My (23F) sister (33F) is pushing everyone away and paranoid. How do I cope?
My sister (33F) has 3 kids. They're all under 10 years old and she had the first one when she was 24, getting married at 23. My sister has always been highly strung, she is easy to set off, and autistic. I have always had heaps of patience for her. I look after her kids maybe twice a week. My parents look after and pick her kids maybe 3-4 times a week. They recently paid for a summer camp worth £250 per child so that my sister could get some time off.
My sister, also, has a long history of mental illness. She had a brief period of psychosis, she was anorexic.
However, here comes the big caveat, I genuinely believe that because of her children she finally has this conduit for her anger. She can never stand up for herself or have an argument in person, it's always over text, but if it's anything to do with her kids she will literally tear you down. She can never admit that her kids are doing anything wrong. Her kids will pull out her hair, demand separate meals made for every dinner, throw massive tantrums, kick her, punch her, and she will only respond with, "awk pet are you alright?"
you know the part that pisses me off the most? her boys are lovely. and if she were more disciplined, those boys would all be so well-behaved. they're fantastically behaved for me, and i know kids tend to act out more around their parents, but if i say no it's not a 10 minute back and forth battle. if i say no, they'll listen to me, because i don't change my answer. my sister will get 10 minutes of "but why. but why. but why?" and give in because she literally can't handle her children being upset with her.
i am genuinely scared for her mental health.
exhibit a) she accused me of purposefully not strapping her child into the car and lying about it because i told her that she needed to "put on a happy face for your child's birthday and stop loudly calling our other sister a bitch while he is opening his presents." (our other sister couldn't make it to his birthday but she gave him a £50 present the next day and all my sister could say was "it's about presence not just presents" - actual quote - it's also important to note that that was the first birthday that my other sister has ever missed and she apologised.). her kids actually started calling my other sister a bitch and my sister laughed at it and encouraged them.
eitherways, i got a long very accusatory message the next morning claiming that i purposefully didn't strap my nephew into his car seat properly. i genuinely cried at that. i've never been so disgusted by an accusation in my life. the day before i was the best auntie ever (quote from her) and i did everything i could to make sure those boys had a good day. while my sister was bitching about my other sister, i just went "ok boys! let's go do some painting!" i painted with them, we went to the park, we skateboarded! all while my sister sat screaming about how selfish my other sister was for missing one birthday. but because i told her she needed to calm down, i get that a four paragraph message accusing me of that.
exhibit b) i told you how much my parents do for her. they pick up her kids multiple times a week, look after them, pay for that expensive summer camp. it's never enough. ever. my mum asked for a card in return. it was her birthday the other day and she messaged my sister saying, "i felt hurt that you didn't even wish me a happy birthday." and my sister proceeded to go on a five paragraph long rant about how she has an autistic child and doesn't have time for happy birthdays.
i don't know what to do. i feel so frustrated with everything. i'm expected to spend about £100 per child. i'm currently working full time at the moment with a side job, so £100 at the moment isn't horrendous, but she refuses to believe that i'm ever tired because, "you'll understand real tiredness when you have kids." if i'm not in the mood to look after them all i get is, "life must be hard with unlimited free time." as though i don't have 2 jobs. i just... don't know. it's like nothing i do will ever be enough.