I am holding myself back
I feel so terrible currently. I haven‘t sh for like a year now and I feel shame for missing it. The other night I even „set everything up“ for it but I just couldn‘t do it. I just feel uglier and weaker after it, I know that, but at the same time it releases all the stress that keeps building up. I feel so trapped and guilty and just generally stupid for thinking about it. I can‘t even distract myself because I think of this all the time, no matter if I am at work, watching a movie, talk to friends or anything else. I don‘t want it to happen but I feel like I need to relapse in order for me to function properly again.