If I knew how it would end, I wouldn’t have been with her
The years we spent together were wonderful. There was real love and affection there. But if I had known how things would end, I wouldn't do it over. I wouldn’t have gone on that first date. If I had known the pain I’d have to endure down the line I would have bothered.
I could have had a whole other life. I might have found someone who wouldn't have betrayed me so catastrophically. Someone who would have been my forever person. Someone who wouldn't have shattered my heart for some drunk ego stroking. I was good enough to keep around to cook and clean and be a domestic companion. Just not good enough to be faithful to.
I know infidelity isn’t a reflection on me. It was her emotional immaturity and self-worth issues. She needed validation, but mine wasn't good enough. If I could have spared myself this trauma, I would have. The pain of having my heart broken and not returning to the person I was before this whole mess isn’t worth it. It changed me in a way I hate. I miss the person I used to be. I’m definitely more discerning and assertive now, but also guarded, and I’ve lost so much joy and naïveté that I’ll never really back.
But I guess this is all hypothetical. None of it matters anyway because what’s done is done. Just have to keep moving forward and remember there might be someone else out there who would treat me right. Someone with whom trust and respect are assured and not something I need to second guess.