I am sober, my boyfriend is not. We broke up after he drove drunk…
My dating profile said “I like my life alcohol free, drug free, and porn free,” when we matched. As we dated he said he “occasionally has drinks with friends.” As we got to know each other it was much more frequent than I expected or was really comfortable with. In fairness to him it was typically only one or two, but more than I have had around me in almost a decade. Then he started a new career that had him away for 3 months. He started going out on the weekends with work friends to have a beer or two. One night he says he had 5 beers and a shot, but didn’t leave his car. I called it quits.
He says he wants to fight for the relationship. Very recently he asked me to set clear boundaries about alcohol in the relationship.
This is what I want to send….I want some outside feedback, please.
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I was asked to set clearer boundaries about my expectations of alcohol in the relationship. I thought I should put this in writing. I hope this is articulate and clear.
My choice to end the relationship was multi-faceted.
I feel like five beers and a shot in a 3-hour window is a very obvious and significant risk. I saw this as a breach of trust. Your judgement without my influence led to a decision that was gambling with your new career, dangerous, and flat out not a smart choice.
When I expressed my discomfort with it there was no remorse shown. The response was “I’m sorry that pissed you off.” How can I trust there will be smart decisions in the future if you don’t think THIS was a bad decision?
When I asked why alcohol was more present in our lives the response was, “because I don’t think it’s a problem.” Alcohol in MY life IS a problem. It has caused a lot of destruction and pain, and I worked hard to create an environment that includes friends, family, and a home where alcohol is rare. I do not trust that you will hold and protect ME if you believe it is not a problem. This was the final straw which made me say it was a deal breaker.
So how can we re-build trust on this issue?
I need open communication about when you are consuming alcohol. If you’re having a drink I want to know. I need this in order to feel secure in transparency and honesty, and for me to manage my expectations. As partners who live together this feels simple. Just a “heads up, having a drink with so and so.”
I need an advocate for me. I need someone who will actively protect my need to reduce the presence of alcohol in my life. If you want to continue to try to understand, I am open to sharing. I am not open to being convinced about why I should be fine with it. I am willing to be in an environment where others are indulging when I feel included and free to excuse myself.
“On occasion,” in the Miriam-Webster means “from time to time.” “Occasion,” means “a special event or ceremony.” This, to me, means Christmas (Kelf), New Year’s, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July, your birthday. I don’t mind a responsible drink for special reasons.
My definition of responsible is to be overly cautious-only one or two drinks if you will be out for more than two hours. Plan to stay or get a ride if indulging in more. Hand the keys over if there is a second driver, even if just consuming one. Choose less or nothing if conditions prevent a second driver (i.e. work vehicle or rental).
I do not consider regular days to be “on occasion,” whether I am present or not. I want a partner that can enjoy the moment without a drink. This includes, but is not limited to, playing video games at home, going out with the guys, tubing on the river, kayaking, dinner night out, reading in the bathtub, camping nights, workouts, sitting at the beach, work sponsored events or dinner with co-workers, and when there’s “nothing else to do.”
I don’t want alcohol around my kids until they are old enough to have conversations about it. Keeping open communication about the risk/reward of consuming alcohol will be very important with my nieces, nephews, and future children. However, I am not okay with encouraging it.
I am not okay with talking about how you wish you had a drink when it’s not present.
I am not okay with coming home smelling like alcohol.
I’ve never seen this with you, but I am not okay with sloppy drunk.
Alcohol cannot be a reason that I am excluded from an event that you are participating in. Alcohol cannot be a reason you fail to meet a commitment. If it creates a barrier between us, family, or friends, that is an unresolvable problem for me.
In general, respect my sobriety and do not take advantage of my compromise.
This applies to any unprescribed mind-altering substance. This is a boundary for me, and one I am willing to end a relationship over. I can’t fight my partner about this need. I still like my life sober.
I really hope we can find a way to celebrate my sobriety without making you feel like you’re sacrificing everything you enjoy. If reading this makes you feel too restricted, though, we need to acknowledge that.