u/EasternTelevision454

I’ve recently been getting closer to one of the seniors in my school (I’m a junior) and I’ve grown to like her romantically and well I really don’t know how to go about flirting and maybe asking her out. She’s about to graduate and I want to shoot my shot before we part ways, she’s really cute and bi, so I don’t think me not passing as a man would bother her too much. Also she’s having a small graduation party so I’m not sure if that’s like a good chance of maybe getting the ball rolling I guess?? I’ve been noticing more physical contact with me and her seeming more open with me but I’m not sure if it’s just because she likes me as a friend or as maybe something more.

I HATE dresses, never liked them and I don’t think I ever will. I’m ftm but I don’t pass and at my school as juniors were forced to go to graduation for the passing of the candles or whatever and we have a strict dress code. ( as in women wear dresses and guys wear suits) My mom and grandma(mostly my grandma) won’t stop bringing it up, it’s as if they want to force it which yea they are but still, I know their trying to be helpful I guess? But it’s still stupid they don’t know I’m trans but I feel that by now they should know my resentment towards them, it almost feels like they don’t even know me, like seriously why are you going on Pinterest for inspo and suggesting colors?? I just don’t like them and the closest I get to maybe liking one is if it’s idk cool I guess?

My mom this morning was telling me about a dream she had, and it had to do with me and her watching over my brother at a festival when suddenly all the kids that were there disappeared. She told me that parents were going crazy trying to find their kids and described the sky as dark with no light. It was a dream about the rapture and we had both stayed. This has been bugging me for a little today and I’ve tried to research it to see if dreams can even be warnings or if it’s just her being stressed out but she insisted it was a warning and how she didn’t feel ready to go to heaven. I’m saved and so is she but I feel like I’m not ready either, the rapture has always been a fear I have and I’m not going to lie I feel like I need to get back on my path with Christ but I feel ashamed to say that I just don’t want to let go some things. I know it’s our sinful nature to want to keep the bad things in our lives but it’s something that’s been keeping me together when I feel alone. I’m too scared to tell someone about this dream since I feel like I can’t tell them the whole story.

I feel like admitting to this is kinda cringe but I’m scared of loosing myself, or at least who I am right now. My family is very anti anything different, though they’re sometimes forgiving it doesn’t change the fact I can’t be who I am( it doesn’t help that I’m more goth leaning).I’ve started to grow as a person but I’m also seeing how I’m slowly loosing myself in the want of pleasing my mother. I want to explore who I am and I want to see what the world has to offer but she not only wants me to stay where I live but to possibly live with her longer and if possible I’d rather not. Living with her right now can be draining I can’t imagine me as a young adult wanting to not just transition but to change my style fully while also wanting to date people and having to share a house with her. I think I’ve made it clear I want to move for college but the idea of changing myself fully while being far away without telling anyone also sounds messy. I’m very sensitive especially with my family and those I love I want to be who I am but I know I’ll only feel worse about myself.
I know if I stay I won’t be me I’ll be either working a random job that I have no passion for or simply find something tolerable, I really don’t see a future where I am at.

This is really more of a vent since I know something like this is hard to give advice for but if anyone has advice of any kind I’d gladly take it