Ill try to keep the whole debacle as simple as I can. And I guess im here to get advice, but also just hear other people's experiences.
Basically I dated this girl in college for 3 years, however the entire relationship was this toxic and unstable situation where we were off and on so much we didnt even have a set anniversary. She treated me like a bug and I really lost myself, stopped doing shit that i loved and hanging out with my buddies because she didnt approve of them. We were in school together, and I had this really important project I was working on for a thesis, she didnt get into the program, and essentially blamed that on me, telling me that she was always in my shadow and people didnt like her or notice her becauseof who i was. I couldn't talk about it around her. And in the last few months of our relationship i would intentionally challenge her because I was so tired of being a punching bag. Needless to say it crashed and burned. And a month after she was gone i was still destroyed emotionally, but then I started standing on my feet again. There was a night where I basically said, I gotta work on this project instead of go deal with that, and from that point forward I was already half way out the door. We broke up a few months after graduation, very messy breakup that left us both feeling pretty damn bad. This was august
Then came the new gir, in October. Ive known this woman since highschool, and one night we randomly said fuck it lets hang out, and immediately hit it off. Talking to her felt like talking to a close friend, almost like no time had passed between us even though it had been 6+ years of just being out of the loop with eachother. We had so much in common and fell for eachother very fast. I waited a month to officially start dating and introducing her as my girlfriend because I didnt want her to be a transition girl. I knew part of me wanted company after my last relationship but another part was really attracted by who she was. We spent the holiday season together, and ealry january I finally told her that I loved her in the parking lot of a comedy show she bought us tickets to. I feel like I meant every word and I had waited to be sure of it.
Then shit started sliding off a cliff, because of me. Early February, we both took separate trips to different states to go see some friends. While she was on her trip, and I was away from her, I started thinking about how school affected my last relationship (new girl is getting her masters in clinical psych) stupidly texted her like "hey are you worried about school affecting us". Which she took as me trying to break up with her. I apologized, but she was really out off by the fact that I didnt bring this up in person with her, and sent a text while we are both on vacation.
Additionally, there was a night where I was at her house and basically had a flashback to the past 3 years. I was laying with her on the couch watching a movie, cat was hanging out on my chest and we had smoked a little weed. I felt like I was in the exact same apartment, in the same situation, just with a different face, and idk man I got terrified that I might be hurt again, it triggered something in me. I started to tear up and she asked me what was wrong and i told her I didnt really know.
Theres anither handful of times where I got defensive over her making jokes and doing harmless things like that, that I took as someone trying to walk over me or minimize me, which is stupid looking back now.
We ended up going on a break in early March, she wanted to take a step back because she felt like i had some resentmenttowards her, and i didnt have any, but becuase i didnt want to feel weird like i had been, i figured taking a step back isnt a terrible idea. We still hungout with eachother every weekend or every other day, kind of had a friends with benefits thing going on but we would still go on dates and do romantic things. The spark was still there between us, in my eyes at least. And around this time I really started to realize how great she was and how lucky I was, but it was too late.
Late March, we go out to dinner one night after she gave me an IQ test for class. Hadn't ate all day and had maybe 5 hours of sleep, I was irritated and wanted to finish the test so we could go eat, and I had to drive home that night because I needed clothes for work, so couldnt stay over. Once we got to the restaurant, we have this joke where she hold the door open and we fuck with eachother and say after you, if she gets it first I do a fake little curtsey to be funny like shes the man getting the door for me. But this night, my idiotic fucking self basically says just go the fuck inside, which I immediately realized was a mistake. The whole night was silent after that.
Then days later she says she thinks she needs a break. I hear nothing from her, then a week later im like hey, are we ok? Been a bit.
She basically says that she dosent want this anymore, I wasnt nice to her, she gave me a chance (the original break) but I did not change. She told me she wanted to be good friends and that she was ok with how things went down, "we're just different and obviously im not the right girl for you and that was clear by our time together". She wanted to give some time to let emotions die down before we were cool.
A week later I make a fool of myself and tried to apologize to her over text while she is at work. I poured my heart out to her, but She tells me im not respecting her time, and that shows that I care about me and not her. And to a point she was right, I was lashing out and wanted closure, but I should have kept my mouth shut.
Then around Easter she finally blocks me out of the blue. Didnt try to reach out to her or anyhting after my last fuckup. And I was just confused and really really hurt. Definitely hurled myself into the same hole I was in before, got depressed, and im still getting over things.
Its been 2 months now of no contact, texted her once to get my clothes back, which she gave them to a mutual friend. I started taking therapy and really trying to cut myself open to figure out these problems within me, and why i acted the way I did. Ive been doing all the self help shit, hanging out with friends constantly, planning big trips, working out like an animal, etc. Im feeling better, but simultaneously feel like I might of fumbled the one.
To my knowledge she was seeing someone else like 3 weeks after we were absolutely done with eachother, but since ive been blocked I have no idea. Not trying to go looking because ik I will probably feel worse.
If you gotten this far through my ranting then thanks. I just wanted to see if anyone has had a similar experience, or advice. I want to repair things but I feel like thats impossible at this point, and im trying my hardest not to reach out again, but I know shes the type to not reach out either.
How do you let someone know that your not a piece of shit, just had pointless fears and trauma that you needed to get over, when you are in no contact yk?
Obviously im realizing that its time for me to grow up, and im taking the steps to do so. Just wish I didn't have to find thatvout with someone as important as her.
Like should I eventually reach out? Should I just let it go? Therapist says to forget about her but shes definitely clicked with me like no body else, and Ive had 18+ relationships.
Thanks for listening reddit, hope this clusterfuck makes sense to someone.