u/Dramatic_Jaguar_183

I’m about to blab a whole bunch of nothing. I’m not feeling good this morning, I let my thoughts get away from me while driving to work this morning. I’m between sadness, anger, yearning, love. They’re all mixed up and bubbling at the surface, vying for my attention. I kind of set this up for myself by blasting without you first thing in the morning lol. I thought that when you love someone deeply being without them will always hurt .. but is this true? I don’t feel that way about my sisters. I’m really happy knowing they’re somewhere living a good life. So is it jealousy that I feel? I’m jealous of everyone who’s in your life because that’s something that I can’t have right now? There definitely is some of that. I’ve been on the woo woo meditation journey recently of plugging into the universe and sometimes when I’m deep in it I feel like I’m one with the universe, the one with you in it.

I know you don’t care and you’re gone now. But are you? Do you check this sometimes when you feel me energetically? And how many times in this lifetime do I have to get over you? I never thought you belonged to me to be honest. I felt like you belonged to a world of women that loved you completely and purely and I could never have been the one to give that to you. I’m too real and too much and too fucked up for you. I was afraid of hurting you, and Im afraid I’ve done that way more times than I’ve ever wanted to. Maybe I stayed away on purpose because I just wanted to be your dream girl. I didn’t want you to know the real me, the one that is hanging out in my head today. Well she’s toxica but kinda hot lol so I guess that’s a vibe too.

I just want things to be ok again. I want to make up and I want to know that you still feel the same way.. I need a hug haha. 😔

Recently, q** reached out. Well he actually found me on tt while I was still w d but I ignored him and then he dmed me on ig. We hung out once recently and he’s been texting me every day. Q is so funnie, he is so demanding and he’s always asking a lot of me. He wants selfies and to ft. He wants to yap about communism. He wants to sxt. He wants to take pix of me, he wants to show me his cooking. He’s trying to get me to go over on the weekdays, planning weekend activities with me. I’m literally so busy on weekdays I don’t even have time to eat so lol. I know I don’t have to entertain him but it’s kind of fun when someone really attractive is into you. The demands are kinda cute and it’s certainly a change from being rejected for a full year 🤣 (that and being in a lukewarm relationship). He doesn’t understand why I’m so shy and I’m like my heart is allllllllll fucking twisted and fucked you don’t understand.

Would you be jealous if I fked q or you don’t care? I need to know.

Ok so I have a theory that when you’re sleeping/ dreaming / in a different consciousness, your soul is operating as its truest form, which is the energy form of you and is not tied to any body, and is part of the whole universe. you’re no longer inside your body, you become bigger, you become part of the universe basically. And when u wake up in the morning there’s like a 5 min or so window where you feel bliss because you’re deeply in your spiritual form where you feel infinite love , before you remember all the attachments (to emotions, to people, things, your responsibilities, your job, your ego, your identity etc etc) you have in this world.

It’s been a while — and I’m sure a much longer while for you than me from this date. I hope you’ve recovered enough from this date to find it unimportant now. For me, I remember it like it was yesterday.

You called me out of the blue. It was night hours for you and I usually don’t hear from you that late. I was really excited, my heart rolling many beats over while I picked up — your voice is my favorite. I was driving to Malibu. You were calling from the hospital you said, you were really really sick. I didn’t understand what was going on. It’d been happening for a while now, you were explaining, the feeling sick… Between my mhms and oh shits and the silence that fell while I waited for you to fall asleep, my heart found itself tightly wedged — stuck and fluttering in an awkward shape between the excitement of learning that you cared about me enough to call me whilst you were dying basically, the pain of your suffering, which I wanted to swipe away from you and was completely powerless to do, and the realization that I wasn’t going to see you for a really, really, really long time.

I searched for flights that day, holding my phone up because of the dumb fucking lack of reception, squinting in the dumb sun at the dumb beach with my fking dumb friends (haha jk I actually did realy like those two we just don’t hang out anymore). The travel restrictions were so tight, I couldn’t get out of the country. God I felt so stupid and useless. I just wanted to be with you, next to you. Holding your hand and sitting in the same chair all night I don’t care. I wanted to be there so badly. I didn’t need any of this fucking sand sticking to my toes and riding up my thong like WHAT was I doing. Ugh. I hated myself.

The sun shone so brightly that day like that laughing baby in the Teletubbies, but it was the darkest day in Malibu. I was disappointed in fate and the universe and god and all the spiritual things I believed and trusted.

In the days that followed, I didn’t lack anything — I was healthy, well fed, I had a somewhat interesting job, a roof over my head, friends and lovers and a lot, a lot to be grateful for. But it was like that guy in a wrinkle in time where he had a giant feast but was eating sand. I just kept tasting sand.

This one’s not a daydream it’s a real dream I had yesterday I forgot some of it because it was a really really long dream and in the middle part I went to the spa lol but. I got what I wanted

We were in a yellowish plastered room. I went this time and it was a bar or someone’s living room. I thought I might run into you there but I wasn’t sure. There you were on the doorway, just as I remembered you. Jen was there too, your mom and your sister , who in this version was younger than you. She was teasing you about something and you were completely blushing. I hugged you and held you because you were so !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to me.

I woke up feeling satisfied . But tell me how to forget you when you’re showing up in my dreams like this ? Maybe I will one day when the time is right . I’m sorry I upset you with our interaction. To be honest I don’t know how to act around you most of the time, you turn my blood into smoke the way I feel about you. I’ve hidden that for so long so now I just want to be myself. I deserve to live my truth. My heart too, she only points me in one direction. Sometimes I want her to choose someone else for once, it really just doesn’t happen. I want to be close again, I don’t know how to get there but maybe the universe will figure it out for us. Maybe they’re already planning.

I don’t want to change you. If being apart is what you want then let’s do that, I respect your wishes. We already are basically on opposite sides of the earth idk how much further I can get from you haha. I will just go about my day to day.

If ur out there being sad r n, don’t be! Whatever you think is the worst case scenario, may actually be moving towards the best case scenario. ‼️ ‼️

If you’re out there being free and happy, that’s enough for me.