u/Dragonite_23

I’m a couple months into my separation, likely headed for divorce and I’m definitely hitting the anger stage of things.

I’ve done my (40M) best not to get defensive with my stbxw (39F), so I’m gonna rant here instead because she’s shared I’ve made her feel emotionally unsafe in our 16 year marriage. Which I can understand within our communication. I’ve done that when I’ve felt my actions are attacked and we were (seemingly) not talking about feelings. I understand why that makes her feel that way even if I don’t agree with her not being able to clearly share her feelings.

I’m gonna break some things down in a point/counterpoint set up here:

1. She said she would’ve liked if I had tracked her menstrual cycle and made her a steak at the beginning of her period like she’s seen online to have nutrients replenished and to be thought of/considered.

Counterpoint: every single time she was sick, had period pain, back pain, was tired, or had a headache headache (which was weekly if not daily) I would acknowledge how much her pain sucked and either fully take care of her, help her rest, get caffeine, get a heating pad, lay/cuddle her, stroke her hair, get her food, and make sure the kids/house was still functioning. Not occasionally. Every single time. So being told I should’ve been more proactive in my caring for her is invalidating and a slap in the face.

2. She wants to be led more instead of organizing/coordinating things.

Counterpoints: -I fully organized 3 of the last 4 vacations by coordinating schedules, tours, lodging, food, souvenirs, and paying for them all so she could relax. -I covered most things financially in our marriage, to include paying off hidden debt that she’s had multiple times in the past, but also creating a plan for me to pay off her current debt so that she’s not “in it alone”. -I stepped up to take more appointments, prescriptions, school emails, assignments, grades, etc because she was doing the majority of those and she said she needed me to do more. That includes all of the grocery shopping myself and most of the dinners. I took almost all of it and she said she actually liked doing those and needed me to do the stereotypical “man stuff” instead. -She recently shared she wanted me to bring up and focus/lead what our family/relationship/communication needed to be better or to grow, I will admit with working on my own avoidant attachment style, I never considered needing to look into this as I was simply trying to tread water with the other things in our relationship/family and wanting to keep the peace as much as possible.

3. Even with the below list and more that I do that is considered guy stuff, she brings up that I should be tracking the additional air purifier filters that she added to the rooms. Also she randomly brought up flushing our water heater system. Which, sure, is a thing, but we’ve never done that in the 6 houses that we’ve ever lived in and I’ve never heard her say that until recently. It feels like I’ve done everything else on my list and her honey-do list and she’s reaching for things now to feel justified.

Counterpoints: -List of stereotypical “man stuff” I was doing: moving over entire house with some friends and a U-Haul, setting up the furniture/rooms, installing ceiling fans, clearing out the garage/setting up our storage rooms so that we could park in the garage, fixing broken door handles, fixing/sanding jammed doors, installing invisible fence for the dog, training the dog how to stay within the perimeter, fixing multiple parts on our cars, taking the cars for inspections/emissions testing, plugging a hole in her tire, filling her motorcycle tires with air before she goes out to ride, cleaning out the outside trash bins, winterizing our sprinkler system, installing a vanity light that she wanted in our front room, replacing the built in A/C system air filters, installing all the curtains/tvs/shelves/mirrors/bookcases/and everything else attached to the walls.

4. She does carry a certain emotional/mental load, but:

Counterpoints: -I am the one remembering and tracking what the latest rules and parenting decisions around the house are and I have to be the one to remember, enforce them, and then pivot if she doesn’t remember or agree with what we said before.

-I was also the one checking in on her emotionally every day. Making sure she wasn’t in pain, upset, or that she had the space she needed while I kept the family/house running. It sounds like not in the way she needed though.

-I’ve always stepped in or offered to take over when needed if she is upset and being unfair with the kids. Which led to some fights between us, but I wanted to make sure all of her anger wasn’t directed at the kids. Similar to how she helps them with me, but a lot more often, I was helping her/them (or trying to) through those times if she was triggered or disregulated and needed to separate.

I understand even with these actions that she still feels what she feels and that some things she does are not listed here. Also that her anger and resentment are also likely making everything appear neutral-negative now even when an action or gesture might’ve been positive in the past when it happened.

And I don’t prescribe to red pill mentality. What I don’t like specifically with social media and things like the steak on her period are unrealistic expectations of someone needing to always understand your needs without you stating them.

That’s not how a healthy partnership is supposed to work. You are supposed to be able to tell when something is off with your spouse using nonverbals and check in with how to help them. Doing certain realistic and supportive actions or gestures if you already know what they need. But largely they should be able to communicate what their needs are.

So maybe her expectations were too unrealistic and/or we’re incompatible and I simply am not able to meet those needs/her trauma is stopping her from being able to communicate them. Either way:

I do want a relationship where I’m expected to proactively contribute in a reasonable way.

And

I don’t want a relationship where every missed initiative becomes symbolic proof I don’t care.

You needing your feelings validated and your partner being invalidated by your words if you’re not in a place to share feelings? What’s the balance?

(Question at the bottom about those that have new relationships after divorce)

During separation, likely headed to divorce, I thought I’d have one last good Mother’s Day with me in the house that I could more easily direct the kids to do things for her and hang out as a family. She was still upset from the night before when I brainstormed how she could pay some of her debts without paying them for her.

Today I got the kids up, we brought her breakfast in bed including chocolate covered strawberries, set up playing video games as a family because my stbxw actually likes to, set up going to a rage room for us all to smash stuff, and ended the day with dinner out. (I’m not setting up anymore days or holidays like this and next year’s will be minimal with me having the kids give her something.)

With one of the kids having a hard time and wanting to change before dinner, my stbxw got upset/triggered that the day couldn’t have been completely about what she wanted. (Which she has done a few times on Mother’s Days in the past) She later apologized to our daughter, which I had already spoken to the kids by this point.

Somewhere in there one-on-one, she told me that it was my fault because I didn’t show the kids how to show up and appreciate her and do everything for her. Which I understand is said in anger, but, c’mon, I know it’s not accurate and she knows it too. She even thanked me for today toward the end of the night.

Where is the accountability of emotions on her end? If I always made things so emotionally unsafe and invalidating, where is the accountability in her not leading with emotions so we can talk about those versus attacking my actions as her fact. I understand in a healthy relationship that there needs to be some give and take on both sides, but that only seems to be take from her.

For the guys that have had successful relationships with new women (or multiple women over the process of finding someone), how has the communication been regarding “validation” and either talking directly about feelings or still trying to decipher them while not getting defensive?

A month and a half ago my wife said she needed to separate. We’ve been together 16 years and have 3 kids. She says she’s needs emotional safety and to find what she wants in life. I admit I haven’t validated her without getting defensive, which her accusing and attacked my actions brought out in me.

I’ve tried to take on more house responsibilities and validate as best as I can, knowing that it’s not going to definitely fix things or build trust in her immediately. I’m trying to become outcome independent and prepare myself for divorce, but it’s extremely difficult.

As a lot of you have experienced, after years of at least trying to keep the peace and give all of myself to her (in the way I thought I needed to) and this family, it’s impossible for me to get my mind off of the end of our marriage and what splitting the family into multiple houses will do. I’ve had some good days and weeks, but my limbic system is still all jacked up and I’m losing sleep and my appetite is not fully back yet.

I’ve set up a weekly therapy session for myself (wife and kids have individual sessions too), I’m going out weekly with friends to do trivia now, intermittent karaoke/misc nights, and I have a friend here locally that I’ve confided in that’s gone through divorce too. Otherwise only a handful of people and our kids know right now.

I am discovering more of the needs of mine that were not met and how incompatible we were in areas. It’s just the “what if’s”, feeling like I failed, and concern for how to balance things for the kids keep playing over and over in my mind.

We’re 1 month into our 6 month separation and she seems pretty set on divorce. We’re not dating others right now but it sounds like that’s how she sees fixing her validation issues after divorce is to try and get it from other people since I’m not a safe place. Which even her therapist is against that it sounds like. But she sees how other women are treated or want to be treated on social media and whatever resonates with her she locks onto, if even short term/emotionally.

Since she doesn’t have many close friends or support nearby, I’m already thinking of things like her needing my help to move into a new place. Whatever that looks like for our living situations down the line. Luckily the kids are in middle school and older, but not seeing them every day and constantly needing to communicate with her after this to be involved with them sounds exhausting.

I’m looking for any general advice to help me out.