At what point is it okay to stop giving someone updates when every update turns into criticism or hurt feelings?
Before anyone says it, my fiancé and I are planning our wedding together and making all of the decisions ourselves. My question isn't about whether we should do what we want. We are. My question is about family involvement and when it's okay to stop sharing details.
My mom passed away a few years ago, and since getting engaged I've had several people tell me that I should include my aunt and grandma in wedding planning conversations because they're the closest maternal figures in my life. My dad, aunt, and grandma have also all offered to help financially where they can, so I've naturally tried to keep them updated throughout the process.
My aunt has been wonderful. She's supportive, excited, and always reminds me that it's our wedding and we should do what makes us happy.
My grandma, however, has made things a lot more complicated.
Over the last few months, it feels like almost every wedding-related conversation has turned into criticism, hurt feelings, or a debate about our choices. My fiancé and I talked about getting legally married before our ceremony and reception, and my grandma hated the idea. She wants us to get married in a Catholic church, which isn't something either of us wants. She keeps suggesting a destination wedding even though we've repeatedly said that one of our biggest priorities is making sure our families can actually attend.
Even when we're just casually discussing ideas, it feels like they're immediately judged. At one point we were throwing around possible wedding dates, and I mentioned a late winter/early spring wedding. When I brought up March as a possibility, she immediately told me the roads would be too bad and nobody would come.
I responded with something along the lines of, "Oh well, if they don't come."
I didn't mean it in a rude way. I just meant that at the end of the day we're getting married regardless, and while we'd love everyone to be there, I'm not going to completely rule out a date we like because some guests might not attend. If weather prevented someone from coming, I would understand.
She did not take that well at all and seemed genuinely upset by my response.
There have been other situations too. My fiancé and I recently toured a venue and invited my aunt to walk through it with us. My grandma was upset that she wasn't invited. While I understand feeling left out, moments like that have started to make me feel like every wedding-related decision comes with expectations attached.
At this point, every time I see her, she wants updates. Have we picked a venue? Have we set a date? What are we doing for the ceremony? What have we decided? What are our plans? And I've started dreading those conversations because it feels like every update either turns into criticism of our choices or hurt feelings when things don't go the way she envisioned.
The thing is, I love my grandma. I know she's excited, and I know she wants to be involved. I don't think she's intentionally trying to make wedding planning stressful. But lately I feel like I'm spending more time managing reactions and expectations than actually enjoying being engaged.
I'm starting to wonder if I've accidentally given her the impression that she's part of the decision-making process when really I've just been trying to keep her included.
At what point is it okay to stop giving someone updates when every update turns into criticism or hurt feelings? Would I be wrong to put her on more of a need-to-know basis and only share things once decisions have already been made?