u/East_Midnight2812

The title basically. My local gym which is government owned so gym passes are paid for with credits, so the one near me is closed for a while so now I only have a resistance band that ive been using for a week.

Ive been chronically unemployed which means watching my non existent wallet and not being able to afford another gym membership. I've looked high and low to no avail.

I also admit i haven't been watching my spending in the past and have definitely been guilty of lifestyle inflation when I got my paycheck. Its a low spoons day today so no questions on this topic please.

Edit: I've been terrible at keeping to a workout routine. I save videos but nothing sticks lol so this feels like a win.

Does anyone else plan a rabbithole in advance?

I have a fleeting interests that eb and flow. Quite the contrary to the hyper interest stereotype.

I just saved a tik tok on different types of cheeses, especially those less commercially accessible. I have no mental CPU right now, hence the save 😆

I have a fleeting interests that eb and flow. Quite the contrary to the hyper interest stereotype.

I just saved a tik tok on different types of cheeses, especially those less commercially accessible. I have no mental CPU right now, hence the save 😆

I’m trying to unpack this chain of events from my adolescence, so I’m hoping for some grace here.

I found out through gossip that a boy liked me in 6th grade and the sneering tone other kids used when talking about him. I tried to look past the fact that I wasn’t physically attracted to him because I didn’t want to be cruel or superficial. His interest in me became a source of gossip and quiet mockery from classmates. We once got paired together during one of those forced “get to know each other” activities and I still remember hearing people snicker under their breath. I was already struggling socially and being bullied at the time. It felt humiliating in a way I didn’t yet have the language for. It kick started this low-grade anger and shame that had nowhere to go. We both avoided each other admist all this.

A year later, a childhood friend who moved to the same secondary school told her mother that our friend group was collectively disliked. Her mother told mine who brought it up during a family holiday. I felt resentful that a painful topic had suddenly became something I had to explain from scratch. My friend was more articulate than I was, while I internalized everything quietly. I couldn’t understand what we had done to warrant that kind of social rejection.

Later in high school, I met a guy from a rival school on Tumblr back in the early 2010s, when online spaces were almost a precursor to dating apps. At the time, he was on the chubbier side, though I still perceived him as slightly higher up socially than me. Over time, he became fitter and more girls begin gravitating toward him. I found myself bending over backwards to appease him as things progressed.

What complicated things further was seeing him and his social circle associate with a socially dominant “mean girl” archetype from my school. She was also among the people snickering at the 6th grade situation years earlier amongst other jabs she and her little crew took at me.

My estranged father is also on the spectrum; he's was and is emotionally absent. I didn’t grow up with emotionally safe male role models. I’ve experienced mutual attraction before, but often felt psychologically loaded. Attractive men naturally have more options and attention around them, and over time became even more aware of competition, desirability, and social hierarchy in ways that made genuine connection harder.

I’m not actively looking to date now. I genuinely enjoy my own company, though part of me also wonders whether that's feels safer than exposing parts of myself I'm sensitive of.

Looking back, I think those early experiences shaped my relationship with attraction, dignity, and social safety more than I realized. I became hyperaware of appearance, desirability, and social positioning because those seemed to be the unspoken rules everyone else instinctively understood to avoid becoming a source of ridicule. I guess I’m wondering if anyone else found themselves in a similar boat.

I'll start

1. Home gardening stuff and a small set up which I never sustained 😤

2. A couple of selfie tripods, budget mics when I attempted to do content creation

3. Some heatless curlers and hair mousse

I'll start

1. Home gardening stuff and a small set up which I never sustained 😤

2. A couple of selfie tripods, budget mics when I attempted to do content creation

3. Some heatless curlers and hair mousse