I NEED SERIOUS HELP.
Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.
This is my second post, and I really need advice and support. Please tag any shaykhs or people of knowledge who may be able to help.
My husband and I fight almost every day. We live nine hours apart and, due to circumstances, we have never seen each other in person.
Since the day I met him, I have cried almost every day. I feel that he struggles to take accountability for his actions, and I find it very difficult to cope when a man raises his voice at me or speaks harshly during arguments.
Today, he called me, and I was quiet because I felt like we would end up fighting again. I used to be very bubbly and loved talking, but lately I don’t feel like myself anymore.
He told me he was very tired because of work and said, “I booked an appointment with a doctor.” I replied, “Maybe it’s not a doctor you need to see. Maybe your iman is low.”
He became upset and said, “Oh, because I sin?” I said, “Maybe, or maybe you need to change some things about yourself.” He continued speaking in a raised voice and said, “It’s like I’m committing zina.”
I replied, “Zina isn’t the only sin. Maybe it’s also about a person’s character.”
He then sarcastically said, “Wow, with all the khutbahs I’ve attended, no one has ever said this.” I felt judged and as though he was treating me like I was stupid.
I then said, “Your thinking is like that of the Khawarij.” He became even more upset and raised his voice. I started crying and crying. Eventually, I said, “I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore,” and ended the call.
Instead of calling me back right away, he called his mother. When he called me again, he continued speaking about the Khawarij. I told him, “If you had only asked me kindly…”
This is how I wish my husband would speak to me:
Me: “Your thinking is like the Khawarij.”
Him: “Oh… what do you mean by that, hayati? Do you know what that means?”
Me: “Let me explain why I said it.”
Him: “Okay, but please understand that I’m not like that, and I don’t appreciate being called that.”
Me: “You’re right. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”
Am I crazy for wanting this? If I say something wrong, I want my husband to correct me with kindness and teach me gently. I don’t want to be met with anger, harshness, or raised voices.
I have told him many times that I want to be corrected with rahmah (mercy) and gentle manners, but nothing seems to change.
Am I wrong for wanting kindness when I make mistakes?