u/EbbingEel007

I hate getting so upset with the people I love. I’m not taking it out on them, I have the self control to not outwardly react in much of a perceptible way — they even call me an easy friend because they don’t know the slightest of what’s happening… but I get so fucking angry, so quickly, so often, over such minor & frequently inconsequential things, things that are really unfair to them to be upset over.

On top of that, I’m absurdly possessive of my friends. Again I never let that externalize — I always encourage them to diversify their social circles, invest in multiple friendships, meet new people, because I know that’s the healthy thing to do & I don’t want to drag them down to where I’m at emotionally… but I feel like I’m chewing broken glass every time I say these things.

Every time there’s someone that feels like competition, I internally get inclined to get nasty about it. I’m asexual-aromantic, I’ve got pretty much nil attraction to anyone much less my friends… but when my friends get partners I fucking hate them, pretty much universally. When my friends seek out relationship advice or things like that, I have to say repeatedly that I lack the objectivity to give advice but I can listen… and it just eats me up to not tell them exactly how I feel. Especially when possessive turns into quite protective when there are actually unhealthy relationship situations.

I’m tired of holding back so intensely on everything. It’s fucking constant that I’m redirecting myself, intellectualizing, trying to prevent myself from having external reactions, trying to externally be a healthy friend while I feel like I’m on fucking fire inside for it. I crave closeness & (platonic) intimacy but I can’t have it without feeling like I’m punishing myself for some cosmic fucking sin. I hate being like this. There’s people in my circles that just snap on & constantly abuse the people around them — while I’d never want to hurt the people I care about, I envy their ability to do that without consequences. I would lose everything socially if I did that. Plus all this BPD stuff is happening on top of being autistic, so it feels like all my social skills are on manual mode & it’s just so much energy.

Hey there, I’m a 23yo cis asexual-aromantic guy, diagnosed with BPD & ASD at age 18. Thankfully I had access to therapy (including DBT) early & am in a decent place. Probably the quintessential quiet BPD guy now, things don’t really show much at all but the storm still goes on.

If anybody needs a high accountability & very supportive friendship with no bullshit + no judgement, I’d love to get to know you. Send a message if you’d like to chat :)