Once again I am fantasizing about killing people to cope with the fact that I can't have sex.
The anger and pain I feel over the fact that I have been denied sex for my entire life and the fact that I didn't get to experience sex once at all in my youth is intolerable. I regularly have episodes where I feel sharp pains in my chest and my arms feel light and numb. The only thing that helps me is fantasizing about killing people. I have extended, elaborate fantasies about killing people. Sometimes they are cartoonish, like I imagine myself as Homelander and I level a city, then threaten to level another if the world doesn't give me hot women to have sex with. Other times they are more grounded, like I imagine punishing society by doing a mass shooting before killing myself on the day I finally decide I have nothing left to lose. In my fantasies, nobody is spared. I target the most vulnerable to incur the maximum degree of suffering on society. These fantasies help me get through particularly painful episodes because I escape into a fictional reality where I feel I have been delivered some measure of justice. There are two aspects to my pain. The first is the injuries I have already suffered. The experience of my life thus far at 31 years of age. My youth has come and gone, and I didn't get to experience sex once. I think about the countless number of cute girls I've known and met and come across throughout my life who I felt attracted to, none of whom felt attraction to me. It feels so gravely unjust to me that everyone else gets to experience mutual sexual interest, but I don't. For some reason I have been designated to be denied that experience. When I think about this, rage and anger wash over me. The second aspect is the fact that there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me. As I get older, I get even uglier. My hair gets thinner, my face sags further off my underdeveloped facial bones. There is zero evidence to indicate that there is any chance I'll meet a cute girl who wants to have sex with me. ZERO. There is no path to happiness for me. Let me say that again THERE IS NO PATH TO HAPPINESS FOR ME. I want society to answer what it expects me to do when THERE IS NO FUCKING PATH TO HAPPINESS FOR ME. How am I not supposed to think about destroying other people's lives before ending my own when there is zero chance I will ever be glad to be alive. Explain that to me. Society expects me to just sit here and accept the dogshit hand I was dealt... for what reason exactly? FUCKING GIVE ME SOME FUCKING ANSWERS. THERE IS NO PATH TOHAPPINESS FOR ME. SOCIETY NEEDS TO GIVE ME SOME FUCKING CUNTING FUCKING ANSWERS