What started with happiness ended with Chaos, a lost mind and loneliness.
I was born a muslim by name, into a secular family. Under a year ago, I started to practice my religion. Like most reverts, I was frowned upon, belittled, judged, challenged. I learnt how to pray and commited to my Salah. However, I am in a dark place in life, and my heart is turning. My iman is falling. I am suffering and started to doubt myself, my purpose, my religion, my reason and many more...
How i turned to Islam is a different story. I met a young muslim man (12 years younger than me). He was different - very masculin and in the way he loved - wiser than his age, high iman, honest, super helpful and lovely person, fear of god, incorporated with middle eastern tradition and personality - maybe not so lovely towards how he may treat his wife. Basically, I fell in love, wanted to get married. Some may say I was brain washed, maybe I was not. I was somewhat controlled by being made guilty about my past and how it did not sit with my religion. Then he said he couldnt bring himself to marry me as there were things he could not accept. In the interim, I lost my will to live, motivation, independence, financial freedom, job and personality, my family relations...
Lately, Iv been thinking about death, Feeling sorry for myself. I can strongly empathise with people that want to die. I dont know where to start from. I have no motivation to move on, let go, start again, or even bother. I dont know my remedy. Lately feels like its not islam. I feel like going back to my old ways. My old ways did not work for me. I was just masking my sadness. It feels like this new path has not worked either. Iv been self-harming. Iv been depressed. Iv been suffering with ill health. Iv been physically abused.