u/Due_Ad_7890

I've been thinking about hurting people But like really thinking, how, who, I've been thinking about my new friend group, they're really nice and cool and important we went through pretty emotional and cool stuffs friendships been hard on me

But I can't stop thinking if I hurted them emotionally I know I would end up alone at school since every of my friends are an extension of that group, everyone is kind of connected,

But I can't stop thinking it would be pretty nice too ending up alone so I don't really care

Before I used to fight, a lot of people liked annoying me so I would fight regularly even if sometimes I hated it emotionally, physically fighting is cool actually, now it's not the same I can't fight I can't tell people how much I liked fighting how much I missed it.

I'm stuck I think about running away all the time, I think about scaring my family so much they will finally get what it's like to be really afraid

There's this side of me, that is into violence and weird shit more than I usually am as I am already, I watch scary videos all the time feel like I'm in a different part of my brain I don't even make much sense when I'm in this mood, idk if y'all know him but it's like this japanese game dev "kanoguti"

y'all see how his games look like, it really be how I my brain look likes how I feel but it's just impossible to describe without images

it's making me feel a new sort of emotions I don't like, then I look back on it and think wtf was I on, or why was I even talking to people online in that state but it's just what I keep doing, even my art in these moods I would never post, I just keep fighting n arguing and being Incomprehensible.

but it just keep coming and leaving and its leaving a bad effect on my "day to day life me" everytime.

But people think it's ragebait or edgy so idk, I'm not a terrible person in my everyday life, I like fun, making people happy, metting people, do the most stupid stuff, I have a lot of ambitions too

But this kind of behavior and pain I can't keep to myself for too long, sometimes I think me being all happy and stuff is kind of pathetic like really cheesy, wtf am I doing,

so I want to fuck up everything to become who I really am but idk who's the real me between those three, I know it's me and myself but

Im tired of fighting w myself because my mood is different depending how I think everything around me is alr unstable I need myself to be reliable and stop thinking about coming back to my older behiavor or this newfound weird behiavor.

Ai