Coping with breakup with bipolar SO
Hello, I wanted to share my story and ask for some perspective.
My wife (38F) and me (37F) just had a very, very traumatic breakup a couple of weeks ago. For some context, we first got together during college. In 2015, I left the country to pursue my PhD, and we had a long distance relationship for 6 years, however, during this time I returned home three months every year, and spoke a couple of hours nearly everyday when I was away. After I returned, I moved in whit her and her parents, and six months later I managed to get a job, so we got our own place and moved in together. Over the years, she had fallen out with her brothers and sister, and she did not feel comfortable in her parents house.
Before moving together, she had a very good relationship with my family, but she became very resentful of them shortly after moving together. My mother would visit, and sometimes make comments about the state of the house (I worked full time I supported us both financially while she was doing her masters, so she was home more often and had a larger share of the housework). My mother had a severe degenerative type of arthritis, and she lived in a rural town far from the hospitals where she had to get attention, so often she would spend the night with us before going for her checkups.
She also had issues with my brothers and sisters, for comments that were in my opinion done in jest. She also sometimes had very acid comments towards them, but I took it as part of the family banter. My family never resented her jokes, but she took any joke towards her very very badly.
This all came to a head about two years ago. She had finished her masters a couple of months ago and was looking for work, however, I had received a very, very good position with a significant increase in salary, so I could cover all of our expenses comfortably, and we were looking to purchase a house. I also believed with my new job, and her studies completed, we could have children.
So I told her that I believed that it was time for us to start trying for a child. She got very quiet, and suddenly looked enraged. And told me "So what, you want me to have a child and make me your mother servant?" I was taken aback when I asked her what she meant, and she screamed at me that I knew and attacked me physically (she tried to hit me). I was so confused and angry, so I told her that i would not have a wife that raised a hand to me. Then she answered "then we divorce today! I am leaving!!!"
She left the house, and three days later she called me, asking if she could come over. I said yes, and she came and asked me to try again. I accepted. Over the next days, she told me things my family had said to her, and asked me to never allow them in our home again.
Some of the comments she told me they said where very ugly, so I accepted. She was extremely happy. Nevertheless, I did not break contact with my family, making up excuses for why they couldn't come. I asked about my wife told me, and they denied saying such things. I did not know to believe, my family are good people and they always liked my wife before we moved in together. I went to family reunions alone, and my wife was always angry when I did. She never directly asked me not to go, but she would get very irritable and blow over the most minor things when I did.
She also stopped contact with her few friendships, and stopped visiting her parents. A few months later, we bought a house and moved in. It was a big old house with a space for a nice garden, which she always wanted. Whit the exception of when i went to visit my family, she was generally happy, but she was depressed because she had very bad luck finding a job. I did not mind, with my salary I could cover for both with enough to spare, and I reasoned that a bad, underpaid job would make her more depressed than no job.
However, she did very little with all her free time. She rarely did chores, so I hired someone to take care of the cleaning. Nevertheless, my wife got angry about how the cleaning lady did things so after a couple of weeks she asked to never call her again. She would expend most of her time looking at tiktok or playing pc games, and only occasionally look for work when I asked her.
So I often had to come home from work, clean the house, and eat leftovers of whatever delivery food she asked. Other days, she was hyperperactive, and I would arrive and find everything spotless, and a delicious meal, but as time went on this was rarer and rarer.
Finally, six months ago she told me she wanted to try for children, that she was getting older and was scared of waiting more (she was 38). I really really wanted children, so I was very happy when she told me.
She was very happy and excited, and we had a wondrous time during our first attempts. However, after the third month of trying, she did a pregnancy test and became inconsolable. She locked herself in the bathroom and cried for hours. She screamed that she was infertile and useless. I told her that there was nothing wrong with her, that pregnancy can take several attempts, that we have good medical coverage and we can see if there is anything wrong if it takes to long.
She finally came out of the bathroom smiling, and asked me if I was willing to keep trying to have children with her. I told her yes, and she kissed me like nothing had happened. Then she told me she wanted to go see my family.
I was surprised and happy at this. The next weekend we went to my parents house, and spent the night there with all my family. They all treated my wife like there was never any separation (I had asked them to attempt to forgive her, and they agreed to do it for me). My mother's condition had worsened significantly, and the strong medication used to keep her arthritis at bay had caused severe hypertension and degraded kidneys. She was always very sad when I visited alone without my wife, and she was incredibly happy that weekend.
We returned home, and my wife told me that what had happened before was not important, and that we should expend more time with our families. She also told me to invite my parents to get to know our new house (I never showed them our house). This made me angry, for two years she spoke about my family like they were demons, asked me to never invite them home, and now suddenly everything is okay? I did not tell he that I was angry, I contained myself. Finally I once again had a chance of closing that wound and I was not going to throw it away, even if my wife's behavior was becoming too erratic.
A couple of days later, I received a call. My mother had a stroke and they were taking her to the ER. I told my wife and we both went to the hospital to meet with my dad that was already there. It had taken nearly three hours to take her from my parents house to the hospital, so she was very delicate.
The doctors told us that due her age (75) and disease, she had very little chance of recovery, and that we should say our goodbyes. She was severely medicated but somewhat aware. They only allowed us one at a time. I asked my wife if she wanted to talk to her and she said yes. When I went mom just tried to smile at me and said something like "dont suffer", but she slurred a lot so i am not sure.
When my wife came from seeing my mom, she was pale and sweating. I asked her what my mom said to her and she said that my mom said "Im sorry". My wife became very quiet, and just sat down with me while we waited for the doctors. They told us that they would try to put her a pacer, to see if it can help stabilize her, and asked us to leave for the night since they did no allow companions in the intensive care unit at night.
We returned home, and my wife was very quiet the entire trip. I was destroyed, I had cried a lot and I felt very fatigued, so I told my wife that I was going to try to sleep. She told me that she was not tired. I went to sleep and in the middle of the night my wife wakes me up. She tells me "I cannot believe you did all of this to manipulate me". I told her " I dont know what are you talking about, did what". She got quiet again and laid next to me, asking me to hug her. I did and went back to sleep.
The next day, I was getting ready to go to the hospital, when I received a call. My mother had another stroke and was in critical condition. I told my wife and we went together. When we arrived the rest of my family was there. My mother had died half an hour ago. The rest of the day was a blur, I helped my dad arrange the handover of her body to the funeral home for cremation. My wife was always next to me silent, she looked very uncomfortable, but I admit i was not paying much attention to her.
After the funeral home left with my mother's body, we returned home. My wife then told me that she was going to stay with her parents. I asked her why and she told me that my family gives her panic, that she did not deserve to be there with us in our mourning. I told her that she was part of the family, that nobody cares about what happened, and that I needed her. She told me that she needed to be with her mom, and that my family made her sick with fear. I asked her fear of what, and she told me that she did not know, that it was a fear deep inside that she could not explain. I felt betrayed, I wanted here with me, but I told her that she could go stay with her parents if that's what she wanted.
I went to my office and cried for a long time, until my wife entered, extremely red faced and angry and told me that I needed to swear to her that my family will never get between us. I exploded and yelled at her, I told her that my mother had just died and she wants me to swear something suddenly, I told her to have some respect for me and our loss. And she said to me that I was a very bad actor, that my entire family are very bad actors. I was angry and confused and asked her what was she talking about. She said that the entire theater with my dying mother was too much just to manipulate and control her, and that she was not going to lose her autonomy. We had a lot of fights, but she had never been delusional like this. I told her that my mom was dead and here she was fighting with me. She told me that my mom was not dead and that I should tell her that her plain failed. She also told me that the drug I was giving her was not working. Now I was getting scared, I asked her what drug was she talking about, why was she speaking like a crazy person. She told me "yes, the drug you give me to control me.". At that point I snapped, I told her that she was crazy, that I was not going to live like this and that I was going to call her parents.
She got all sweet and told me that I was right and that we should speak. I told her no, I am calling your parents so they stay here with you while I go to stay with my dad. Then she said that if I called her parents she was going to deny everything. I went to my office to call them and told her what had happened. After I finished the call, she was gone. She had taken a couple of things and left the house. She did not answer the phone. Her parents and me looked everywhere for her, until she answered a call from her mom. She said she was with a friend and would go to her parents house the next day.
The next day I received a call from my university. My wife was there screaming that they needed to give a job and had to call security and take her to the psychologist office. I called her parents and they went to pick her up, but when they arrived she said they wanted to kill her and tried to run away. In the end to policemen and two security guards had to hold her until an ambulance came from her. I did not go, after everything that happened I did not want to see her.
She was sedated and spent a week in the hospital. I was in contact with her parents and told them that I would cover all expenses and her treatment, but that I was not going to live with her again and that eventually I would divorce her. She was diagnosed bipolar disorder, and she is taking valproic acid and other things her parents told me. She is with her parents and called me the other day.
The first thing she did was ask me how I was, and then asked how my mom was doing. This finally broke me. I cannot stay with her. I lost my mom and my wife. I turned my back to my family for her, I gave her everything, I folded to her every whim. I do not know if this is typical of a bipolar person or what, but how can you live with someone that suddenly leaves reality when you need them most? Is there any hope for a relationship after this. I love her, the woman I meet 15 years ago, but the woman she has gradually become causes me to much pain, and my sacrifices feel in vain. Staying with her also means giving up my dream of having children, or is possible?
PS: Sorry, I am not a native english speaker and this was a raw stream of words, I wanted to write this down.