" muslims/people if they don't wear it.

Second, nuns can choose to stop being nuns. A nun can leave her religious order, stop wearing the habit, and return to ordinary life without being ostracized. On the other hand, hijab is expected to be a lifelong commitment, and taking it off can come with major social consequences.

Finally, there's a difference voluntary religious vocation and an expectation placed on ordinary women. Being a nun is a specific vocation that someone can choose. Hijab is considered mandatory for all women, regardless of whether they choose it or not.

Muslims should stop acting oblivious as to why people criticize hijab. Not every criticism is racism or Islamophobia. There are real problems with hijab, and crying “Islamophobia” every time the subject comes up is intellectually dishonest.

People are not criticizing a piece of cloth. They are criticizing the expectations, pressure, guilt, and social consequences that often surround it. Pretending those issues do not exist does not make them disappear.

I feel like hijab made me very self-conscious.

Not necessarily in the sense of beauty, but in the sense that I'm always aware of my body and how it's perceived.

As a hijabi, you're constantly worrying about how you look. Whether you’re "modest" enough. Whether your hair or neck are showing. What people will think of you. Even your behavior. Whether you are "Islamic" enough. Whether you represent Islam properly, etc...

Ironically, hijab is supposed to make you focus less on appearance. But for me, it did the opposite.

I'm actively trying to unlearn this. I’m trying to learn that my body is not something I need to constantly manage or be ashamed of. That my worth is not determined by how covered I am, how I dress, or how other people perceive me.

But it is hard unlearning years of childhood conditioning

Taking it off has been both a relief and a struggle. A relief because now I can just exist without constantly worrying about whether I'm being "modest" enough. But also a struggle because I'm realizing just how much of my identity revolved around hijab and modesty.

In a weird way, taking it off wasn't the hard part. The hard part has been untangling all the beliefs, fears, shame, and guilt that came with it.

Does anyone else feel like this? How are you unlearning shame and guilt?

Even though I took off hijab over a year ago, I'm still not free from it.

My whole family wears hijab, which include my mom and younger sister. Whenever I go out with my family, I'm still expected to wear it so that it doesn't look "weird".

I tried to challenge this. One time, I styled my hair and everything for my birthday dinner. But then at the last minute, my mom made me wear it. I tried to argue this with her, saying that it's my birthday. But my mom kept being like "it looks weird if everyone but you wears it".

What got me most was when she said that since I wore hijab since childhood, I should still "maintain the habit".

Needless to say, I hate going out with my family now. And I try to avoid it as much as possible.

I know I should be grateful that I was able to take it off at all. Thankfully, I don't wear hijab most of the time.

But I just hate that hijab is still in my life at all. I just want it gone.

How should I deal with this? I'm actively trying to move out, but that won't happen anytime soon.

Every time I wear hijab, I feel like I'm going backwards. I hate having to fight for basic autonomy :/

There's a certain grief that comes with not being accepted for who you are.

For context, my whole family wears hijab. I wore hijab from childhood into adulthood. My mom and younger sister still wear it.

Now, my family does tolerate me not wearing it. They still love me, and I know they care about me.

But deep down, I know they wish that I put it back on. That one day, I will realize the error of my ways and come back to what they believe is "right."

And that feeling is really difficult to process.

To be honest, it bothers me that my family sees me as "sinful" or as someone who is doing something wrong simply because I don't cover my hair anymore.

I feel jealous of girls who never had the expectation of hijab. Girls who can just... exist without their family seeing them as sinful.

I know my family is coming from their own beliefs, and I don't think they intentionally want to hurt me. I know I shouldn't care so much about what they think.

But it's hard knowing they may never fully accept me for who I am.

A big reason I took it off was because I no longer wanted to be a walking billboard for an entire religion.

As a hijabi, you are expected by both Muslims and non-Muslims to represent Islam. The hijab speaks for you before you ever do. You are expected to act and be a certain way. You can never just be yourself.

Not to mention how unfair it is that women have the burden of representing Islam, but not men. Especially when women are the most vulnerable to Islamophobia, violence, harassment, and misogyny.

So I find it funny when Muslims say that hijab allows women to be seen as individuals and not by their appearance. But in the same breath, they'll say that hijab is a symbol of Islam, a form of dawah, and a way to visibly represent the religion.

So which one is it?

Personally, I don't want the responsibility of representing 2 billion people. The only person I want to represent is myself.

Whenever a woman takes off hijab or dresses a certain way, there’s always some weirdo saying she’s “encouraging haram.”

First of all, what the hell does that even mean?

Strangers on the internet are not your babysitters. Whether you like it or not, other people exist, and they’re going to make choices you don’t like. Womp womp, deal with it!

If someone else’s personal life choices trigger you that much, maybe you should look into that instead of hating.

Muslims should stop acting like they are Allah’s personal assistants and mind their business. Your job is to manage your own relationship with God, not other’s. No one wants your “advice”! Nobody asked, nobody cares.

If you told me five years ago that I would take off hijab, I would've never believed you.

I actually never had any thoughts of taking off hijab. I never "struggled" with it. On the contrary, I couldn't understand why someone would take it off.

But life is like a box of chocolates - you never know what you're gonna get.

Lately, I've been doing some exposure therapy.

I've been experimenting with my clothing a bit more. Now that it's summer, I'm starting to wear T-shirts and sometimes even shorts.

To be honest, I am still uncomfortable wearing those things. Even after a year, I still feel guilty sometimes for not wearing hijab. It also doesn’t help that I still live with my family.

The biggest thing I’m realizing is that the guilt and shame will not disappear overnight. Maybe some guilt will always be leftover. Therefore, the goal isn’t to wait until I feel absolutely no guilt. The goal is to do it despite the guilt.

The only way through it is to keep exposing myself to the things that scare me, over and over again, until my brain learns that I am safe and that nothing catastrophic happens.

Whenever I feel guilty, I ask myself: “Would God really throw me into hell over clothing?” and “Would I have felt this way if I wasn’t raised with hijab?”

Those questions remind me that a lot of my fear and guilt come from years of conditioning, not because I am actually doing something wrong.

I think a lot of people expect that once they make a decision for themselves, the fear and guilt will instantly disappear. But sometimes you can change your beliefs before your nervous system can catch up.

Is anyone else going through something similar or doing their own version of exposure therapy?

Taking off hijab definitely showed me the dark side of the muslim community.

When I wore hijab, I was accepted. And I never had any doubts or questions about Islam.

But now that I’ve taken off, I’ve started to see the dark side. The way I was yelled at by my mom. The way I and others are treated. The way I’m seen as “deficient” and sinful.

The muslim community is so vile and misogynistic. I want nothing to do with them.

Consequently, I’ve started to question and doubt Islam (and religion as a whole).

Has anyone else felt like this?

A “Panopticon” is the idea of a prison where a guard can observe inmates at any time, but the inmates never know when they’re actually being watched. Eventually, the inmates start to regulate their own behavior as if they are always under surveillance.

I couldn’t help but think...that sounds a lot like hijab!

When you wear hijab, you’re constantly being “watched.” You’re expected to represent an entire religion in every space you enter. You are not an individual anymore, but a symbol that carries meaning for other people’s judgments and assumptions.

You are judged by both Muslims and non-Muslims. You are judged for how “religious” you are, how modest you are, whether you are “too strict” or not strict enough, or whether you’re an “extremist.” Your body becomes public property, up for debate and criticism.

Eventually, you start policing yourself. How you speak. How you act. What you wear. What you allow yourself to do. You internalize others' gaze and begin monitoring yourself long before anyone else has the chance to.

The surveillance no longer needs to come from outside because it has already taken root within you.

And that is completely by design.

No wonder people are so angry when a woman takes it off. She is refusing the role that others have assigned to her. She is stepping outside a system that depended on her participation.

She is no longer playing by the* *rules.

I often see people thinking that convincing their parents that hijab isn’t mandatory is going to work. That with the right scholar, or the right article, they will get their parent’s permission, and finally be able to take it off.

But there is a big problem with this.

The problem is, you are implying that your choice to wear hijab depends on whether your hijab is mandatory or not, and whether your parents agree with that.

But the thing is, even if hijab was undeniably mandatory, it still wouldn’t erase your agency or give your parents the right to control your life. Religion, your body, and your life are still ultimately yours.

Ironically, by trying to prove hijab isn’t mandatory, you end up trapping yourself. It turns your personal decision into something you have to earn, rather than a given right.

A lot of people say, “My parents will do xyz if I just take it off.” But that's your answer. If your parents are willing to punish, threaten, or emotionally harm you over hijab, than the issue was never really about hijab. It's control.

This is why decentering your parents is so important. You cannot keep seeking their permission for everything you do. Yes, it will be awkward. Yes, there might be some screaming and crying. But eventually, most people come around and adjust when they realize you won't budge.

So what do you do instead? Realize that you don’t need anyone’s approval to live your life. Instead of asking, “How do I get my parents to approve?” ask, “What will I do if my parents never approve?” And then plan accordingly.

It is time we stop seeking permission to live our lives.