Hello everyone,
I’m (M33) feeling really down at the moment and can’t stop beating myself up. I keep wondering whether I even deserve a second chance. I’ve been engaged to my partner (F31) for about four months now.
About a year ago, I betrayed my partner with a woman I met at a club.
I acted impulsively, even though I had promised myself I wouldn’t do something like that again. I had been proud of proving to myself for four years that I had learned from my past. (Something similar had happened in a previous relationship. Back then I ended the relationship, it wasn’t going well anyway, but my behavior stayed with me for years.)
I cried for a week, hated myself, and then decided to come clean so she would know who she’s with. I accepted all consequences.
After the incident, we talked a lot. I was also open with her about my past and about my sexual attraction to other women. There were tears and painful phases. She told me she loves me and had actually thought something was wrong with my health because I had been acting strangely for a week. She said if I hadn’t told her, she would have left immediately but she loves me despite my mistake and hopes it won’t happen again.
Our relationship is harmonious. Even after what happened, we’re like two kids who can be silly together.
The reason wasn’t dissatisfaction it was my search for a thrill.
In special moments, when we experienced something beautiful together, I sincerely thanked her from the bottom of my heart and told her I’m grateful she chose us. She said she would have been stupid not to.
Now you’re probably wondering what my problem is. For a long time, the incident wasn’t constantly on my mind. I often felt shame and regret, but I had made peace with it because I accepted that I am the way I am, and I’m grateful for the second chance. I’ve been careful to avoid situations like that, and it has worked well. I show my girlfriend affection not out of guilt, but because I truly care about her and feel grateful.
But my inner critic tells me that someone like me doesn’t deserve a second chance. I read judgmental comments online and start questioning whether I’m actually a good person. At the same time, she shows me in everyday life that she still loves me.
What triggered these thoughts again is that we’re talking about having children. A voice inside me says that someone like me shouldn’t have children with a woman who forgave something like that… and i think why she has decited to stay or she thinks im ugly.