u/DistributionOk4175

I (35F) have been married to my husband (38M) for 8 years. Throughout our marriage he repeatedly had online sexual conversations with strangers and justified it for years by saying his childhood sexual trauma affected his behavior. Every time I confronted him, I was made to feel like I was overreacting or not understanding his pain. He always said it “meant nothing” and because it was online it wasn’t real cheating.

I stayed loyal the entire marriage despite being deeply hurt. He even told me multiple times that if I wanted revenge or wanted to do the same thing to him, I could. I always said I could never stoop that low.

A few days ago, after years of emotional exhaustion, I ended up talking to a stranger on Reddit and the conversation turned sexual. It never became physical, I never met the person, but I crossed a boundary I never thought I would cross. I showed my husband the conversation instead of hiding it.

Since then he has completely broken down emotionally. He’s crying constantly, saying he finally understands the pain he caused me all these years. For the first time ever he is admitting that he manipulated situations, made excuses for his behavior, and normalized things that deeply damaged me emotionally.

The strange thing is I almost feel guilty now seeing him this shattered, even though I spent years crying and begging him to understand my pain. I blocked the Reddit guy because honestly I don’t even know if this was about attraction or just years of feeling emotionally unwanted and broken.

I genuinely don’t know what to think anymore. Part of me feels validated for the first time in years, part of me feels horrible, and part of me wonders why it took me doing the same thing for him to finally “get it.”

Has anyone been through something similar where the cheating partner only truly understood the damage once the roles reversed? Is this actual accountability and realization, or just shock because now he’s the one hurting?

I (35F) have been married to my husband (38M) for 8 years. Throughout our marriage he repeatedly had online sexual conversations with strangers and justified it for years by saying his childhood sexual trauma affected his behavior. Every time I confronted him, I was made to feel like I was overreacting or not understanding his pain. He always said it “meant nothing” and because it was online it wasn’t real cheating.

I stayed loyal the entire marriage despite being deeply hurt. He even told me multiple times that if I wanted revenge or wanted to do the same thing to him, I could. I always said I could never stoop that low.

A few days ago, after years of emotional exhaustion, I ended up talking to a stranger on Reddit and the conversation turned sexual. It never became physical, I never met the person, but I crossed a boundary I never thought I would cross. I showed my husband the conversation instead of hiding it.

Since then he has completely broken down emotionally. He’s crying constantly, saying he finally understands the pain he caused me all these years. For the first time ever he is admitting that he manipulated situations, made excuses for his behavior, and normalized things that deeply damaged me emotionally.

The strange thing is I almost feel guilty now seeing him this shattered, even though I spent years crying and begging him to understand my pain. I blocked the Reddit guy because honestly I don’t even know if this was about attraction or just years of feeling emotionally unwanted and broken.

I genuinely don’t know what to think anymore. Part of me feels validated for the first time in years, part of me feels horrible, and part of me wonders why it took me doing the same thing for him to finally “get it.”

Has anyone been through something similar where the cheating partner only truly understood the damage once the roles reversed? Is this actual accountability and realization, or just shock because now he’s the one hurting?

I don’t know if I’m staying in this marriage because I still love him or because I’m too emotionally exhausted to leave.

My husband betrayed me sexually/emotionally very early in our marriage. The part that messes with my head the most is that it started during a time when I thought we were actually happy. We had a good sex life, I trusted him completely, and I genuinely thought we were building a strong relationship together.

Over the years I kept discovering things that made me feel humiliated and emotionally destroyed. It slowly changed the way I saw myself. I started questioning my worth as a woman, wife, and even as a person.

I tried so hard to make this marriage work. I tried to build a relationship with his family, tried to be understanding, supportive, forgiving, patient… but the hurt kept building inside me.

Now I feel like I’ve turned into someone I don’t even recognize anymore. Angry, anxious, constantly triggered, emotionally numb at times. I’m a mother and I love my kids more than anything, but honestly there were periods where I was so emotionally broken that I could barely function mentally myself. Even at work I try to act normal, but some days the pain hits so hard I feel like I’m barely holding myself together internally.

The confusing part is that he IS trying now. He started individual therapy. We’re doing couples counseling. He says he wants to save the marriage and fix himself.

But I still can’t let go of the betrayal. Sometimes I look at him and all I feel is disgust, sadness, anger, and grief for the version of our marriage I thought I had.

People say “if they change, forgive and move forward,” but what if your mind and body just can’t forget what happened?

Has anyone actually rebuilt love and trust after years of betrayal? Or did you eventually realize the relationship was emotionally over long before you physically left?