Rejoining guilt
So my baby has been formula fed from 2 months. Now he's 8 months old. I have a medical condition and I cannot feed him due to that. That guilt is already killing me inside. Now that he's waking up several times a night and I'm not getting enough sleep, I wish I could push my joining date as late as possible. People think that formula feeding is easy. They leave statements like, "He's not a mother-fed, then what's the issue ? I'll take care and you start working". But what about the night time and endless chores that are accompanied throughout the day ?. I feel very very tired at eod and again there's a shift coming in. Everyday feels like 2 days and how can I even think about rejoining and put additional work on my back ?
Am I overthinking? Please suggest. It's actually my MIL who's pushing me to rejoin and that's even more irritating for me. My husband is very supportive but has 14 hours of work in a day so he's supporting a little when it comes to baby related chores. We have a nanny but I don't feel she's great. I cook all baby meals, her meals as well. She sleeps when the baby sleeps and doesn't help in his bottle cleaning and not even a bit for his meals. She gets 3+ hours of break in her 9 hours of shift and I'm endlessly working. So I'm planning to change her.
Please let me know about the nanny roles as well. I know it depends but still the basic ones will be helpful for me finding the next nanny.