u/Dusty_Rose23

So I saw my psych a few days ago while in a manic (hypomanic?) episode having lasted 5 days already it lasted about 2-3 days afterwards. At that point there was speculation of bipolar or schizoaffective. Mainly bipolar. But it was by psychs that saw me like 3x max or assessed me during crisis or inpatient. A lot of psychs assessing during crisis after an admission for physical effects of self harm thought I was lying because even though I felt mixed at the time I didn’t present the way I said I did both mood and psychosis wise. Reality was that it was barely there by the time the came to talk to me.

So yeah. There had been a couple times they suspected bipolar. And my last IOP the decided it was likely. Bp1 to be exact due to my reaction to lithium and my mood cycle patterns. But I didn’t get the diagnosis and everyone ignored what notes there were, acting like I made it up despite them saying it directly and saying they would put the screener on my file.

So it got left behind.

Anyways. Back to being manic last Friday.
I checked the notes for the after visit summary and Instead of the usual BPD standing by itself. Bipolar was there as well. So now I’ve had my personal outpatient psych acknowledge it as well.

So diagnosis confirmed.

Mixed feelings but I really was out of it.

So I’m bipolar. I knew that. But it’s nice to hopefully not be called a potential munchausens patient because
My behaviour didn’t match my words in the 15 minutes they saw me in a controlled hospital environment.

Hopefully that doesn’t happen again. But there’s ASPD on my file despite it going against the DSM due to my other dx and my behavior doesn’t even match. Again. 5 minute talk because I’m so used to suicide and I have blank facial expressions apparently that qualifies. But that’s a different can of worms.

But yeah. So them believing me between the above and BPD and them suspecting munchausens because they’re an ass— the don’t believe me.

So hopefully that stops.

I’m already on meds although the might need a tiny bit more fine tuning.

Maybe I can get some actual help beyond dbt shoved in my face that fits what’s going on.

Still feeling weird. Sorry about the rant I had to say this and (kinda) celebrate having answers and people listening to others and not assuming for once.

I don’t want bipolar. I hate it. But it’s nice to have a psych that actually listens to me.

My memory is terrible. I already have ADHD and add absence seizures and the occasional tonic clinic and I can’t remember half of my life or what anyone says or does. I can’t drive because I have a seizure like once every month or three. I need to be without for a year. I feel alone because people have only seen a tonic clinic once actually happen. The rest were the sleepy aftermath (thought I was falling because I was conscious and my EEG 3 days later was clean) or absence seizures where I kinda just stop and turn into a dissociated foggy blob of a human.

I hate that every time I have Déjà vu I have to worry I might have a seizure. I never know what kind it will be.

I get all dissociated, and foggy, and sleepy, and feel like my nerves are buzzing to the nines in my head. I get headaches. My memory goes blank like a camera shutter flipping scenes.

It’s confusing and awful.

I hate it.

I’m always worrying whether something will happen or not. Flashing lights and such have a slight risk.

Idk I just hate it. I want it gone.

So I got sick on Friday and am hacking lungs full of mucus more and more over time to the point of having bad headaches and sore throats over it. I also can’t breathe well. It started with achy muscles and a slight fever and really fatigued and less appetite and those have gotten better. I’m still a bit tired and my appetite isn’t back but my lungs had gotten worse so I went to the dr today. WE GOT 3 MEDS.

I got prednisone, some antibiotics, nasal spray and I’m still supposed to use my Ventolin inhaler as needed.
I need to live like this for the next 5 days.

I really hope this helps because I feel like shit and I have things I really want and need to do—

Anyways… the point of this was just to rant and any tips or stories on asthma and being sick. I hate life and my lungs right now.

So I’ve been diagnosed with severe BPD since I was 14. I’ve done a major DBT program for youth for 5 years continuously from 14-19 years old. It’s helped a bit but not a lot and when I say it hasn’t been helpful people just try to get me to do more of it or say I’m not trying or else it would help. Is there any way to make it stick more? I found the manual for those with learning issues that they often use in forensics helps phrase it better and stick more but I’m lost. I frequently attempt suicide and am very lucky my body isn’t damaged with how severe some of them were. My longest without an attempt was 5 months since I was 14 so for 8 years and that’s only been in the last year-year and a half.

Also are there any other therapy modalities you know of that can be helpful. I mainly struggle with the emotional regulation , crisis management, and mindfulness bits although I sometimes struggle with interpersonal stuff but it’s more making friends stuff and likely related to my autism. I also deal with trauma, psychosis, and mood episodes that go outside BPD but currently don’t have a diagnosis attached. Art and animal therapy was very helpful and helped me feel seen and heard and comfortable to be honest. Most DBT therapist were very direct and acted like I wasn’t thing and I was being manipulative and such when I wasn’t. I’m not sure what to do because I want to get better. I want this to stop. I want to enjoy life and be happy and feel ok and be as normal and regulated as possible. But it won’t stick. It doesn’t make sense to me. I’m looking into social rhythm therapy that they use for bipolar, CBT, and narrative therapy although that last one is hard to do alone and I can’t find a therapist right now. Maybe ACT. I’ve tried so hard and I’m so frustrated because while I’ve improved over time my BPD is still severe and I still feel so stuck.

Does anyone have any ideas or recommendations or persona stories that would be helpful. Please, I don’t know what to do.