u/Effective_Piccolo_24

probably gonna spend a lot of time outside this summer especially since i really need to work on myself and like mingle but im just not quite sure what to do exactly

i know a lot of is just hanging out with friends in various places but when im not hanging out i will need a way to actually get money to hang out with

like of course i can ask my parents but i rather make some of my own money but idk what jobs i could even work over the summer that'd take in a 16 yr old short scrawny kid. how do you guys even find jobs if you do at all? guess im a really technical person but probably better if i worked in the service sector lol

everything seems to be mostly fine?

i still cut sometimes out of boredom but not really because i desperately need to or anything. not really suicidal much either seemingly. at least nothing out of the ordinary

honestly im really glad he came into my life. it was really fucking sudden and im surprised i did so much with him honestly. though my time with him has kinda confirmed something i was afraid of

intimacy in general ranging from hugs to kisses to OTHER stuff does make me feel pretty happy as im going through with it but after a day or so passes it always feels like it never happened and i go back to being meh. like at least i dont feel starved or anything but i dont feel full either. i always imagined kissing for example as something that would.. spark me in a sense? like id expect to feel something suddenly change inside me or freeze or just feel SOMETHING and like i do feel happy, love and so on but it's also kind of mechanical. funny thing is i can basically never have enough and every kiss just turns into another 😭😭

i still have mood swings. i dont think im angry as much anymore but i do go from feeling really depressed to feeling "okay". my bdd still affects me but i dont feel the need to body check which feels great. having someone who genuinely likes me and my body and so on gives me just enough validation to get through life even if i still feel ugly sometimes.

im considering begging my parents to take me to a psychologist or something even if i embarrass myself because im getting kind of desperate to start healing

that's it for today. goodluck

honestly it was just really confusing and i still haven't processed it fully.

just describing everything we did in my head feels like its out of a fictional story because of how easily we managed to move from just a kiss to basically making out on his lap but i got my first pretty much everything in one day. maybe except sex but doing stuff to him was more than enough

kind of feel ashamed i hurt myself all those years just for it to come so quickly. my self esteem in general was and still kind of is in the gutters and i just felt horrible. im just glad im lovable i guess.

couldn't get the xanax, too many issues happening so i guess ill be here for a while longer. especially with him