u/Doctor-Doomed

So I'm 23M and before you say that's a pretty young age, I know, I understand that. But the things I wanted, I craved them for so long that now I just don't want them anymore.

Since I was 14, I just wanted to live a normal life. I was younger than my classmates, 14 in 10th grade, and back then I actually felt good about myself. Jio had just launched so we had free internet, and I consumed everything: series, movies, YouTube. I felt like I understood the world and had a plan. I'd work at McDonald's at 17, learn swimming, buy an iPhone with my own money, learn video editing, make content. I had so many expectations.

None of them happened. My parents never allowed me to do anything. No PC to learn editing. No room to make videos. Just sitting at home, asking, being ignored, slowly losing interest in the things I once loved. By the time I got to college, the deadness came with me. I tried to act normal, pretended to be okay, but inside I was scared of everything and avoided anything where I might fail. I had good friends and enjoyed time with them, but we were stuck in a room anyway since college was in the middle of nowhere.

I graduated last year with no ambitions, no real interests, and bad grades. Now everything I pick up, I drop. Partly because nothing genuinely excites me the way things used to, and partly because my brain immediately asks what's the point if it won't build my career. Guitar, sketching, anything, it all feels useless before I even start.

The thing that hurts most isn't comparing what others have, it's hearing people casually mention their childhood memories. Collecting coins, reading books, slipping in swimming class. Small, stupid, normal things. And I just think, why couldn't I have that?

Now even editing, which I once loved, feels empty. I stare at the screen for hours with nothing coming out. Coding makes no sense to me and I feel too far behind to ever catch up. I don't feel good at anything, and honestly I don't believe I can get better either. I'm just really tired.

So i pretty much hate drawing , whether its pen and paper , or digital … same goes with blender or any thing related to drawing somehow .. i know blender isnt for “drawing” .. but like if you are making something in it like a person or animal that you wanna animate .. then you kinda have to be creative that way and draw a little.. and i hate that..

On the other hand i really like editing , real world environment things , vfx .. and after learning premiere i wanna learn after effects too… so like other than animating some texts and playing with camera movements and all.. can i do more than that in after effects? Because somehow i feel very limited in doing things in premiere ..

Okay like try to understand .. i think that i am pretty much good in combining things.. but i cant really “create” stuff.. which is what after effects is made for maybe .. so can i learn it ?

English is not my first language so please understand..

I’ve been dealing with depression for the past 8 years. I’m currently 23 and completed my B.Tech in Computer Science in 2025.

Right now, I feel mentally slow and burnt out. I honestly don’t know much coding, haven’t done any internships, and feel like I’ve achieved nothing during these past several years because of my mental health struggles.

At the moment, I’m considering two options:

1. GATE Preparation

I’m thinking about preparing for GATE and pursuing an M.Tech because it would give me another chance at on campus placements, which are generally easier than off campus hiring. It could also help justify my gap years, since getting a job after long gaps can be difficult.

The issue is that my mind feels very slow right now, so I think I might need around 2 to 3 years of preparation to get a decent GATE score.

2. Cybersecurity

The second option is cybersecurity. I feel like it may be less saturated than general software development, so maybe getting a job could be comparatively easier.

But cybersecurity would also take around 1 to 1.5 years to learn properly, and I’m worried whether companies would hire me after a 2 to 3 year gap with no prior experience.

I’m confused about which path would be more practical and realistic for my situation.

I grew up in a very restricted environment. My parents never really allowed me to do anything outside of studies. I was never allowed to play outside, celebrate festivals or birthdays, go to theatres, join extracurricular activities, try new foods, read novels, or even have sleepovers with cousins. Whenever I wanted to do something, the response was always, “isse kya hoga?”

Because of that, life started feeling emotionally dead. Around the age of 14, I realized I wanted to actually live, explore things, and experience life. I spent years trying to explain this to my parents, but it only pushed me deeper into depression, which I still struggle with now at 23.

Recently, they finally said, “do whatever you want,” but now I genuinely don’t know how to live for myself anymore.

One part of me wants to stop forcing studies for now and finally try the things I always wanted to do: gym, swimming, guitar, reading, exploring hobbies, and just experiencing life. But whenever I try something new, there’s a constant voice in my head saying, “isse kya hoga?” or “do only what is useful.” Even activities that are supposed to help my mental health feel pointless because of that mindset. It’s like I’ve internalized years of conditioning and now I can’t escape it.

At the same time, I’m scared of wasting more time. If I spend the next few years figuring myself out and trying new things, won’t I be too late to return to studies or get a job? I already feel pressure because I’m 23 and everyone around me seems focused on careers, earning money, and moving forward in life.

The second option is to ignore all of this and just prepare for some job or exam, even though I have no real interest in it. But my mental state has become so bad that sometimes I can’t even properly process what I’m reading, let alone study seriously.

I also struggle with the idea of doing a “random job.” In my mind, people become things they genuinely connect with. Someone who loves writing becomes a writer. So it feels difficult to understand how people study for careers they don’t even emotionally relate to.

I’m not trying to make excuses. I genuinely feel confused about how I’m supposed to build a life after spending so many years disconnected from living itself.

Used Chatgpt to rephrase cuz I suck at explaining things...

So I am in depression from the last 8 years because of toxic parents.. skip the story..

The problem is that my mind has stopped working I guess.. I am not interested in doing anything... I can't think , I can't make decisions.

So I've graduated last year with a degree in B.Tech CS.. I am not at all interested in coding and I've tried to do it countless times but I just can't do it..

I used to make videos before my depression and was good in it and wanted to become a youtuber.. but after my depression as my mind has stopped working I am not able to that also.. I am constantly making videos and designing thumbnails but consider my skill level to be 1/10 .. because I'm no longer interested so I am not able to upskill..

I had lots of dreams when I was a child.. but now they are all mixed up because I didn't sticked with any of them as my parents didn't let me.. i don't know what to do anymore to be honest.. I am trying daily to improve myself but I don't have any aim so I always feel like what the hell am I doing .. like I am still trying to do coding but I don't want to do a job in that field . I am still trying to make videos but I am not at all able to make them better.. I don't know what else to do..

Please tell me

I'm severly depressed from the last 8 years and because of that my mind has stopped working and i've lost interest in everything.. The usual reclusive stuff right? well keep it aside just tell me how can i fix this.. because what i think is..

A person can only do a thing or learn a thing if he is "interested" in doing it or he "wants" to do it.. if not then he can only push it to certain point but not enough to make it worth the effort.

Like suppose.. i "want" to pass the JEE mains exam.. so i will try my best even if i fail..
I am "interested" in learning guitar.. so i will try to learn it..
RIGHT??

But as i am not interested in things.. i am doing it with the sense of getting some outcome out of it... which is not good.

Suppose i am reading a book.. not because i like the book.. but because "if i read , then my reading skills will get better , my english will improve bla bla" and it defeats the purpose of just enjoying things.

My point is.. whenever i do anything.. as i am not interested in it.. so i do it with the intention of "Work" .. and i cant do it for long because of that... and because of that i cant put in as much efforts in a thing so that i can become good at it.

Anyways.. this thought just came to my mind because i am learning coding rn.. and i am not at all interested in it.. i'm trying to do it from the past 5 years but i am still at the beginner level because i just cant do it.. if you cant relate its like suppose you suddenly start learning "weilding" , "AC installation".. basically random things.. which you are just not interested to do at all.. HOW WILL YOU FEEL then?