u/Droplet_In_The_Sea

Pa-share kasi ang bigat potek

Mag-2 years na kami ni jowa this August. At hindi ko alam kung paano ko ie-explain nang maayos kung gaano siya kabuting tao.

Hindi siya perpekto. Hindi siya mayaman. Pero siya ’yung klaseng tao na kapag may kailangan ka, gagawa at gagawa siya ng paraan kahit kapalit non sarili niyang pahinga. Lagi kong naririnig ang "Jeee...(insert favor here)"

Noong pandemic pa lang, siya na halos sumalo sa pamilya nila. Sa mama niyang nagkasakit hanggang sa mawala nitong January. Sa mga kapatid niya. Sa mga pamangkin. Sa kung sino mang kailangang saluhin kapag gipit.

Tahimik lang siya.

Hindi siya reklamo nang reklamo.

Hindi siya ’yung lalaking ipapamukha sa’yo lahat ng ginawa niya.

Ang problema, habang sinasalo niya lahat, siya naman ’tong unti-unting nalulubog.

Online loans. Coop. Utang sa tao. Paikot-ikot na lang siya.

At ang pinakamasakit, kahit hirap na hirap na siya, inuuna niya pa rin ibang tao.

2 months ago, kakabayad ko lang ng sarili kong mga utang na dala ko pa since pandemic. Akala ko makakahinga na ako finally.

Tapos nagkasakit ako. As in bad enough na kailangan na talagang magpacheck up. Alam kong wala kaming extra. Alam kong panibagong stress na naman kung mangungutang. Gusto kong tiisin, itulog, water therapy... inaaway ko siya kapag binabanggit niya ospital kasi nga ang gastos.

Ayaw niya.

Literal na binuhat niya ako papuntang ospital. Nanghiram ulit siya para lang mapagamot ako. Hanggang ngayon naiiyak pa rin ako kapag naiisip ko ’yon. Potek na 'yan.

Kasi ganon siya. Kapag mahal ka niya, ibibigay niya lahat kahit wala nang matira sa kanya.

Ngayon, pareho kaming nagtatrabaho. Customer service, call center. Sapat para mabuhay. Hindi sapat para makawala agad. At nakikita ko siya minsan, tahimik lang, tapos iilaw phone niya. Alam ko na agad.

Panibagong singil. Panibagong pressure.

Minsan nahuhuli ko siyang nakatulala lang. Minsan pilit siyang tatawa. Minsan sasabihin niyang okay lang. Pero kilala ko siya. Pagod na pagod na siya. Minsan naririnig ko siyang umiiyak "nang tahimik" kapag nakapikit na ko okaya hanggang panaginip gusto na niyang sumama sa mama niya. Ang sakit potek.

Ang sakit kasi wala akong magawa.

Recently nalaman ko gaano kalaki pa pala natitira. Sobrang laki. Hindi ko na sasabihin exact, pero enough para maintindihan kong kaya pala parang hindi siya makahinga minsan. Hindi ko alam. Ang helpless ng pakiramdam.

Mahal na mahal ko ’tong taong ’to.

At kung may isang bagay akong gustong mangyari bago anniversary namin this August, hindi regalo. Hindi travel. Hindi date.

Gusto ko lang makita siyang huminga nang maluwag.

’Yong genuine.

’Yong walang kaba kapag tumunog phone niya.

’Yong hindi niya iniisip paano ulit tatawid sa susunod na cutoff.

Help. Hindi ko alam anong kailangan ko marinig. Hindi ko alam kung practical ba ’to o emotional lang ako. Siguro gusto ko lang may makabasa nito at magsabing hindi siya talo. Kahit prayers na lang.

Kasi sa totoo lang, pakiramdam ko sobrang unfair ng buhay sa mga taong katulad niya.

’Yung ubos na ubos na kakabigay, pero sila pa rin ’yung mas hirap makahinga. Hays Love, kaya natin to ah! Laban ka pa konti, pls pls 🥹

My man deserves so much more from this life!

I feel embarrassed even typing this. This is so fvcked up but my man deserves so much more!!

I’ve rewritten this so many times because I honestly don’t know how to say any of this without sounding pathetic, manipulative, or like just another stranger on the internet asking for help.

Truthfully, I fear posting this at all, so here it goes...

He's always been the type to quietly figure things out, even if it means carrying the stress alone. My partner and I both work customer service jobs here in the Philippines. We’re not starving, we’re not homeless, and I know there are people going through much worse. That’s partly why this is so hard to post.

But my chest has been so heavy lately watching someone I love, as pure as this man, slowly get drained by a life that has asked too much from him for too long.

He isn’t a gambler. He isn’t reckless. He didn’t get himself buried in debt because of bad habits or selfish choices. He got here because since the pandemic, he became the person everyone depended on.

He helped support his family. Helped with his mother’s medical needs until she passed this January. Helped siblings. Helped wherever there was a gap to fill.

And every time life demanded more than he had, he borrowed because there wasn’t another choice.

When I met him almost two years ago, he was still this bright, funny, ridiculously caring person who somehow made everyone around him feel lighter even while carrying all that weight.

That hasn’t changed.

He still takes care of me in ways I don’t think I’ll ever fully deserve.

Two months ago, I had finally finished paying off debts I’d been carrying since the pandemic. I thought I was finally free.

Then I got sick.

Really sick.

I wanted to just endure it because the idea of borrowing again terrified me. I slept through it believing that my body can heal itself thru rest and water. I am just back earning without the negative balance! Guess what?

He didn’t let me.

He literally carried me to the hospital.

The money for that... came from another loan.

That’s him. He will always choose people first, even when it costs him.

And now I’m sitting here, across him while he's cooking dinner so we can "save money while he's making sure that I healthy," watching his phone light up with collection messages, watching his face shift every single time, and it hurts knowing I can’t fix it.

I peeked at the numbers recently.

He still has around $8,500 (converted to usd so it can be put in context) worth of debt left. The most urgent ones are around $2,500.

We’re working. We’re paying what we can. But when your combined income in a third-world country stretches only so far, it feels like trying to empty the ocean with your hands.

This August will be our second anniversary. And all I keep thinking is how badly I just want to see him breathe.

Not some grand celebration.

Not gifts.

Not anything extravagant.

Just one real breath where he doesn’t look at his phone like it might ruin his day.

I know this post might get ignored, and honestly I understand if it does. I posted here cuz maybe I won't get judged in our country's reddit sub haha.

Even posting this feels selfish.

But if anyone reading this happens to feel moved enough to help, even in the smallest way, I put together a crowdfunding page.

Please don’t feel obligated. Even just reading this already means more than you know.

I think I just needed to finally say this somewhere.

Thanks for listening. Will update when our journey have significant moves 🥹