u/Efficient_Sloth_

I just got back from holiday with my now fiancé who just proposed 3 days ago. However, the relationship is now holding on by a thread because of an argument we had yesterday. My then boyfriend did a beautiful proposal for me. I was really shocked and happy that he had asked me, and that he had done everything I had asked him to. However, we got into an argument 2 days later because he was annoyed that I wasn’t planning out our last day. He’s a type A type of person whereas I’m not. I can be type A but he is a lot more structured and logical than I am. So when we were arriving in Venice the day before he mentioned that he wanted me to plan out the day because he was overwhelmed from planning out the proposal and the holiday for the both of us. We didn’t plan out the day for Venice as we both agreed we would wing it when we got there. But when we were 1hour away from arriving he said he wanted to plan out the day. So I agreed and started picking out things to do. I guess it took me a long time and I didn’t really have much of a plan by the time we arrived that he took the reins and gave the day some structure. I did acknowledge that and say thank you for it. We had a lovely afternoon then went to bed pretty late.

The next morning was our last day and here’s where the argument started. I had woken up earlier than him and was just scrolling on my phone and went to the toilet, but didn’t want to start packing in case I would wake him up. I wasn’t planning anything for the day because I just wanted to have a bit of quiet time looking back on photos of the proposal and waiting for him to wake up so we could cuddle. I was going to get ready first as it takes me a while, then start tidying up the Airbnb and planning out the day. I struggle to do multiple tasks at once because I get overwhelmed easily and make a mistake or forget things. The whole time I was in bed he had been awake and was watching to see if I would be proactive about planning the day and sorting out the logistics of the Airbnb. So when we started getting ready he was sorting out the Airbnb as well as packing and getting himself ready for the day. I could tell something was wrong and had to drag it out of him. He eventually said, “Have you thought about what we’re going to do with the rubbish, the flowers, our bags etc”. He said that I don’t take initiative and always wait for him to sort things out. I was really annoyed hearing that because he firstly didn’t communicate what he was doing, because if I knew I would have helped him, secondly that he assumed the worst of me and that I wouldn’t do anything unless he told me too. This turned into an argument that lasted all day. I was also annoyed because I would have had a lot more patience with him at a time like this where we have just gotten engaged. It was supposed to be a happy time and be he allowed something that could be sorted with some communication to spiral out of control.

During the argument he also mentioned that he was really disappointed with my Mum’s reaction when we called her to say we were engaged. I was also really upset because she didn’t sound excited in the slightest and just acted as is if we were showing her our dinner. All she kept asking was “why didn’t you tell me?” I explained that I didn’t know it was happening and was really confused and hurt by her reaction. I thought maybe there might be some part of her that doesn’t understand western proposals as she’s African, but surely you should be happy once your daughter tells you she’s engaged. She acted as if it were nothing. My partner went for the toilet in the middle of our phone call because of how awkward it was. I had to directly ask her”mum are you happy? Are you even going to say congratulations?” She said she was happy and said congratulations, but the fact that she had to be prompted was just hurtful. My partner has had issues feeling as though he is not included in the family and that my mum doesn’t like him that much. Either based of her behaviour or his interpretation of her behaviour. But this really cemented that she doesn’t approve of him. I explained that I don’t know why she reacted like that and tried to smooth things over during the dinner. He also was visibly confused and hurt by picked himself up and we continued with our dinner. But her reaction really did ruin the vibe for us both. My plan was to talk to her when I came back, so I didn’t want to broach the subject because it is awkward and I didn’t want to cause an argument between me or him or me and her. He said that my way of wanting to deal with the situation caused him to get more hurt. Because I didn’t acknowledge how it must have felt for him. So he had a niggling feeling about her reaction for two days and now I didn’t help the situation by trying to avoid talking about it. I never had any bad intentions I genuinely didn’t want to bring up something and hurt him more and speak on her behalf when I myself don’t know why she reacted like that. He said I didn’t protect him and that I should have called her privately and spoken to her about it. I think I was scared to do that because what if she didn’t approve or had something negative to say? What would I tell him?

His mum has such a different reaction, she was so happy and congratulated us. She asked for details and how it went. She had such a normal reaction compared to my mum. She is very involved in his life and he can speak to her about the relationship and any issues that he has generally. She gives him independence but also good advice and has a level of respect towards him. I don’t have that with my mum, she’s very controlling and guilt trips you when you voice you don’t like something she’s done. Doesn’t really know how to have a conversation other than talking at you and telling you off or lecturing you on something. She doesn’t ask me much about him or our relationship and I feel she has an issue with letting me go because I’m growing up and she has less of a hold on me the more I grow up.

We apologised and tried to patch things up but the feelings of hurt didn’t go away for either of us. We both separately went to the airport early and bickered more there. We both said sorry and he tried show good faith by getting me some tiramisu.

But he then asked for a break from the relationship until I found out from my mum why she reacted that way. So now we’re not talking and I feel like we’re headed for a breakup. I asked him what would you do if it turns out she doesn’t approve of you. And he said he would consider breaking up.

I have no idea what to do or feel. I held back tears the entire time we were travelling back. I spoke to my sister who said that mum is so traumatised by her life and ex husband that she doesn’t really act normally or process things normally. She said I shouldn’t expect that type of normal reaction from her or that I can get much of a relationship with her. I do agree - I keep my life very separate from my mum and wouldn’t consider us close, because she is very difficult to deal with and always seems to be looking for an angle with any news or information you tell her. She is a very negative person and highly suspicious of people. I just hoped that she would be happy considering her first daughter was engaged.

I will speak to my mum, but I don’t know what to do afterwards. I don’t feel like I’m engaged and this is probably one of our worst fights. I just can’t imagine this being what we remember for the rest of our lives. I just feel like we’re headed for a breakup now because of how disastrous this has been. How do I even fix this situation?

Am I dreaming too big?