u/Double_Lecture_2683

I believe loving someone is a form of vulnerability, and you have to be willing to become vulnerable enough to show your love or receive love from someone amidst all the doubts. You never truly know whether someone will hold your heart gently or turn it into something to satisfy their own emptiness.

At the end of the day, we are only human. If you are not truly someone’s desire, then no matter how much you love, the diamond may still reflect a light that was never real to begin with.

Isn’t it terrifying to love someone, knowing you have to become vulnerable even when every part of you wants to stay guarded, until the very thing you offered as love becomes either a light shared between souls or ashes left behind by the weight of control?

Now I’m back to square one again. I never regret meeting you, because even the thought of you still makes my heart flutter. But at the same time, part of me wishes we had never met at all. How could I ever forget you after all this time?

I’m not even good at remembering faces, yet I can never forget your eyes. It felt like I could see straight through your soul whenever I looked at you. Even now, I can’t look at people with similar eyes because somehow they all remind me of you. Everything reminds me of you.

Now I’m left with this heavy heart and all these worries, knowing no one could ever fill my heart the way you did. I still miss you a lot, but what’s the point if I’m the only one falling this deeply, only to end up looking like a pathetic fool at the end of the day?

And how am I even supposed to forget my first love when that person is you? Who could ever be better than you, love?

You know, I really did love you, and I still do. Sometimes I wish I crossed your mind beautifully too, but maybe that’s just wishful thinking. You and I were never going to end up together. Maybe forgetting you is the only thing left for me to do now.

So please… let us never meet again.

Her insults and loud sounds go on from morning to night, even if I don't say a word and lock myself up in the room. Just being around her gives me serious anxiety as if something terrible is about to happen. She used to discipline me a lot as a child. Not that I'm afraid of her now, but just her making banging and walking sounds and footsteps makes me super anxious all day. I feel only relief as long as I'm outside and don't see her at all. Now my finals are over, and my work doesn't start until next month. And it is also impossible to move out as of now.

I saw you yesterday, and from the moment you passed by me until the moment you sat down, I kept thinking about how glad I am that it all started with you, and maybe now, in its own way, it ends with you too.

From the second you passed by, I noticed you immediately, like I always somehow do. I’m not even sure if you recognized me, but seeing you one last time, especially when I wasn’t expecting it, genuinely made me happy.

Your haircut looked really good, and seeing your smiling face, so bright and happy, honestly stayed with me. You looked so gracious, maybe the most gracious I’ve ever seen you. There was something about your happiness that made me quietly happy too.

I wanted to greet you or say something, anything at all, but I was too afraid. Afraid that I might come off as weird, or that maybe you’d be upset with me. That fear has always been deeply rooted in me, so instead, I stayed quiet.

But despite how I may seem on the outside, I’ve always admired you since the very beginning.

It was never just about how you looked. I admired your knowledge, your presence, your kindness, and everything that makes you who you are. You’ve always felt like someone truly good, and I’ve always carried a deep respect for that.

I never really had the chance to properly thank you for the admiration I’ve carried for so long.

Whatever the case may be now, I truly want you to know that I have always respected and admired you deeply.

I may not be a very good person, and I wish I could have been better to you, but I genuinely hope life gives you nothing but fantastic moments ahead. I hope you keep smiling, keep shining, and keep winning all the wonderful things you deserve.

Even if I could never properly say it out loud, I was always your admirer.

Hey,

I feel like I’m finally losing the version of myself that loved you, the one that held on even when distance had already written our ending.

Isn’t this what I wanted?
To stop searching for you.
To let go.

So why does it feel more like mourning than peace?

Maybe because I was never just holding onto you.
I was holding onto the person I became when I loved you.

Before you, I didn’t know I could be that soft, that warm, that alive. You lit something in me that had been dark for so long, and for a while, I burned brighter because of it.

Last year felt beautiful.

Because of you, I laughed easier.
Felt lighter.
Loved softer.

Sometimes, I wonder if I truly loved you, or if I simply became addicted to the warmth you awakened in me, like a child clinging to the only place they’ve ever known tenderness.

Maybe it was never just you.
Maybe it was the feeling of finally being warm.

And that is what makes this so hard.

Because now that you are gone, it is not only your absence I feel, but the fading of that softness, that fragile light you brought out in me.

This year feels like the slow death of that flame, like a candle melting in silence until all that remains are ashes and the memory of having once burned.

I no longer search for you.

But in this silence, I am left with an emptiness I did not expect.

Not because I cannot find you

but because I can no longer find the version of myself that existed when loving you made everything feel alive.

I miss that person.

The hopeful one.
The childish one.
The one who smiled so easily at the thought of you.

Perhaps you were never meant to stay.
Perhaps you were only meant to remind me that warmth existed within me at all.

And maybe that is why losing you feels less like heartbreak and more like returning to a colder self I thought I had left behind.

So now, I remain here, like the final flicker of a candle, waiting quietly…

Until something touches this weary heart again