I '19M' still have feelings for my ex '18F', and it's killing me
TL;DR: I (19M) dated my first serious girlfriend for about a year. Near the end, she became frustrated that I never opened up about my own feelings and felt like I didn't trust her enough to be vulnerable with her. A disagreement about a college housing situation and our communication issues led to a breakup last November. I saw her again at her graduation a few days ago, froze up when I saw her, and it brought back a lot of feelings and regrets. Part of me wants to congratulate her and apologize, but I'm worried I'd only be doing it for myself and reopening something she's already moved on from. Not sure if I should reach out or leave it alone.
So I (currently 19M, at the time, 17-18) dated my ex (currently 18F, at the time, 16-17) just under a year. We met in high school/trade school, became close friends, started dating, met each other's families (she has an amazing family), went on dates, church events, birthdays, holidays, and just spent a lot of time together overall. She was my first serious relationship, and I loved her deeply.
A couple months into the relationship, we did have a little hiccup. We kinda took a break. I was busy with the trade school, high school, and work, and she had been busy with high school, marching band, and her job as well, so we agreed that we had both been too busy to give the needed attention to each other, so we agreed once finals week was over. We still talked, facetimed, and texted, but it wasn't as frequent. Then I finally graduated. Her older sister was graduating with me, so her family was there. I can't put it into words how I felt in that moment. It was like the life I had was the one my childhood self would dream about. I had a drop dead gorgeous girlfriend who had an amazing family and adorable little siblings who were so sweet. literally the type of thing High School Musical makes you think life would be like.
Near the end of the relationship, it was time for me to start looking at housing for college. We looked for apartments because the university I wanted to go to has the most students each year, but apartments were either too far or too expensive. Then a female friend and her boyfriend were telling me they were going to the same university as me, but at a different campus, and offered to rent an apartment together for about 2 years until the boyfriend was relocated (Marines). My ex was uncomfortable with the idea of my first time moving out would be with another girl in an unpredictable environment like college, which I completely understood, but I will admit it was nice to at least have a backup plan in case I still couldn't find housing.
Around the same time, she became distant. Our calls were shorter, she took longer to answer messages, and when we did talk, she wouldn't say much. I chalked it up to her being busy with school, clubs, and work, like last time, now adding the roommate situation. Then I get the message no one wants to see. "We need to talk". She asked me if I felt this relationship was going anywhere and brought up other issues she'd been feeling for a while, especially my inability to communicate what I was feeling.
The biggest issue in our relationship was that I rarely opened up about my own feelings. I would listen to her problems, but I kept most of mine to myself. My thinking was that my problems were mine alone. If I was with someone, friends or a relationship, I would give them my undivided attention. I'm not going to be worried about ruining the mood because something would bother me. And it made it easier to ignore it or move past it, but she interpreted it like I didn't trust her or take her seriously enough to be vulnerable with her, that if I couldn't come to her about my feelings, how is she supposed to feel reassured when coming to me about hers?
We had a long conversation about everything, that she felt I couldn't think for myself, always looking for another opinion (I guess posting on here doesn't really help my case), that she refuses to put herself in a situation where she'll worry about what might happen, drunk or sober if I go through and get an apartment with my friend, and that I hadn't noticed when she was being distant neither of us had told the other we loved them. And eventually the relationship ended. She told me I needed to work on what was going on with me.
I'm fine knowing it was my fault, but for the first few weeks, I didn't feel much different, and that made me feel bad. How could someone who had been such a big part of my life not even leave me devastated when she wasn't there anymore? Then it hit me hard. I started skipping meals and seeing my friends less. I missed the calls, the texts, hearing about her day, and all the little routines we'd built together. Even now, months later, certain smells, places, or phrases are like a punch in the face of memories I had with her.
The breakup happened last November. Two days ago, I attended her graduation because some of my friends were graduating too. I knew there was a chance I'd see her, but I wasn't even remotely prepared for how it would feel. When I finally did see her, I completely froze. The best I could manage was an awkward smile and a small wave.
Since then, I haven't been able to stop thinking about her. Seeing her again brought back a lot of feelings, mainly regret over the things I should have done better. Part of me wants to message her to congratulate her on graduating or apologize for how things ended. Another part of me worries I'd only be doing it for myself and that I'd be reopening something she has already moved on from. I wish I could tell her that I still think of her, her hugs, her family and the kiddies, the late night uno over the phone, that she's still the first and last thing on my mind, that I haven't been able to delete her pictures, get rid of the matching keychain and bracelet, the pants and blanket she bought me, and our prom and movie tickets from our first date.
I don't really know what I'm looking for posting on here. Maybe it's just to vent, or some advice to push me in any direction. A part of me thinks I posted it here in hopes that either her or one of her friends sees this.