It's been an hr since I've dissolved the second dose of miso and I'm really scared. I'm 19f and I've never gone through this before, but based on the articles + posts I've been reading it is supposed to be fairly painful and intense this far along. I'm scared and already beginning to cramp.
I'm here to sort out my complicated thoughts & feelings over my abortion and have very mixed emotions based on my personal situation. Please don't read if contradicting emotions can upset you as someone who is/has gone through an abortion yourself - I am just spewing words to get them out in a place that is designed for this topic. So please take care of yourself as well, and scroll if it may upset you.
Thankfully I live in BC, Canada, so abortions are fairly accessible, judgment free, and offer a large range of supports. I have two days before my appointment and took three positive tests on Saturday (it is now Monday). So four days in total I will have knowingly spent having a growing embryo inside of me. When I first found out, I immediately knew my decision was termination. My boyfriend of 3 years was very supportive despite hoping that I would have decided differently he was absolutely amazing while I cried and went through a rollercoaster of emotions. Partly why I decided termination is because my bf and I just began long distance. He is now 3hrs away and just had his first weekend visit - where we found out I was about 6-7 weeks pregnant. So I had gotten pregnant just before he had to move for work. I'm also upgrading prerequisites for university, and next year will begin in person studies at the university so adding a baby on-top of an already overwhelming schedule with my biggest support being far away after we've NEVER been apart in the 3 years we've been together, it IS the logical decision and IS the best decision for all involved. I'm 19. I have so much maturing to do, I don't even have a career yet, live in a basement suite alone and would have to go through all three trimesters alone plus the majority of parenting by myself at least for the first year or two until my bf makes enough to move back here - I'm already overwhelmed without adding a baby.
But I can't shake the image of a pea sized embryo with facial structures beginning to form and vital organs growing, a heartbeat that might be detectable at its earliest. It fucking circles in my brain and I can't focus on my school rn because I only have 2 more days - but on the same coin I know I would be exhausted to the point it effects the baby, I would be overwhelmed and cranky with lack of sleep plus recovering from literal birth (which is a whole other can of anxieties: birth terrifies me.), a small one bedroom basement suite with two naughty cats that are basically babies themselves and how would this all fit together? I am not at the emotional or mature strength to even carry out pregnancy let alone be a mother at 19/20 - and I haven't even mentioned the financial stress. We are barely scraping by with just two furbabies right now, left with zero money at the end of each month until next paycheque comes in.
I keep going in circles in my mind, thinking of all the reasons a baby is the worst possible idea right now. No family on my side that is sober enough or sane enough to help, and my BF's side of the family are all hours away but they can be overbearing even with the best intentions they have, and I just want to be so much better than where I'm at now currently because I know that I would not raise this kid good - I myself am just a few months sober and still battling the mental battle of staying sober. There are so many variables. I can't stop grieving the baby we could have if only I were better and moving forward faster than I am. Even if I was on my last year of university vs just about to start my first year, would I be at the right maturity and mentality to be a good mother? I'm still so young. There is still so much I want to do with my life, and having a baby is a huge responsibility that I don't know if I can shoulder for the rest of my life - because a child IS a lifelong responsibility. The only reason my parents were able to half ass their responsibility was because foster care exists and me & my brother each went through phases of cutting off communication so they, quite literally, got the easy route of parenting - they didn't have to do half of what a good parent would. I want to be better. And I know with me so young and already overwhelmed with what is going on rn, I would just continue the cycle and the possibility of emotionally neglecting this child is feeling so real and so scarily possible.
I am diagnosed with depression, ADHD, and anxiety - a combination I have worked years through counselling to grab a hold on but still am nowhere near as in control as I would have to be to properly care for and nurture a child - yet I still grieve. I'll never know what this baby looks like, never get to hear that heartbeat that could already be audible, never get to feel those kicks or squish those little toes once it came out - even if we do try for a planned baby in five years (which we talked about, and we both want to happen. When we're both at different spots in life.) I know genetically it won't be the same as this one. I can't get myself to unhook from these what ifs.
I sincerely do apologise for all the jumbled emotions and everything contradicting eachother. I hope this reaches somebody who can offer sound advice or, at least somebody who understands and can chat. I feel really alone. I don't have any trusted family to talk about this with, and my bf is my only support - but he's 3 hrs away. And even then he won't understand fully because he doesn't have our little creation growing inside of him with a ticking clock. I feel guilty for my decision, but also feel even guiltier at the thought of bringing a baby into my situation when I can't even provide the proper basic care.
These fish were originally given to me as tetras, but I am almost certain they are a type of juvenile angelfish - can somebody please confirm?
(I am rehoming most of them as they are already showing signs of aggression as there are far too many of these fish together for the 25 gal they are in - I was not prepared for these fish as I was given them under the guise they were tetras! Don't come for me pls!!)