u/DullHousing

Vegetable platter because I don’t know what else to do.

I don’t know how to start a job over again

I am out of a job. Again. I usually last 1.5 years. This one was 3 months. I pick positions like nurse manager, assistant Director of nursing, Director of nursing, heck, I even tried occupational health nurse. It always ends the same; me in intensive therapy or hospitalized.

I have 3 small kids at home. I have a husband that makes 3x what I do and is stressed a lot. He has chronic headaches and can be short with the kids. This last run I was getting home at 6 and working every other weekend. Our kids are in 9 activities in total. More than one a day. I felt like this job would be a good fit. I tried to be organized. Taught all of the med classes. I had never received a negative review until 1.5 weeks ago. It was a major. I was accused of being argumentative (I haven’t and never would be) and that I became anxious in stressful situations. They were upset I changed a care plan to echo a need someone had of increased numbers to assist the resident up because we didn’t have the staff for a 2 person transfer. I added more frequency of toileting to help reduce frequency of her fungal infections in her groin. I did so without consulting her family. We had a woman who had wonky vitals, cough, decreased lung sounds, and increased weakness I ordered an x ray from her provider. I dealt with a woman who had two falls; one which resulted in sutures, but because of her ocd it was difficult to get her into a car. She fell the next day and I was a little frustrated. This fall resulted in broken ribs. I was the only nurse there. We transferred her via ambulance even though it was hard for her to be ok with her transfer with an ambulance. I was stressed.

I had just had my 100 day review and it was overwhelmingly positive. I have developed relationships with families. I did a good job, or so I thought. I was given a formal write up with ask if this information. I consulted with a lawyer because some of the allegations weren’t true. I was told that “I want part of the team”. Which was diametrically opposed to being told “I’m so glad you are part of the team and everything you do, you rock at..” I did almost all of the care conferences. I worked so hard to be friendly with everyone: staff, family, patients. I worked hard to be part of every staff meeting and positive. We have a patient’s family member su argumentative that he was put on a behavior plan. I’ve watched staff get so angry with him and I was never one of them. I talked to him in a way that was factual. My coworker told me to treat him like a mental patient.

After I received legal advice I was told to write a rebuttal and I said I wanted to do better. I fixed other people’s med errors without tattling because I didn’t want to get my colleagues in trouble. I asked to record the follow up conversation to see what I can do better. I was told not to. I asked for clarity of any families didn’t like working with me. My boss said she didn’t feel comfortable with that and told that I wouldn’t be micro managed. The day before my boss said things were going so well. At the meeting it was such a different feeling. Immediately after the meeting, they dug up an old order that wasn’t done correctly and I was immediately put on leave. It was obvious I was consulting a lawyer which caused an even bigger reaction from them. A bigger target on me.

I am broken. I had to work to work every other weekend without any other support. I hate myself right now. I tried my best and was having panic attacks 3-5 times a day. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and all I wanted was to right the ship. The other shoe did drop. I am a failure because again, I can’t hold down being a parent and spouse and job all at once. The last job was an hour away and I was handling going in to 3 different shifts to ensure I was following up correctly. If you can’t hold down a job, you aren’t useful to society. I feel guilty and useless. I want to take any job, but can’t because of my parameters. I’m scared to take jobs that go longer than needed, anything going past 3 or start before 8. I’m scared to take stressful jobs because I am not mentally equipped. I know my husband can’t handle it on his own or we need to pay obscene money on a nanny.

I want to not be here. I am incapable of not dwelling. I want to stop the ride and get off. My depression and anxiety is so bad that I am on 4-5 meds. I’ve been on 4 for the last 8 years. The last one was added a week ago. I have been through inpatient and partial hospitalization. I am useless and a constant burden to those around me. We just had a car conk out on us and I was rear ended and had the car totaled. I hate this feeling of emptiness.

The feeling that I’ve been told over and over again that I can’t do things because I’m too weak, too mentally incapable, too stupid, too disorganized, too lazy, too emotional has been drilled into me since I was really little. My family still is in contact with us And I can’t break the cycle.

Edited for spelling and additional details.