The guilt that has been eating me for a month now
I really need to get this off of my chest because I just feel so guilty. do you have this one moment where you wish you could turn back time and just redo it all over again? yeah, I recently had this type of moment where I want to go back in time and change it. but that’s not how life works unfortunately. to put it simply, I just broke my closet friend well not friend but my closest cousin trust. we grew up together and yeah we had our hiccups I mean who doesn’t with their best friend right? but this time… oh I messed up badly. I probably gave her trust issues and I hate myself for it. one day, I met her after so long and we started gossiping about our family drama specifically my father’s side. she trusted me with all the drama, daring me not to go and tell anyone about this. during this time while we were gossiping, my father heard us and I didnt know about it until later. so me and my mom are very close, and lwk I can trust her with all my gossips about others, whether it’s my friends, cousins, aunts uncle etc etc. so later that night I told everything about my cousin’s drama that I wasn’t supposed to tell. mom did not do anything, she just laughed and judged with me. the real problem was my dad. more context: my older cousin was in a secret toxic relationship with a boy that I thought no one knew about. when my dad found about that he came for me to confirm it. now again, I also trusted dad with friends secret but not family ones but I thought what could possibly go wrong? oh boy, I was so wrong.
so I confirmed everything and after that he looked very agitated and frustrated. I was like why are you so frustrated? and he just looked at me and said, “because she’s like my second daughter! we have to tell her parents—“ and then that was the point where I knew I fucked up. I tried telling no begging him that please don’t tell this to anyone. did he listen? of fucking course not! he went on to tell this to his big sister who told the the aunt or the mom of the cousin in a secret relationship. how I got to know? well I got the direct message from her. she texted me on insta and asked me why I cooked up a story about her being in a fake toxic relationship with a guy. ofc I panicked and asked mom for advise on how to respond. initially I was going to apologise but I had to know what the fuck did my dad do that she got to know this. at that time I didn’t even think about my reputation being tarnished, the whole time I kept thinking about is that I had broken my cousin beaties’s trust forever. that was the guilt that was eating me up. my mom said to block the cousin and I did because I’m a type of person who can’t handle stressful situations and will avoid them even if it meant running away. so you may think I’m a coward and I agree. I am. I asked my dad what did he do and he soon revealed that he did in fact say something to his big sister and revealed the source. and he tried reassuring me that, it wasnt a secret technically because everyone in our family knew about. I admit that I was reassured but not much. the guilt was still eating me up every day. after a month it has been a bit better now. but not until I decided to go to Instagram, to see that my cousin bestie had blocked me. the guilt that was gone came back so fast that my heart physically started to ache. to some it might seem boring and think I’m probably sensitive about this issue and you’re right I am a sensitive person. I don’t like when I’m in a messy situation where I’m the issue. it make me hate myself even more than I already do.