u/Drummeronhell

I honestly don’t understand how people here manage to accept a life like this. I also have PSSD, a condition where sexual side effects can persist long after stopping an antidepressant. So I can’t take medication because I’m afraid of making that worse as well.
Yet on the PSSD subreddit, they have funding for research, including a study that is currently underway. Here, we have basically nothing. By far, this is the most defeatist and conformist community I’ve found on Reddit, and it really frustrates me.
I’m doing physical therapy and CBT, and my biggest problems are with my gait and legs. I can still walk, but I spend 24 hours a day terrified that I’ll eventually lose that ability.
I hate the kind of treatment we have here. In Brazil, there is basically only one physical therapist who claims to specialize in FND. She calls herself a mental health physical therapist, but her approach is heavily influenced by psychoanalysis. She gives you these strange body-awareness exercises mixed with this frustrating emphasis on acceptance. She doesn’t really give you any hope or expectation of recovery, and it feels like you’re simply being taught to live with the disorder.
My question is: how do you guys manage to accept this kind of life? I would never accept having to use a cane or a wheelchair. Never.
I’ve already written a farewell letter, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this.

Why are doctors here in Brazil such fucking assholes? I’m in my second physical therapy session, which actually feels more like an Eutony class. I can walk, but it’s totally messing with my head because, every few steps, I make some movement that makes absolutely no sense. It feels like, mid-step, my foot thinks I’m about to step on something sharp and sort of halts the motion—not a dead stop, but it hesitates. And that’s on top of my other symptoms. The doctors don’t offer even a shred of hope for remission; they dodge the subject and always push a narrative of resignation. I am definitely not going to resign myself to becoming disabled. I’m honestly finding myself more open to the idea of suicide every day. Can anyone here offer some hope in this shitty situation? And I don’t mean something like "it’ll always be there but things can improve"—I don’t want that; that’s not enough. I want to go back to how I was before. My life is over; killing myself is the best choice.

* I don't want comments like "I've been like this for x years and have no hope left."

Please help me. I’m almost at the point of ending my life. I am a professional musician. Last year I thought I had peripheral polyneuropathy because I was experiencing neuropathic symptoms in all four limbs. I spent about 6 months in an insane mental torture, thinking I would have to stop playing, dealing with depression and anxiety every single day.

After my last appointment with a neuromuscular specialist, who reassured me that she did not see signs of peripheral neuropathy in me, she referred me to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist diagnosed me with Functional Neurological Disorder (FND). Around the time of that appointment with the psychiatrist, I had already been feeling for about a month that I was walking in a strange way, like I was slightly unbalanced. Since I also have PSSD (Post-SSRI Sexual Dysfunction / Post-SSRI Syndrome), I didn’t want to take medication and I didn’t pay much attention to it, because my biggest fear was neuropathy.

As the days and months went by, I slowly returned to my normal activities and became calmer. But this year, about 2 months ago, I started feeling more localized neuropathic symptoms in my left arm and hand, and I became extremely scared and anxious about carpal tunnel syndrome. The tests were all coming back normal. I spent 2 months like this until yesterday, when a hand specialist said that he believes it is indeed carpal tunnel syndrome and prescribed treatment.

The problem is that since Sunday the strange walking feeling has started coming back, and now I am TERRIFIED about FND and that my life in music is going to end, that I will become disabled or trapped with this forever.

I contacted my psychiatrist again, and he managed to get me a screening appointment tomorrow at one of the biggest hospitals here in Brazil, where there is a specialized team for somatic disorders.

I am spending my days here on Reddit looking for recovery stories, but I keep seeing many terrible stories that are making me feel even worse. I am in a huge mental hell right now.

Because when I play, I notice that a specific movement with my hand feels like it has “forgotten” how to do it, even though I can still move normally. My hand also gets sweaty, which makes me lose grip of the drumstick.

I am also having some visual symptoms sometimes that I already had before, but I thought they were because of anxiety. Now they seem to be happening more often after I watched a video of an FND patient who lost her vision and movement in both legs.

Please, someone give me a reassuring message that I will be able to get through this and that my drums and my music are not over for me. Please.

I already made another post saying that I'm a drummer and this is messing with my mental health to the point where I want to end it all. I've been dealing with the onset of symptoms for 2 months and a month with different sensitivity in my left thumb. Today the sensitivity seems to have worsened. I already had an EMG which came back normal, and the day after tomorrow I'm going to have an ultrasound. After that I'm going to schedule an appointment with a hand specialist. But please, I just want to hear that this sensitivity will return to normal, otherwise, drumming is over for me. I just got scared reading a website that says that loss of sensitivity is already an indication for surgery and that sometimes it may not return to normal (?!!??). I wouldn't have a problem with surgery, I just can't accept at all that this sensitivity won't return to what it was before. Has anyone had this symptom and recovered from it? Please help!

Hi everyone,
I'm a drummer and a drum teacher, and I'm currently going through a complete nightmare with my left arm and hand. I am terrified, spiraling, and losing all hope that I’ll ever be able to play normally again. Drumming is my entire life; I don't see a future without it. I really hope someone here can help me make sense of this and reassure me that I will recover.
Here is my complete, raw timeline:

Early April: I woke up one morning realizing I had been sleeping directly on my left arm. I had a thought like, "Man, I think I've been doing this frequently lately." At the time, my ring and pinky fingers—and maybe my whole arm—were numb, and it took way longer than usual to fade. Since it’s been two months, I can’t remember exactly how many hours it took to resolve, or if my symptoms actually triggered that day and never fully went away.

The following weeks: After researching online, I kept asking ChatGPT if this was Carpal Tunnel or Cubital Tunnel Syndrome. I was confused because after a few days, the symptoms shifted and felt more like the Median nerve complaining: thumb, index, middle, and ring fingers. My pinky rarely had any symptoms.

First Orthopedist visit: I went to a low-cost community clinic and told the doctor everything. He performed standard physical provocation tests (percussing different nerve sites), but nothing flared up aggressively, so he wasn't worried. He ordered an Electromyography (EMG), stating that the test would definitively tell us if it was Carpal Tunnel. He prescribed nerve vitamins, anti-inflammatories for pain, and told me to follow up once I had the results.

Rehearsal shortly after: About three weeks after the initial symptoms started (and after that first appointment), I went to rehearse with my rock band. After just 3 or 4 songs, we took a break, and I noticed that the center of my left thumb pad felt "mushy/soft" and had reduced sensitivity. I was already mentally exhausted, and this threw me into deep anxiety.

The EMG Results: Due to scheduling delays, I could only get the test done on May 13th. On May 18th, the EMG results came back completely NORMAL, even though I had been feeling the sensory deficit for weeks.

The Hammer Incident: The day after getting my normal EMG results, I was venting to my girlfriend about how distressed I was because I noticed a drop in my technique while practicing on my drum pad. She has bipolar disorder and hit me—not super hard, but enough—with a meat tenderizer hammer right on my left forearm, directly over the ulnar nerve pathway. I didn't feel much pain initially and didn't think much of it.

Two days after the hit: Obsessed with the feeling that my technique was off, I decided to push through and practice on the drum pad for two hours straight. I was sick of living and sleeping with this constant worry and thought, "Screw it, I'm just going to play." Up until that point, I had barely been playing, only instructing my students verbally during lessons out of fear of making it worse.

The Crash (May 22nd): The morning after that 2-hour practice session, I came back from a lesson and noticed that my ring and pinky fingers were constantly flaring up, and I felt a profound weakness. I immediately started testing it: I pinched objects with my right hand's pinky and thumb, then compared it to my left. My left hand could clearly lift much less weight; it was shaking and aching whenever I tried to pull a heavier object. I spent the entire day completely losing my mind, chain-smoking, pacing around the house, terrified of permanent neurological damage. That night, I went to an ER. They did an X-ray to check for fractures, which was normal. The doctor said it was likely "neuritis" (nerve inflammation), prescribed a 4-day course of corticoids and anti-inflammatories, and told me it would return to normal as the nerve regenerated.

May 25th (Orthopedist Follow-up): I went back to my original doctor. I told him everything. He reviewed the normal EMG and this time ordered a cervical spine MRI and 4 local ultrasounds of my left arm/hand. He mentioned the root issue could be coming from my neck and that the ultrasounds would help visualize the arm nerves. (Honestly, that son of a bitch should have ordered the ultrasounds during the first visit).

Yesterday: It was the last day of my corticoid/anti-inflammatory course. Unlike the previous night, where I felt I was slowly improving, I woke up feeling terrible again. In a panic, I went to the ER of a world-renowned Orthopedics and Traumatology Institute here in Brazil. A resident doctor evaluated me. She ordered another X-ray (normal) and performed strength tests, which she deemed completely normal. She repeated that it would regenerate and that it looked like a minor injury. When I asked how I should investigate the chronic symptoms I had before the hammer strike, she told me my symptoms didn't make much clinical sense, showed no gravity, and that further emergency investigation wasn't necessary because upcoming exams would likely show nothing.

Today: I woke up a bit calmer after the hospital visit. However, I gave a lesson early this evening and decided to play along with my student for a bit. The weirdness in my thumb is still there—a very specific, reduced sensitivity right on the outer left tip of my left thumb. Now my head is a mess again. I feel stuck with no way out.

Summary of Current Symptoms:
Ulnar Nerve Path: Neuropathic pain/aching on the outer left side of my wrist; intermittent shocks and pins and needles in my pinky and ring fingers; neuropathic pain along the ulnar side of my forearm.
Median Nerve Path: Reduced sensitivity/numbness on the tip of my thumb (worse when touching objects, and the skin feels oddly soft/mushy); occasional tingling in my index and middle fingers; occasional pain on the thumb side of my wrist.
Upper Limb: Occasional sharp, shooting pains radiating into my biceps and shoulder, which I suspect is due to extreme protective muscle guarding and anxiety.

Important Context (My Past History with FND):
I need to share a vital piece of my medical history. Last year, I spent 6 months wanting to end my life because I was experiencing severe neuropathic symptoms in all 4 limbs. I thought I had a progressive polyneuropathy. After endless testing, it turned out to be entirely psychological/somatic. I was diagnosed with Functional Neurological Disorder (FND)—a glitch in the body's "software," not the "hardware." Could this new episode be my FND flaring up again? I can't completely rule it out. But this time, it feels incredibly localized to my left upper limb, right where the physical trauma occurred, and it is destroying my mental stability just like last year.

So, what the hell is going on?

Professional drummer here.

For about a month and a half I’ve been having symptoms that seem like carpal tunnel syndrome. Now I feel slightly reduced sensation in my left thumb compared to my right, along with various neuropathic symptoms.

But I’m honestly falling into depression because I noticed my double stroke got worse. My left hand feels less agile, more rigid… I don’t know.

I already had an EMG done and it came back normal, so now I have no idea what to do.

Has anyone here gone through this, recovered, and returned to playing normally? I’m praying for positive responses. My mental health is really bad because of this.

For about a month and a half I’ve been having symptoms that seem like carpal tunnel syndrome. Now I feel slightly reduced sensation in my left thumb compared to my right, along with various neuropathic symptoms.

But I’m honestly falling into depression because I noticed my double stroke got worse. My left hand feels less agile, more rigid… I don’t know.

I already had an EMG done and it came back normal, so now I have no idea what to do.

Has anyone here gone through this, recovered, and returned to playing normally? I’m praying for positive responses. My mental health is really bad because of this.

I got the results of my upper limb EMG and it says: “no significant neurophysiological abnormalities.” However, I still have the symptoms I described in my previous post. I’m a professional musician/drummer and I’ve basically stopped playing, or only play the bare minimum (teaching lessons, etc.) because I’m afraid of making it worse.

Now I don’t know what’s going on. I’ve seen people saying EMGs can come back normal sometimes. Is the fact that mine was normal at least good news? Are there other diagnoses that could cause these symptoms?

Last year I had a cervical spine MRI and there was a herniated disc, but it was considered very small and supposedly not enough to cause symptoms.

What should I do now? I have a follow-up appointment with the orthopedist the day after tomorrow, but during the first appointment he seemed pretty unmotivated/disinterested. Should I schedule an appointment with a hand specialist?

I'm a professional drummer and I’m terrified of anything that could affect or reduce my ability to play.

Last year I went through months of hell with tingling, burning sensations, and needle-like pains all over my body. I thought I had neuropathy, but in the end it turned out to be mental health related. I was diagnosed with Functional Neurological Disorder (FND), so it wasn’t actually structural damage.

But over the past month or so, I’ve been feeling similar symptoms again, mostly on my left side. It started one day when I slept on my arm and woke up with it numb, and I realized I might be doing that often. Since then, I’ve been having intermittent burning, tingling, and shock-like sensations. Some days it got worse or was triggered when I played drums. There were also days when I played less or didn’t play at all and things seemed to calm down.

However, in the last two days, after a rehearsal, my left thumb started to feel like it has reduced sensitivity compared to my right, and this is really messing with my head. It’s bringing back everything I went through last year.

I saw an orthopedist about two weeks ago and he ordered a nerve conduction study (EMG), but I haven’t done it yet. I’m trying to schedule it and the earliest available date seems to be the 13th.

I just want to hear that I haven’t reached some irreversible stage and that I can recover from this. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is FND again, but this time I’m not sure because the left side is clearly more affected.