u/Effective_Piccolo_24

blue blue blue blue blue stripes

bf's mirror mine's less dirty trust </3

life is kinda tiring

anyways im kinda bored this summer. i need to like... do more stuff. i dont have a lot of friends now and the few ones i do have are seemingly busy.

gonna try to learn the guitar ig

well old news but still kinda fucking funny

uhmmm anyways if u actually keep track of my posts ive been doing better lately evidenced by my lack of posts. i havent cut at all and i seem to eat a bit better these days and i just feel okay.

i know constantly talking about this is attention seeky but i cant talk about it to anyone thanks to the wonderful place im from but honestly just having someone who loves me helps tremendously. it hasn't solved EVERYTHING but it helps so so so much.

eating rn. love you all

having trouble living life properly due to it recently :/

hiiii new phone finally. my photos look better!!!!

anyways. as always im doing mostly okay. i wouldn't really describe myself as depressed but i just dont have motivation for much anymore. i might have to repeat the year if i dont pass this fucking maths exam and i probably wont so im fucked. whatever i guess.

in any case, i havent worked on my room or like myself at all. i still cut sometimes. i still undereat despite hating how my arms look and i just dont go outside a lot due to bdd. im thinking of buying a beanie just so i have a little more motivation to go out to be honest but that is if i even go outside to get the beanie to begin with lol. i guess one positive thing is that im trying to learn the guitar? i find it interesting and im slowly figuring it out as i go i suppose.

honestly even if i could go outside without overthinking my appearance i still would feel as frozen as ever when looking for... stuff that actually changes me? clothing, stuff for my room or whatever. honestly the more i spend time planning the more i cant bring myself to do anything.

i know that probably no one here planned their room from 0 and followed everything to a t just for it to look normal but im just such a weird human being that i cant imagine any other way and im scared of doing something i regret. i guess i can start with posters on my wall but im just scared its gonna look bad or i put something stupid up or whatever and someone just judges me i guess.

im kind of ashamed of myself for not changing at all all these months.

i was wrong; having someone who loves me truly doesn't help me at all. like... it slightly helps? kisses, sex, someone who genuinely likes me for me and so on and so forth but the compliments and everything just doesn't truly help. it always leaves me wanting more or not believing it.

i just dont know what to do anymore. before, i felt inferior seeing people in relationships but now i feel inferior seeing people who can freely express themselves. it's the same type of feeling, exact same. the feeling of like a pit inside me because i will never be like them. because im not them, im inherently boring i guess.

to be fair i said the same about relationships but i have one now... but this feels like im certain about it. well, i was certain about the other stuff as well so maybe not. idk.

hope u have a pawsome day

probably gonna spend a lot of time outside this summer especially since i really need to work on myself and like mingle but im just not quite sure what to do exactly

i know a lot of is just hanging out with friends in various places but when im not hanging out i will need a way to actually get money to hang out with

like of course i can ask my parents but i rather make some of my own money but idk what jobs i could even work over the summer that'd take in a 16 yr old short scrawny kid. how do you guys even find jobs if you do at all? guess im a really technical person but probably better if i worked in the service sector lol

everything seems to be mostly fine?

i still cut sometimes out of boredom but not really because i desperately need to or anything. not really suicidal much either seemingly. at least nothing out of the ordinary

honestly im really glad he came into my life. it was really fucking sudden and im surprised i did so much with him honestly. though my time with him has kinda confirmed something i was afraid of

intimacy in general ranging from hugs to kisses to OTHER stuff does make me feel pretty happy as im going through with it but after a day or so passes it always feels like it never happened and i go back to being meh. like at least i dont feel starved or anything but i dont feel full either. i always imagined kissing for example as something that would.. spark me in a sense? like id expect to feel something suddenly change inside me or freeze or just feel SOMETHING and like i do feel happy, love and so on but it's also kind of mechanical. funny thing is i can basically never have enough and every kiss just turns into another 😭😭

i still have mood swings. i dont think im angry as much anymore but i do go from feeling really depressed to feeling "okay". my bdd still affects me but i dont feel the need to body check which feels great. having someone who genuinely likes me and my body and so on gives me just enough validation to get through life even if i still feel ugly sometimes.

im considering begging my parents to take me to a psychologist or something even if i embarrass myself because im getting kind of desperate to start healing

that's it for today. goodluck

honestly it was just really confusing and i still haven't processed it fully.

just describing everything we did in my head feels like its out of a fictional story because of how easily we managed to move from just a kiss to basically making out on his lap but i got my first pretty much everything in one day. maybe except sex but doing stuff to him was more than enough

kind of feel ashamed i hurt myself all those years just for it to come so quickly. my self esteem in general was and still kind of is in the gutters and i just felt horrible. im just glad im lovable i guess.

couldn't get the xanax, too many issues happening so i guess ill be here for a while longer. especially with him