Twenty Six years old and in the process of rebuilding my life. On January 8th of this year I made a decision while drunk that resulted in the end of my relationship. I was unfaithful, I sent a very inappropriate text to a woman I hadn’t spoken to in six years. No recollection or clue as to why but that honestly just makes the whole thing worse and has caused me to question if I had done something like that before.The breakup meant I also ‘lost’ my cats, my house, my relationship with my ex’s family, many of our friends, and so much more.
It was my fault, and I tend not to say ‘lost’ because honestly I gave it all away for my alcoholism. I didn’t want to be a drunk, but I ended up one anyway. Took inventory of what I no longer had and decided to finally get help like my partner had asked me a hundred times. I started therapy, and recovery. I made some great strides about a month removed from the incident. I had some setbacks for sure. Relapsed once, had a lot of trouble getting a new job, made some poor decisions seeking comfort in people rather than focusing on my own recovery. I’m not proud of the setbacks but at least I learned from them I suppose.
Hard to believe it will be four months since that random day in January, I wasn’t sure I’d make it out alive at times. I have a great job now, my boss is a great guy who has helped me a lot with my struggles. Almost three months sober, making a lot of progress with therapy and medication. Making way healthier physical and emotional choices and I’ve reconnected with some of the friends I lost.
There’s the obvious though. There is my ex. We had talked on and off. They were very angry, and understandably so. They said and did some very hurtful, but very understandable things given my infidelity and frankly childish behavior while drunk. I did not do a good job making amends initially. I had come to terms with no contact until sometime in late march when they asked if I could watch our old cats for a week. I was happy to, and when they dropped them off I took the chance to apologize like I should have and they expressed sincere appreciation of it. After giving the cats back we had a short text exchange that basically consisted of them expressing a desire to love me again, but a fear that I’d just repeat those mistakes. I was as understanding as I could be, I made it clear I was open to it but understood they couldn’t commit right now.
Last week we sat and talked, and it was a very good conversation. After the initial awkwardness and pain we fell into conversation that was exactly how we used to talk. We laughed and made all of our stupid jokes and lied on the bed with the cats. At the end, we hugged, I expressed that I really felt we could figure things out and they agreed but said they needed time.
Then it happened. During that conversation they asked and I was honest about having not been a monk. I had slept with one person on a couple of occasions in early March. I was honest that that person had expressed wanting to try dating and I was clear that I wasn’t looking for that and that frankly I didn’t think we should see each other anyway because I realized what I was doing was not healthy.
I think that sat in my ex’s mind a lot, and given the nature of our breakup it makes sense. While they had initially been receptive and hopeful about moving forward that was too much for them. They told me they’re done with me for good, and wish me well. I was angry, sad, and finally understanding. At first I wanted to express that I knew they had not been abstinent either, I am painfully aware that they began seeing an old fling shortly after the breakup. Of course I wanted to call that hypocritical, but the fact is I cheated they didn’t. I was holding onto hope, they were trying to move on.
Long story, but felt like getting it off my chest. I don’t know if I’ll ever truly be proud of myself, but I’m glad I’m trying to be better. Still in love, but so it goes. Part of me still looks for that text or call, and another part knows I shouldn’t.