u/Dream_Slayer5845

I’ve spent a lot of time in the BPDLovedOnes space over the last couple of months because so much of my relationship felt relatable there — the instability, emotional intensity, constant breakups/reconciliations, couples therapy, individual therapy, medication changes, feeling exhausted and confused all the time, etc.

But after reading through posts here, I feel like this space may actually be more relatable to where I’m currently at emotionally. Not because everything is suddenly “fixed,” but because despite everything, both of us still genuinely want our family together and are trying to approach things differently this time.

My partner (32M) and I (28F) have been together for 11 years but separated about 2.5 weeks ago after things became too overwhelming for me emotionally. I moved out and have been staying at my grandmother's house with our son. At times, our relationship has been perfect. In others, it has been abusive (verbal, emotional, physical). He is my best friend and my favorite person. Despite our differences and the pain that has been caused, I love him and our son more than anything in the world.

Yesterday, we had the calmest conversation we’ve had since separating. For once, it didn’t feel like a conversation centered around guilt, panic, or pressure. It felt more grounded in reality.

He’s currently in an IOP program and working on consolidating/stabilizing medications. He has diagnoses of bipolar disorder, OCD, and ADHD, and is currently prescribed Klonopin, lithium, and Adderall. He’s also continuing individual therapy, as am I.

During our conversation, he talked a lot about wanting to contribute more to the household, help more with our son, grocery shopping, cooking, emotional regulation, patience, and just generally becoming a more stable partner and father. One thing that stood out to me is that he isn’t pressuring me to move back in immediately. Instead of saying things like “I hate that you don’t want to be here,” he’s using language more like “if we work things out” and "if we decide to live together again". That difference honestly matters to me.

I’m trying to stay realistic. We have broken up countless times over the years. We’ve done couples therapy before. We’ve both done individual therapy. We’ve both been on medications before. So I’m not naïve to the cycle or pretending one good conversation magically fixes years of instability.

But I also can’t deny that for the first time in a while, I feel somewhat hopeful instead of just emotionally cornered. And I think a huge part of that is that this separation finally forced both of us to stop operating in survival mode for a second.

I don’t really know what happens from here. I just wanted to share because I imagine some people here may understand the complicated feeling of simultaneously loving someone deeply, being hurt deeply, and still cautiously hoping growth is possible.

I’ve posted before about separating from my partner of 11 years who has BPD traits. We have a 3 month old son together. I moved out recently after years of emotional instability and physical abuse, including being choked during an argument after our son was born.

Since separating, things have been extremely confusing emotionally. One minute he’s apologizing, saying he misses me, saying I’m “his person,” being admitted to an intensive therapy program and continues medication and regular therapy treatment, telling me he’s depressed and can barely function without me. Then in a few instances, he’s calling me names, telling me he hates me, blaming me for his pain, or accusing me of throwing him away.

What makes this hard is that I still love him. I don’t think he’s evil. I think he’s genuinely hurting. And sometimes when he’s calm and remorseful, I start questioning myself and wondering if I should give him another chance. We were together 11 years. We built a life together and had a baby together. It’s not easy to emotionally detach from someone overnight. Or a few weeks. Or months.

But at the same time, being away from him has also brought me a sense of relief that I can’t ignore. I realized how much of my life revolved around managing his emotions, preventing conflict, reassuring him, and carrying the emotional weight of the relationship. During my pregnancy especially, I felt emotionally abandoned while simultaneously being expected to comfort and stabilize him.

Now I feel stuck between grief, guilt, love, anger, relief, and fear. I miss him, but I also feel calmer away from the chaos. I care about him deeply, but I don’t know if love alone is enough to rebuild trust and emotional safety after years of instability and physical abuse.

I think that’s the hardest part. Loving someone and still not knowing if being with them is healthy for you anymore.

I am still in awe that you destroyed our family. You destroyed me in the process. You hurt me in so many different ways that I don’t even know where to begin healing. You let me down when I needed you. The biggest thing I’ve ever gone through in my life, being pregnant, was made entirely about you. I spent my pregnancy reassuring you, fighting with you, crying over you, apologizing to you, losing sleep and feeling insufficient all the time. Then (son’s name redacted) was born. And you were better some times, and horrible in others. You broke my heart when you choked me. I always thought that if I stayed, you’d know I loved you. But you never did. I was never enough. I could be there, saying the things but it wasn’t enough because my tone. Or I didn’t hug you enough. Or I didn’t feed you enough. Or I didn’t do anything enough for you to ever feel fulfilled. And now I’m gone, and you want me back. For what? To tell me again how I’m not doing enough? How we aren’t having sex enough? We don’t hang out enough? I feel like everything is always about you. And I gave you everything. I gave you everything I possibly could all the time. I took care of you. I love you. I supported you. I was there for you. I gave you a beautiful son, I carried him to a full term and he was born healthy and continues to be. I gave you money so we could have a house that was what we wanted. I gave you food and did everything to maintain your routines and your comfortability. I gave you patience and support. I loved you in your worst moments. I saw past your flaws and continued to show you kindness. I feel like you betrayed me. I feel like you stabbed me 100 times, for years. And I still stayed and loved you. I excused so much behavior. I endured so much pain because of you. But I still just wasn’t enough.

As I was picking up my son from his father’s (pwBPD) home, he had added a few of my remaining items to bags and left them out for me. In the bags was my mail, and a note from him. I found the note once I got back to my family’s house. The note said “I’m sorry for everything and I miss you both. Thank you for letting me spend some time with him. I love you”.

Today, I received a text from him saying “Thank you for letting my mom and I see (son’s name redacted). If you ever want to talk, I’d really appreciate that. I’d hate this to be the way it ends. Us never speaking and you avoiding me. I know said you don’t know how you feel and I understand why. Just know I miss you and I’m sorry.”

My nervous system still recognizes this as part of a familiar reconciliation pattern, not necessarily evidence of change.

That “looped” feeling — guilt, confusion, second-guessing, feeling pulled to comfort him when I am the one who was hurt — that is often exactly what these cycles create.

I am asking myself:

-What is this bringing up in me — guilt, obligation, hope, fear?

-Am I responding to who he has consistently been, or to who he is presenting as right now?

-Have I seen lasting change, or am I reacting to remorse?

- If a friend told me this story, what would I say to her?

-Does responding come from peace… or from feeling pulled to relieve his pain?

Also: his sadness is not a debt I owe payment on.

Welp. This has been fun.

For those untangling trauma bonds, caretaking, self-doubt, fawning, or volatile relationship dynamics:

Self-Trust / Reality Checking

-What do I know in my gut before I start doubting myself?

-At what point do I start assuming I’m the problem instead of trusting my distress?

-Do I confuse confusion with love?

-What signals tell me I’m abandoning myself?

Boundaries & Guilt

-Why does protecting myself trigger guilt?

-When did self-protection start feeling selfish?

-Do I feel responsible for what happens to someone if I set a boundary or leave?

-Do I mistake compassion for continuing to give someone access to hurt me?

Love vs Rescue

-Do I confuse loving someone with stabilizing or rescuing them?

-Am I acting as a partner… or as someone’s emotional regulator?

-Where did I learn love means absorbing pain?

-What would love look like without rescue?

Trauma Bonds / Intermittent Reinforcement

-Do apologies or moments of remorse pull me back into staying?

-Do I keep hoping the tender/remorseful version is the “real” one?

-Am I mistaking intermittent relief for actual safety?

-Is what keeps me here love… or burden and responsibility?

Fawning / Over-Accommodating

-In conflict, do I shrink, appease, over-explain, or become softer to keep the peace?

-Do I unconsciously believe, “If I can be good enough, the threat will calm”?

-Do I keep trying to solve a moving target where the goalposts always change?

-How often do I prioritize another person’s regulation over my own wellbeing?

Identity & Self-Worth

-Who am I when I’m not managing someone else’s instability?

-Is being needed something I’m more comfortable with than being cherished?

-Do I trust my concern for others more than my concern for myself?

-What parts of me have gotten smaller in order to keep the peace?

Protection & Safety

-Do I protect others more readily than I protect myself?

-What would it look like to trust my protective instincts without guilt?

-What does safety actually feel like, versus hope?

-What am I tolerating that I would never want normalized for my child?

Big Healing Questions

-How do I keep my empathy without losing myself?

-What would it mean to love someone without abandoning me?

-What would change if I believed my pain “counts” before it reaches crisis?

Would love to hear which category resonates for others, or what questions have helped you heal.

❤️‍🩹