I'm confused
Hi everyone. I'm new here and going through a phase of questioning my gender identity. I decided to write this post to organize my thoughts and see if anyone else relates to what I’m feeling.
I was assigned male at birth, but my whole life I’ve felt very distant from the world of men. I hate being grouped together with boys, the vast majority of my friends are girls, and I’m a much more emotional person than society expects a boy to be. Physically, I’m short for my age and skinny—honestly, those are the only characteristics I like about my body because I associate them with something more feminine. Other than that, I deeply hate having body hair, a beard, and a mustache, and having to shave systematically leaves me exhausted.
Recently, things started to change. I have a fantastic girlfriend (she is bisexual and I identify as pansexual) and I feel incredibly good when she uses feminine pronouns for me. She also lent me some of her pajama shorts and I love wearing them around the house. However, I feel like this is still a very close secret between us. If someone else on the street addressed me with feminine pronouns right now, I would take it as an attack. I don’t have the courage to go out in public wearing feminine clothes. Also, even though I love how comfortable her clothes are, when I look in the mirror I feel like they don't fit me well because my body is still male, which leaves me a bit frustrated.
The thing that confuses me the most is that I don’t feel a constant "hatred" or violent distress toward my biological body. It’s more of a "meh" feeling... complete apathy. The only time I felt really good in male clothes was during a piano audition (I play piano) where I wore all-black formal clothing, but I think it was more about being elegant than being "manly." Other than that, in daily life, it’s just indifference. But when my girlfriend treats me as a female, I feel real joy and comfort (I think it's called gender euphoria).
I’ve been researching the MTF journey and Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). The idea of having softer skin and more feminine features appeals to me immensely. I don't know if I want to have genital surgeries, and the fact that my girlfriend is bi and I am pan makes me feel very comfortable about our future. I was also relieved to learn that HRT doesn’t cause a biological menstrual period, even though it requires medical care for life.
I would really like to know: Did anyone here start their transition coming from this "meh" and apathetic feeling, instead of a deep hatred for their body?
P.S. Sorry if my English isn't perfect, Im Portuguese