Adolescence
What I think of marriage and companionship? I think it's a beautiful thing to find your compliment in this cold fleeting, and temporary world. Having someone around that makes the cold winter nights, warm and cozy. Someone to turn old with, watching each others hair turn gray or teasing about the new wrinkle being formed around your cheek or lower eyes. It is a beautiful thing and a concept that you can be intimate both physically and psychological with someone that is mutually exclusive just for you, someone you can be vulnerable with someone who'd be your corner stone like you are theres, it truly is a remarkable and beautiful institution that god has kept in place and is somewhat there, but as for me I don't think I deserve companionship, because I lack almost everything someone looks for in someone else...I lack the ability to comprehend other people's emotions, I lack the sense of responsibility to cater to another person, I lack the emotional intelligence to be there for someone all and all I just feel ugly...which I am both inside and out...I hate the way I look I hate the way my face is with all it's deformities and flaws...I hate my body and not amout of weight lifting can fix the wreck I am... Undesirable, I think that's the correct word. Undesirable like who'd want me? Now who'd want me just for me? I mean one day under the pressure from my parents and the supposed "Gunnah mai ma parjai" narrative i'd be forced upon an unfortunate woman who'd have to bear her life living with me, tortured for the rest of her mortal days....do I wish to inflict such trauma and hurt on someone due to my own incompetence of not being able to comprehend another person? to understand her...? No. I think If I marry someone she'd be the most "BadKismat" person to walk this earth... having to bear me and my quirks for the rest of your days is just isn't something i wish to inflict upon someone. All of this stems from my social isolation my inability to bond with people and thanks to my mother who'd always remind me how ugly and undesirable I am as a person (she's right ig), I know I might come off as corny or edgy or ffs "emo" (ew) or even "pick me" (ew 2x) but that's how it is IG...I dunno what will happen from this point on I'd just probably be the cool uncle and live my days in peace of solitude accepting my fate as undesirable... it's kinda peaceful in a odd way. (sorry for the rant just had to get it out of my system)