Dealing with in-laws when planning a wedding
I’m in need of some help… or maybe some validation?
My fiance and I are from 2 very different words. I’m from a broken home with not a lot of money. He is from a family with no divorces and heaps of wealth.
We have been together 5 years and have a 3 year old.
We got engaged 2 years ago and started planning the wedding. My in-laws offered to help financially - we were allowed a budget the same as my sister in law. This was super nice of them as we have been struggling financially since our child was born.
Now I’ve never really dreamed of being a bride, I’m very introverted. I’d love to get married on the top of a mountain with no one around but my partner wants his family there. My mum’s second wedding was an elopement and my brother is against marriage. I really love my fiance and want to marry him but it’s making me so anxious.
2 years ago we started planning and then the in laws started taking control. They didn’t just give us money, we had to almost get approval for every little thing before they’d help. And they often dictated and ‘suggested’ based on what my sister in law did. Every decision was a sales pitch. Then they lectured me about inviting my dad (who my mum left as he was abusive) because it’s important for my son to have a relationship with him. This caused me to spiral emotionally and I was really depressed. I made up an excuse about needing surgery and cancelled everything we’d pencilled in.
Fast forward to today - I really want to be married and have the same surname as my son. We suggested a small intimate ceremony in the Cotswolds in September. Reason being that my family are in the UK (we live in NZ).and my finance’s family are all there in September. We would then have another ‘wedding in NZ’ which would have lots of friends and family. The In laws were thrilled and offered to pay.
We found a little pub and would have 11 immediate family members and 5 children. Small intimate vows, lawn games and then lunch in the pub. Simple dress, minimal flowers, photographer for a few hours. This all makes me feel less anxious and almost excited!
But
In laws are now dictating that their cousins in the UK (who I’ve never met) should be there and they’ve demanded to see the guest list because ‘they are paying’. They said it’s very important to them and my sister in law as they are very close to them. My fiance pushed back and they are disappointed and almost holding the money ransom until they get their way.
They could see how upset I was on the phone and they wouldn’t budge. I’ve told them so many times how anxious I am and they don’t get it. They’re like ‘it’s only 2 more people’. But it’s not the point in my mind? Where do we draw the line?
I can potentially get a loan from a family member if we decided to pay for the UK wedding which I don’t mind but is that going to cause more issues?
Now I’m spiralling again….