u/Dumbbulldoor_

My whole trip I had the worst anxiety, I fought it but damn it did it throw a few good punches and nearly knocked me out.

How do you feel after trips like that? Any similar experiences?

Start time: 10:40 AM
Intention: I went into this trip wanting to understand why I have so much anxiety around interviews and confidence. I’ve been struggling with feeling confident when I have to explain myself, my work, and my value. I wanted to understand why being evaluated makes me feel so afraid.

Come up:

The come up was rough. Around 30 minutes in, I started feeling a lot of anxiety. It wasn’t just normal nervousness. It felt like this external fear of myself, like I was scared to face myself. I kept feeling like there was something inside me I didn’t want to look at.

The anxiety felt connected to shame. Like I had done so much bad in my past, or like I had been a coward, or like if I looked too closely at myself I would find something I couldn’t handle. It felt like I was running from myself.

At one point I wrote:

“I’ll be someone’s home”

“I am someone’s home”

“I am my home”

“I’m done being bad to myself”

“I will gain victory”

“I don’t need nobody to save me”

“Why am I running from myself”

“I’m crying out for help”

That became the emotional center of the trip. I realized I keep looking outside myself for safety, approval, rescue, validation, or proof that I’m okay. But the message that kept coming through was that I am my own home. I have to stop abandoning myself.

Peak:

The peak was intense. Everything started moving. The floor, the ceiling, the room, it all felt alive. The ceiling looked like it was writing hieroglyphics or some ancient Roman story across itself. At first it looked like symbols or history, but then I realized it was my story. It felt like the room was showing me my own life written into the walls.

The words on my laptop and phone would not stop moving. They kept shifting and breathing. The window outside looked like a Van Gogh painting. Everything had this painted, alive, emotional quality to it.

But emotionally, I was still anxious. It felt like I was afraid of myself. Like I didn’t want to face the parts of me I judged. I kept feeling this fear that maybe I had been bad, or weak, or a coward. I didn’t want to see myself clearly because I was afraid of what I would find.

Then something shifted.

I realized I am strong. I am a survivor. I have survived everything I thought would break me. I kept coming back to this feeling that I will survive this too. Not in a cheesy motivational way, but in a very real way. Like my body knew it before my mind did.

I did a chakra meditation during the trip, and honestly, it brought up even more anxiety at first. It felt like my body was holding so much fear. But instead of fighting it, I chose to radically accept it. I just kept telling myself: this is here, this is part of me, I don’t have to run from it anymore.

I radically accepted that shit.

Main realization:

The biggest realization was that my interview anxiety is not just about interviews. It is about being seen. It is about being judged. It is about the fear that if someone looks too closely, they will find the parts of me I already judge in myself.

I realized I have been cruel to myself before anyone else even gets the chance. Before an interviewer can reject me, I reject myself. Before someone can question my path, I attack my own path. Before someone can doubt me, I doubt myself first.

The trip showed me that I don’t need to be saved, but I do need to stop being so bad to myself. I need to stop treating myself like I am something to escape from.

Come down:

By the come down, the anxiety was still there in waves, but it felt less like danger and more like something leaving my body. I felt tired, raw, and emotional, but also clearer.

The phrase that stayed with me was:

“I am my home.”

That felt like the whole trip in one sentence.

Integration:

I think the lesson is that confidence is not about becoming fearless. Confidence is being able to stay with myself even when I feel fear.

For interviews, I don’t think the answer is to perform harder or sound perfect. I think the answer is to stop treating every interview like a final judgment of my worth. It is just a conversation. They ask questions. I give evidence. They assess fit. I assess fit too.

I don’t need to prove my entire life in one answer. I just need to communicate clearly.

Final takeaway:

I am not waiting to become worthy.

I am learning to stop leaving myself.

I am my home, and I’m done being cruel to the place I live.

Any nice words that will help me now

I hate the coming up anxiety