u/Dry-Radish-2396

I have been sent the email to retake the ermis eval but I can't find the instructions or the discord channel for it , any help ?

Two years ago, I came across a photo of a man online. Something about him caught my attention, so I looked at his profile and found out that he was related to some people in my extended family.

After that, I started thinking about him a lot, and I honestly don't know why. Gradually, I began feeling that I wanted to ask Allah to make him my husband. One day, after I had finished praying, I heard the verse

يَسْتَبْشِرُونَ بِنِعْمَةٍ مِّنَ اللَّهِ وَفَضْلٍ وَأَنَّ اللَّهَ لَا يُضِيعُ أَجْرَ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ

on the radio.

On another occasion, I asked Allah for a sign. I prayed that if this man was meant to be my husband, I would hear Surah Yusuf recited by Al-Minshawi the next day. The following day, I heard it.

What confuses me is that the dreams I have after praying Istikhara are usually strange. They are not reassuring in the way that the things that happen in reality seem to be. I also keep feeling as though there is some unusual connection between us, and the whole situation feels very strange to me.

There was one dream in particular that has stayed with me. In the dream, I had a very strong feeling that he was exhausted, as if he had been carrying a heavy burden for a long time and simply wanted to rest. Every time he saw me, he would hug me, even if other people were around us. When I woke up, the exact same feeling I had experienced in the dream stayed with me for a long time. It felt incredibly real.

Some time later, I happened to have a conversation with someone close to me. Without making it obvious that I was asking about him, I naturally steered the conversation toward him because I wanted to learn a little more about him. I was told by people I completely trust that his life has been far from easy and that he has gone through many very difficult experiences. That genuinely surprised me because, before that conversation, I knew absolutely nothing about his personal life that could have led me to imagine any of that. It made me wonder whether the feeling I experienced in the dream wasn't simply random.

Now, even though two years have passed, every so often I decide to pray Istikhara, leave the matter to Allah, and move on. At one point, I became interested in someone else. There was nothing official between us either. I simply wanted to know whether he was good for me before asking Allah to make him my husband. However, whenever I tried to make dua asking Allah to make him my husband if he was truly good for me, I felt as though my throat was tightening and my chest became so heavy that I could barely bring myself to make the dua. I never experienced that feeling when praying about this man, which is something I still don't understand.

At this point, I honestly don't know what to do. Nothing official has ever happened between us, and I don't understand why I keep coming back to thinking about him. Even if I pray about him before going to sleep, I wake up with a particular feeling in my chest.

I don't know what I should ask Allah for anymore or how I should move on from this. I would not be upset if Allah turned him away from me because he was not good for me. What troubles me is that I don't know what I should do to understand what is happening and finally let go of these thoughts completely.

I don't want to deceive myself or convince myself that something is true when it isn't. I'm not looking for someone to confirm what I want to believe. I'm genuinely trying to understand this experience, and I'm completely open to different opinions. If I'm mistaken or simply overthinking everything, I'm willing to accept that with respect. I just want an honest and objective perspective on what all of this could mean, if it means anything at all.