u/Downtown-Cabinet3846

My dad died when I had just turned 18 and my daughter was 10 months old. During the following years I never grieved properly and felt like I was in “survival mode.” The past 3 years I’ve been grieving hard core. I have reoccurring dreams of being in bed with him while he is sick, sometimes nonverbal. I realize the complexity of the situation now, with a dysfunctional, mentally ill family, having a baby so young, and me dealing with my own mental illness quietly. Sometimes I wonder if my dad was su*icdal himself, and since I was a kid I thought why didn’t he care enough about me to take better care of himself? He’s the only person I felt “got me.” What was going on with him? What does he want me to know

My dad died when I had just turned 18 and my daughter was 10 months old. During the following years I never grieved properly and felt like I was in “survival mode.” The past 3 years I’ve been grieving hard core. I have reoccurring dreams of being in bed with him while he is sick, sometimes nonverbal. I realize the complexity of the situation now, with a dysfunctional, mentally ill family, having a baby so young, and me dealing with my own mental illness quietly. Sometimes I wonder if my dad was su*icdal himself, and since I was a kid I thought why didn’t he care enough about me to take better care of himself? He’s the only person I felt “got me.” What was going on with him? What does he want me to know?