u/East_Tie_1652

to inform me that his cousin was dying. no other further comments. it seems like a breadcrumb tactic. it's possible he's gained some perspective, many times i've taken the bait, accepting crumbs and presuming it would be a doorway to development, and never was. i haven't responded. there's no right choice with him, in my experience. he's not claiming to have perspective. he's very minimal and stonewalling with his interactions, he'd rather make the other person agitated, so he can justify to himself that he's right, because they're angry

our views are likely unpopular and agitating. society endorses the parent and family viewpoint by default. at best, moral equivalence is in effect: "everyone is at fault". what's not commonly acknowledged is that the parents had all the control at the weakest and most vulnerable time of the children. the children have had no power. even a significant number of survivors, i would guess, have the societal belief ingrained in them, that they are the issue, and so are useful to perpetrators in upholding and defending the status quo at their own expense.

and i never say the victim, in some manner, is not part of the problem, for the sake of inviting the abuser to be part of the solution. but, it doesn't work. particularly if you're being scapegoated; any acknowledgment of your part in a problem, will result in the abusers using that as proof of their innocence, and your guilt as being the problem in any issue there is.

it's not really in dispute, that this is the set up in society. although i'd say victims and survivors have more of a voice today than ever, but it's still a ways away from parity. that wouldn't take place until a time when an abuser comes clean. and that's the exception, not the rule, even now, as i see it. parents get away with it, and hide behind society's endorsement of their experience.

forums like this, social media, and people who share the survivor experience, psychology delving into this, these are critical developments in giving support and power to victims, in a society that is characterized by victim-blaming

this was progressive. it started with my mother assaulting me at christmas 2022. i was visiting for the holidays from out of state: no one stopped it. my older sister and her partner were there, no intervention. my father just went upstairs. my younger sister lives elsewhere, played stupid ("i heard nothing about it", this is a defensive ignorance tactic my family uses. it seems concerned, but it's not, it's literally a neutral statement of ignorance designed to fill an empty)

that summer my dad raged on me while driving. it brought me back to all the screaming he did to me growing up, probably shattering important parts of my emotional development.

the next xmas, i tried to stay with my younger sister and her family for that xmas, and try to keep at a distance with my parents. near the end of my stay my dad reveals we have a half sister he lied about for years. he only disclosed because she was contacting him. and it turns out both my sisters knew, but rather than empathize with my pov, they downplayed this, as my dad downplayed us having a half-sister (who is confused as to his reactions). he stonewalled me when i asked for her contact information, i think he assumed he'd be able to manipulate us enough to not ask further questions. my two sisters joined him in stonewalling me. they had no real contact with me before, besides when i would reach out to them, that fell even further. no response to my birthday cards to them or my younger sister's children, for two years and counting. but then my younger sister is indignant when i don't show gratitude for her oblivous, obligatory text to me on my birthday. this has been a bad family and i'm still impacted by them on a daily basis. meanwhile they seem to be getting along fine, they have their scapegoat to point at as the root of all their problems.

i'm sorry for all the times i took my anger out on you, shattering your nerves. i have no justification now. i'm interested in who you are as a person and what you do in life, what you dream of, how others view you, how you view yourself. your thoughts. i'm sorry i eschewed your attempts to connect with me over and over. even when you tried to show interest in, and adopt my interests, and i shunned you.

i never should have screamed at you at the top of my lungs like i did so many times, how i talked and shouted over you, when you even just tried to get a word in edgewise. i know now i did that out of my own insecurities and you never deserved it. i wasted the opportunity to know my own child, being stuck in my own selfish comforts at the expense of others, especially you. it was me who wasted the time and chances, not you. even though i was always quick to point the finger at you, and use you to projection my own issues on to.

i'm sorry i never really called you over the decades, and that i relied too much on my own feeling and imagination of connection, and not making it real or meaningful. i should have shared more about myself, my hopes and fears, my concerns, vulnerabilities, to help ease the struggle of life for you, rather than increase it as i did.

not others, who say 'they are trying to be your parent'. not abusers. or a negligent avoidant. people who care try, don't default to rigidity, work to become open to your concerns, thoughts and feelings. not stay in a crouch defensive ignorance.

they haven't initiated contact for years, except emotional dump attempts on my birthday, or the periodic random "i need help, it's important" (these were usually manipulation schemes based on my mom's anxiety in the past). no one has even said "how are you" or "hope everything's well", because they don't care imo. and any insight on that by me, brings defensiveness and how i'm making everything about myself and i need to move on. not really considering responding here, but wanted to share the experience and get people's thoughts and feelings