Can't seem to keep genuine friends around
Hi im trying to not well up in tears typing this but here I go. Im 22m growing up I've always struggled to keep friendships around mainly due to moving a lot growing up up until high-school. I also grew up very sheltered by my parents and and extremey religious which made me weird as a kid looking back on it. Became that depressed quite kid that most people ignored unless it was to try and bully me did end up have to physically fight here and there thougout high school didn't gave a damn if I got in trouble or not me and my brother were theaten with juvie at worst. Did kept in touch with a old friend group which im no longer apart of but did kept a best friend for like 6 years up until recently. After getting out I started working had a few shitty jobs here and there until I got to my current one where I thought I've met people that would stick around for once. Introduce my best friend to some of them and they all got along well until I started to have family issues and the bottled up depression and past trauma that finally got to me. Began to drink in a effort to quell, escape and numb myself for a few months. Eventually most of those friends noticed and called me out on it and then decided to come out to them and talk about my issues and disscussed them. After a few more months after my best friend along with them then proceeded to completely distance themselves. Stopped wanting to play online games when ever I try to reach out, Stopped replying to my texts in group chats. They always mostly say that their busy a lot of the times but still see them all online playing together. Confronted my best friend about it and he said that everything was "okay" and that "It wasn't a big deal". Promised my that he would start inviting me again with the group but fucking nothing. Eventually did end up getting help for my mental issues and got started on SSRIs and manage to stop drinking altogether at the moment. Still ended up developing SI and think of it often. Haven't told my therapist about that don't want to get hospitalized for it. I'm so goddamn fed up with everything but im trying my best. It just hurts that what I thought were my friends especially my best one just had no problem leaving. Real friends are supposed to be there for each other right? I just feel so alone right now especially at night. Is this how its always going to end for me? Just fucken torture? Im I just that horrible? I hate it here. Why was I born into this shitty hellhole? I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I just dream and fantasize of disappearing constantly restarting with a clean slate but can't too poor. Only thing keeping me together and from the going of the edge now aside from my meds is my digital art that I've picked up to keep myself distracted and an online friend that I could talk to on occasion. Can someone relate?