u/Dizzy-Ad-4857

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I've always wanted to be single for life ever since I was 11 but not because I don't feel attraction and desire. I have a rough past. Since childhood. Lots of abuse and rejection. I'm not letting it define my life but it has left it's mark. I'm doing pretty well overall but I just realized I might have to start dating the one arena i was very happy to avoid all my life. Not because I didn't desire anyone or have urges but if I was perfectly fine single, just lonely from time to time, why let anyone take such an intimate position in my life? However it is a stance motivated mostly by fear. I'm a Christian and I have very strong urges, so repressing myself solely out of fear and putting myself in danger of sinning doesn't seem very wise. Not saying a woman is just an avenue of securing pleasure (that is disgusting) but if you get what i mean especially if you're a fellow Christian. You don't even need to be to understand. Allowing fear to be the reason for making such a big decision generally isn't the best but I was comfortable with it because well who cares? Everything else is fine, great even, but if my urges will make me sin and the only thing stopping me from righteously fulfilling those urges is fear, then it starts to paint a different picture.

So now I'm trying to build a vision for the type of family life I want, becoming more social with everyone not just women, trying to figure out the best type of woman for the best type of family life I want, working on comfortability with vulnerability etc. But all of this is so much work that I would actually rather not do. The social skills thing is a given, but I find all the rest absolutely gut wrenching. But it's not because I dislike marriage or the idea of being a family man, I just hate the thought of approaching a woman and dating. And for some reason I immediately feel like a creep just for attempting to check out women discreetly However so I don't make them uncomfortable and I don't oggle. But checking women out in general is something I have effectively conditioned myself for a while to not do and my every thought at approaching any of them is just pessimistic no matter how hard i try. I'm afraid and uncomfortable and I'd rather not do this regardless of my desire. In fact my greatest desire is that attraction to the opposite sex be ripped out of me but alas God won't grant such a prayer so here we are i guess

But I am still curious, does me being scared and deeply uncomfortable mean that I am really not meant to do this? Or am I just hoping that that's what it means and would just be better off confronting my fears?

I've always wanted to be single for life ever since I was 11 but not because I don't feel attraction and desire. I have a rough past. Since childhood. Lots of abuse and rejection. I'm not letting it define my life but it has left it's mark. I'm doing pretty well overall but I just realized I might have to start dating the one arena i was very happy to avoid all my life. Not because I didn't desire anyone or have urges but if I was perfectly fine single, just lonely from time to time, why let anyone take such an intimate position in my life? However it is a stance motivated mostly by fear. I'm a Christian and I have very strong urges, so repressing myself solely out of fear and putting myself in danger of sinning doesn't seem very wise. Not saying a woman is just an avenue of securing pleasure (that is disgusting) but if you get what i mean especially if you're a fellow Christian. You don't even need to be to understand. Allowing fear to be the reason for making such a big decision generally isn't the best but I was comfortable with it because well who cares? Everything else is fine, great even, but if my urges will make me sin and the only thing stopping me from righteously fulfilling those urges is fear, then it starts to paint a different picture.

So now I'm trying to build a vision for the type of family life I want, becoming more social with everyone not just women, trying to figure out the best type of woman for the best type of family life I want, working on comfortability with vulnerability etc. But all of this is so much work that I would actually rather not do. The social skills thing is a given, but I find all the rest absolutely gut wrenching. But it's not because I dislike marriage or the idea of being a family man, I just hate the thought of approaching a woman and dating. And for some reason I immediately feel like a creep just for attempting to check out women discreetly However so I don't make them uncomfortable and I don't oggle. But checking women out in general is something I have effectively conditioned myself for a while to not do and my every thought at approaching any of them is just pessimistic no matter how hard i try. I'm afraid and uncomfortable and I'd rather not do this regardless of my desire. In fact my greatest desire is that attraction to the opposite sex be ripped out of me but alas God won't grant such a prayer so here we are i guess

But I am still curious, does me being scared and deeply uncomfortable mean that I am really not meant to do this? Or am I just hoping that that's what it means and would just be better off confronting my fears?

I (M21) have made the decision to opt out of dating forever and stay a lifelong celibate. I made this decision because while I do feel the desire to be desired would've loved to have kids and do want to have sex, I am not willing to do the inner work that would make the realization of these desires in a healthy, mutually fulfilling way possible. I haven't had the easiest life relationally (abusive family background, bullied, rejection, feeling very unwanted etc). Your past doesn't define your future but it definitely affects it. It leaves it's mark. I want to feel wanted by other people. Everyone does. My relational life with myself, friends, family, co-workers has really been improving. I've been doing alot of inner work to teach myself that I'm no longer that kid, I have agency and life have changed. Things are genuinely getting better. However dating and marriage feel like the final frontier of this feeling to be desired. However something like romance and marriage are not things you do a a purely selfish impulse like that. I have no vision for a shared future. I isolated alot before now and while it was unhealthy I also accidentally learned how to genuinely just enjoy my own company and peace. My early experiences left me just wanting to feel safe which I equated with being left alone. I didn't want to think about how I might be offending someone, what wrong I did it what right I did not do, if I'm in trouble for something I didn't even know I did etc. I just wanted to be left alone. You can't have baggage like that and genuinely welcome a partner. I have realized I only want to feel desired. The moment I have to do something for a partner, I feel they are silently judging me and now I'm worried about if they are impressed or not and the only way I know is if they "reciprocate" so that I know that I did the right thing and I can finally calm down.

That'll be such an exhausting relationship for anyone I'm with. It would be exhausting inner work for me to learn to manage this too. And that's the thing, it's exhausting and I have learned that I don't have to do this work. Marriage is beautiful and fulfilling. Singlehood is exactly the same. Both can bring happiness and meaning. just in different ways. but the end destination is still the same. You can just either choose the path of companionship or freedom. It's all about how you maximize the upsides while managing the challenges of each. I have learned that I can truly be happy and fulfilled single. So why do all that work? not to mention I have no vision for co-creation. I just want to be desired and slept with. After that, then what? It would be incredibly selfish to act on that impulse. This peace seems to be my baseline and all my body truly needs. Just peace and a whole lot of fucking quite. Peace and quiet not in the sense that I don't like listening to people talk, but more in the sense that I'd rather not be overthinking my interaction with anyone in my own damn supposedly safe abode. It'll take alot of inner work to get to that point where I am capable of trusting that my partner isn't judging me. gruelling work too. but why do that when I can get as much joy single with alot less hassle and alot more control?? I understand that there might be other reasons to eventually do this inner work. But romance is not it for me. To do this much work for something that is so utterly out of my control just seems very illogical.

so I think my mind has found it baseline but as with anything, I could be wrong.

so do you guys think I am actually being logical about this or am I just being avoidant?