My history with sleep hygeine and healthy routines is rife with mistakes and hard-learned lessons. In years past, I struggled a lot with insomnia and went though periods of only being able to sleep with prescription medications. These days, I rely on cannabis and a trusted routine to help me get to sleep and (mostly) stay asleep through the night. 

Now, I know some people will read “cannabis” and dismiss what I'm about to say, and that's your perogative. These THC tablets have been my trusted sleep aid for 3 years now, and I've never experienced anything like what I'm about to share. I never smoke flower, and I try not to mix my night time dose with anything more than my magnesium chew and *maybe* whatever wine I had during and after dinner. Last night all I had was THC and magnesium.

And for whatever reason, I *struggled* to achieve sleep. I slid into bed around midnight (my usual), then tossed and turned for a few hours. I checked the time at 2:37 am, then rolled over again to try a new position. I would give it a little longer, then give up and go downstairs to put something on TV if I didn’’t find success.

Something poked me in the eye. It felt like someone’s finger but not mine, as my hands were under the blanket. It didn’t feel like a twitch of muscle, but a full convulsive contraction in response to something stabbing at my closed lid. Quick but firm

I rubbed my eye and glanced around the room to see nothing unusual. CHalked it up to tired muscles trying to relax, rolled over to try another position. 2:42 am. 

Something poked my *other eye.* I sat up and searched my room. I didn’t want to turn on a light and risk fucking up my brain’s sleep mode, but I still didn’t notice anything out of the ordnary. I eased back under the blanket and tried a new position. Another hour of this and I would stop trying, I told myself.

You know that feeling when you’re lying in bed and someone bumps your mattress? A dog throws their body against it for a back rub, or a partner bumps it with their knees as they lean over for a kiss... THe mattress jerked just like that and my body jolted. I flipped onto my back to look behind me, thinking one of my teenage boys had slipped into the room without knocking. There was noone there.

*You’re tired, Dusty.* I told myself. *You’re high and you’re stressed and you’re tired. There is nothing there. Just GO TO SLEEP.*

Several minutes later, as I started to ease out of my panic and back into cozy comfort, the bed jerked *again.*

Friends, this was not the body-jolting jerk of waking up from a dream about falling. THis was not a full-body spasm. I have experienced that sensation, and this was not that. My body was lurching because the mattress moved beneath me.

Still, I stretched out beneath the blanket and wiggled my whole body, trying to reassure myself this was just my aching muscles trying to find rest. There was no one in the room with me.

But I lay wide awake at that point, eyes practically frozen open, waiting to feel something. *What could this* *be*? I rationalized and explored the logical possibilities while my eyes scanned the visible room in the dim light from a single window. 

Behind a decorative throw pillow, just out of arm’s reach on my king size mattress, a black shadow sprang up and paused. About the size of a house cat (which I don’t have) and slightly fuzzy around the edges, this dark figure just… waited? I rubbed my eyes again, but it was so dark in the room I couldn’t see any identifiable features on the form.

I was frozen in fear for a moment, deliberating what to do. I watched as the small figure shifted slightly, left then right, but remained behind the pillow, which was just beyond the reach of my fingertips as I slowly stretched out my arm. Holding my breath for just a moment, I quickly rolled closer, *snatched* the pillow away, and rolled back to find….

Nothing. THere was nothing there. *You’re cracking up. You need sleep. This is your mind going haywire because it won’t power down.*

As I lay there talking myself down from near-panic, the shadow peaked up from the far side of my bed, beyond a qucik reach of my free arm. I just stared, wide-eyed in the blackness, willing my eyes to catch just a little more light. Just discern *something* about this small form. 

When it sprang up to the mattress, I felt the jolt. I felt the blanket tug beneath my hand. The thing was perched on the edge of my bed.

“Alexa, turn on bedroom.” I said aloud, my voice quaking. Both lamps in my bedroom illumnated with bright white light.

There was nothing on the bed before me. Trying not to shift or move too quickly, I turned my head and shoulders to take in the full view of my bedroom. Nothing seemed out of place. 

Except there, on the edge of the bed, in the microfiber surface of my weighted blanket, were two small impressions, and a cratered indentation around them, as with the weight of an objcet or small animal. 

I checked the time on my phone again. 3:07 am. For a few minutes, I just lay there listening to my heart thrum wildly through the pressure in my ears. I waited for my breath to slow and steady itself again. I took a photo of the imprint on my blanket. I dimmed the bedroom light to a single, half-power lamp, laid my head on my pillow, and fell instantly asleep. 

When I woke up to my alarm at 6:30, this was still in my photo roll: https://imgur.com/a/nuceeaC

(Please tell me if it's not okay to share the photo link. I'll happily remove if necessary! )

Hello lovely Potatoes! This matter is now concluded, but I left one final edit at the bottom of my post just to close things out. Thanks so much for the support 🥰...

Initial post:

I'm SO desperate to figure this out and I've admired this community of badasses for a while, so maybe someone here can help me. Please tell me if this is too long.

Backstory: "Melissa" (46F [fake name]) and I (40F) met nearly 17 years ago in a vocational training program. Husband and I had already been married for about 3 years at that point, but Melissa was single (still is), independent, and spunky. At 23 years old, I was insecure and naive, but Melissa was bold and outspoken. I admired her instantly, and we were fast friends.

Husband and I have moved around over the years due to employment changes and job opportunities. I had two sons not long after Melissa and I met, but we kept a long-distance friendship for a lot of years. We had a blow-out fight at one point, before my second son was born, and didn’t speak to each other for nearly two years. We reconciled after I reach out to her in a difficult period of my PPD. 

THree years ago, Melissa moved halfway across the country and now lives about 6 hours from me. At first, this was an exciting development, because my kids were pre-teens and I could make frequent trips out to visit Melissa in he new place without dragging the boys along. But I’ve recently begun to notice a disturbing pattern to our friendship.

I’ve supported her to my best ability. For the first year after she moved closer, I drove out monthly or bi-monthly to help her unpack and settle into the new house, often doing handyman-type jobs around her house that she couldn’t manage due to back pain. Melissa has a great deal of health issues at this point, and atlhough I‘ve battled my own (breast cancer scare, reproductive conditions, neurological procedures, etc), Melissa has never concerned herself with my health.

Last year I drifted a bit from our regular contact, partly due to a new job that was consuming my energy and attention, but also because Melissa grew tired of hearing about my work stress (she told me this recently). I left the job at the end of last year and have been tryin gto repair my own mental health as well as many friendships/relationships I drifted from during my stint as a workaholic.

Melissa is what I would call an over-sharer on social media but knows I don’t really log on or use the apps anymore. She’s taken to texting me everything she posts to her accounts: photos, videos, memes, shower thoughts… multiple times a day. Nearly every day. She hasn’t asked about my life, or my kids, or asked follow-up questions when I try to share my personal developments. Recently we had a massive argument because I wasn’t responding or reacting to everything shw was sending me and said she felt she was “wasting time” on me. I tried to do better, but realized she was policing our text chain, watching for my read receipt and getting angry when I didn’t at least “like” her photos and videos.

I now realize this friendship is painfully one-sided. Similar realizations have come to me over the many years of our friendship, but every time I try to address my needs and boundaries, it becomes an ugly argument. Melissa lashes out, hyper-analyzes everry word I use, and berates me for seemingly small issues (like wanting to stay in a hotel when I come visit because I didn’t want to sleep in the spare room with her cat’s automated litter box). I’ve always end up apologizing but cannot recall a time when Melissa has apologized for anything.

Two weeks ago, I told Melissa I was going “offline” for a bit to deal with some personal issues and take some time for myself. I told her I wouldn’t be available to talk for a bit. Her response was “do you still want me to send you stuff?” (meaning her social media content and health updates), and she told me if I couldn’t respond right away, she would understand. There was no “anything I can do to help?” or “do you want to talk about what’s weighing on you?” Nothing. Just “what about me?”, which is pretty standard tbh.

The break has been a huge relief. I don’t feel pressure to be “switched on” for Melissa at any given moment. I haven’t had my usual anxiety about swiping away notifications from her until I can be in a better frame of mind to give her my full attention and think of the best supportive response to each message she sends. I’ve been working on growing the small business I started this year, which Melissa has never shown interest in or asked about. I’ve given more attention to a new friendship with a former coworker, which has been the healthiest and most balanced relationship I’ve had with any friend. 

I don’t think I want this friendship with Melissa anymore. It drains me, leaves me feeling lonely and unimportant. For everything I’ve given, this relationship has returned almost nothing.

My husband wants me to cut her off. Anther close friend thinks I should just block her and move on. But I feel like 17 years is too long to just go radio silent without any explanation or offer of closuere. However… I’m a chicken shit. I’m very anxious about telling Melissa how I feel and what I’ve decided. I don't know why.

I’ve considered her potential reactions and how I might address them (yay, therapy!), but I’m fairly confident her response will be anger and lashing out. Denying all my concerns and defending her behaviors. Reminding me of all the ways I’ve been a bad friend. Cussing me out and suggesting I’m mentally unwell. She might just take in everything I say and immediately block me without response. I suppose I’m fine with however she responds, because ultimatley I hope it's the last conversation I have with her. 

I just don’t know how to say it. I don’t know how to break up with a friend, but being friends for 17 years doesnt feel like reason engouh to stay in it. I've been desperately searching myself for the right combination of words that will lay out the facts and histroy of events as they are, without any emotion she can latch onto and refute. The fact that I feel fear over talking to someone I call a “friend” about the way she treats me is so telling. I'm partly afraid she will drag this out and make it torture for me for months to come.

Does anyone have experience breaking up with a friend as an adult? Is there any advice that might help me navigate this? I’m grateful for feedback of any kind.

tl;dr:: My BFF of 17 years only cares about herself and it's sucking the life out of me. How do I end it?

EDIT:

I cannot properly express my gratitude to every single person who responded to my dilemma. I didn't know what to expect when I put this out into the ether, but what I received yesterday was a flood of encouragement, thought-provoking perspectives, and straight-up mind-altering REAL TALK. I want to say thanks to all of you for your thoughts, suggestions, and differing opinions. 

Ultimately, I came to three conclusions:

1. I owe Melissa nothing after years of pouring all my love and loyalty into her. 

2. No "discussion" was going to change her habits and behaviors, nor would it change my mind about my decision to part ways, so opening any channel to give her room to respond is unnecessary.

3. Saying my piece and blocking her is best for my state of mind and emotional stability.

 

I started today by going through apps, friend connections, and contact databases to cut off all avenues of communication "Melissa" might think to use. I even remembered to block her on Alexa.

Below is the message I've composed to send, and I intend to sleep on it before sending it off. Thank you for all your assistance in sorting through my thoughts and feelings. I feel so much better about this step knowing so many have been through it and been better for the choice to go no-contact.

Thanks for giving me the space to think and process some difficult emotions. I’m gonna try my best to explain, but I can’t offer anything more than that.

Over the past several years, I gradually closed myself off and stopped sharing my life with you, and I’ve only just realized how guarded I’ve become. Going back through recent history, I realize this has caused massive breakdowns in communication between us, as well as repetitive conflict. I think I used to be better at telling you when something didn’t work for me or when I disagreed with your expectations or opinions. I can’t recall the last time I disagreed with you and wasn’t met with backlash, anger, or contempt. I’ve stopped trying to assert my own needs until (like we saw recently) something pushes me over the edge and it all comes out at once.

It’s okay for two people to grow apart in 17 years and decide they’re not compatible as friends anymore. It’s okay that we don’t see eye to eye on what friendship should look like. It’s okay to realize this isn’t what it used to be and decide to move on. What I’m not okay with anymore is fighting over everything you disagree with and having to bite my tongue about my own opinions. Lately, my casual words and actions have been picked apart and scrutinized, my mental and physical health struggles have been overridden by your own, and any thought or need not aligned with you or your standards has triggered a hateful and hurtful response from you.

At this point, I’m making the choice to end this friendship and walk away. I know you have a lot to say and expect you’ll want to point out my faults and mistakes until I’m the one apologizing again, so I think it’s best we not try to talk it out this time. I know I’m flawed and need to continue working on my issues. I’m clearly not the friend you need anymore, and frankly you hardly know me well enough to say whether that’s true or false. I'm not welcomed to be myself with you, and I’m wrecked from hiding important pieces of myself to meet your demands (spoken or unspoken).

I won’t hold any anger or resentment toward you. I just know I have to say goodbye. I wish you nothing but the best.

EDIT #2:

I sent my message and blocked Melissa late last night. I waited until the start of the weekend so she wouldn't have this bomb dropped at the start of a work day or in the middle of a meeting. I felt like it was the least I could do.

So... thanks for your input. Most of you truly seemed to understand the hole a friendship like this leaves in a person's life, while a few commenters don't seem to have any experience with caring for another human that isn't themselves. 🤷‍♀️ At any rate, I enjoyed these conversations and found them immensely helpful to my processing. I'm quite content with the way I ended it, and that is greatly thanks to many of you.

And that's the end of this. 😚 all the best to you, Besties!