u/ElaPerki

Note: This is can MF4 as well but it was written to be F4M so that is why label as such. The more ham you go with this I think the funnier and better it will be. I warn you now it’s silly lots of innuendoes and is not supposed to be taken seriously, but I hope you still like it. (Or get a laugh out of it at least.) Enjoy. Dine in only

*a light knock on the door*

Are you ready, my dear? If we don’t get going soon, we will miss the previews of your movie, and I know how much you enjoy watching them. Plus, finding a seat in the dark is a lot harder than if we go when the overhead light is still on.

*door opens and speaker sighs contently*

Ah, you look just as radiant as the day I met you. I’m such a lucky man to have you by my side all these years*.  *light chuckles** What? I am! You have made my life so much better, the mother of my child, the love of my life, my everything. I can’t and don’t ever want to imagine a life without you, my dear. I don’t regret the fifteen years I have spent getting to know you, chasing after you, dating you, and then finally getting you to marry me. And I hope I get to spend another eternity of years more with you.

Of course I will help with you zipper, my dear *footsteps and zips up dress* Hmm, on second thought we could-*a hit and laughs*  Well, you can’t blame me for trying when I have this beautiful specimen of a woman in front of me, that I only have eyes for, can you? You drive me crazy, you know? *chuckles* Yes, even now, to this day, you do.

What? I don’t mean crazy as if it’s a bad thing—though, you can be a little bit of a terror, and very demanding when you want to be. Hmm, I’m just kidding, my dear. You drive me crazy in love, is all, like a fool who doesn’t know which way is up or down, doesn’t look to see where he is walking, and  generally has no self-awareness anymore, because all he can think about is his love. I’m still smitten with you. Yes, even after all these years, and I’m sure I will be for how many more I get to live. *mwah*

Are you about ready now? Oh, you fuss over your hair all the time, but whether it’s up or down, it’s perfect. Oh, because you’re always fussing with it, right? *laughs* Seriously, you look good no matter how you style it.

Hey, don’t beat yourself up. You survived all those harsh treatments and beat your cancer. They said it could take up to a year or more for your hair to grow back normally, so give it time. We have all the time, now, for sure. Plus, it’s not your hair that makes you beautiful, you know? I’m not with you for your hair. I’m with you because I love you. Because you have such a wonderful, caring soul.

Your smile lights up the room brighter than the sun ever could. Your eyes are the clearest blue I have seen, and I could just drown in them, if you’d let me. I don’t know anyone who is more thoughtful, or more kind, who puts others before themselves, even when they are in pain and literally dying from cancer. I mean, I did find you helping that old woman walk her massive dog home right after one of your chemo treatments, which you were told to stay put, but your kind, stubborn ass didn’t, now, did it? And you almost fainted on the street that day, as well, because you’re too stubborn to let others take care of you when you need it. But I still love that you will help another, even in your time of need. You are just a big, wonderful sweetheart like that. You’re always putting others before yourself because you know how it is to not have someone care enough, right? Well, then, let me care for you. When I tell you are beautiful and your hair doesn’t make or break that beauty, please believe me, my love. It’s what’s on the inside that counts, as cheesy as that sounds. And that is what made me fall, so hard, for you. And, I promise, I will never go anywhere. *happy sighs and pause*

Plus, who would I raise our child with? You know how much of a pain in the butt I can be and no one else will put up with a mini me *laughs* That’s right, there is that lovely smile I fell in love with so many years ago. Plus, you are so strong my love, don’t forget that. To have a toddler and having gone through the chemo. I don’t know how you did it, but you did it, and I’m so, so proud of you. *phone alarm goes off* 

Oh, last call, if we don’t leave now, we will miss the previews. Plus, we’ll have trouble finding a decent parking spot. So let’s get moving along, shall we? Hmm? You have something you want to tell me and you can’t wait now?

What do you mean? You were going to tell me later but, oh, my Honey why are you crying, my love. Because of what I said? Dear, I didn’t say those things to get you to cry, I said them because I’m in love with you and I meant everything I said. You are a caring and wonderful person, those are all good things. Those are good traits to have. I don’t understand why that would make you upset. I know the cancer is probably still kind of upsetting, and I’m sorry for bringing that up, but I do think you are brave and strong for what you have been through, and that should be acknowledged as well. No? That’s not it? Then why are you crying my dear?

It’s just hormones?  Baby, I don’t understand here, it is your time of the month or—yeah, I said it? Okay, so do you want to stay in?  Are you not feeling well?  I mean, you could have told me and you wouldn’t have had to get all dressed up. I don’t mind staying home with you for a date night. We can watch a movie on the couch instead-no? What. I’m sorry love I’m so confused right now. It’s not your period. We won’t be seeing it. What do you mea—oh. OH! For real!? Are you for real!? Are you really? We are going to have another child? Honey, that is great! I can’t. Oh my god. *hugs listener and light sob* Thank you so much. Thank you for giving me another one. I just, you truly are my everything, you know? I don’t know how you do it. You are just, just so, I don’t even have words to describe the feelings I have right now, because I don’t think anything I could say would do it justice. You truly are my better half. I love you so much. *mwah*

 

 *door opens*

Ah, you are finally home.

Do you even know how sick and worried I was?

Or even what time is it even now?

Geez, and where have you been all this time?

Out? Just out with friends?

Which friends?

The ones in your chemistry class? You mean the weird tall guy and the one with the glasses?

Yeah, those ones? Oh, and that blonde girl, what was her name again?

Well, I hope there was no chemistry happening between any of friends seeing how you are now coming back through the door at 2am.

*scoffs* What? Jealous?  Only a little bit. *pause*

Okay, okay fine, a lot bit.

Well, of course I am. It’s not like you can really blame, could you? Why wouldn’t I not be?

I haven’t seen you all day, well, yesterday I guess now, and you were out with friends.  Doing only god knows what. You say just getting dinner, but dinner doesn’t last until 2am in the morning babe.

No, but the point still stands. You were out late with them, instead of being here with me. You know how I want to spend all my time with you, babe. Don’t you feel the same way?

I didn’t say that. I didn’t say you couldn’t spend time with other people. It just, you know how I am. I just get jealous easily because I get lonely when you are not here.  It’s hard for me to fill the time when I’m waiting to see you next, is all. You know you are my everything, right?

And I waited up all night for you because I didn’t know where you were. I was really worried, okay?

You didn’t answer your phone, which is not like you.

It was off? Why was it off?

Because it was dead by the time you went to dinner with your friends and you didn’t have a charger? That’s not like you. That’s kind of irresponsible. What if something happened to you and you needed it?

You would have found a way to call if it was truly an emergency. I guess, but still. You didn’t answer any of my texts.

Because it was dead, I know, you told me.

But what if I needed to get a hold of you? What then?

Yeah, I know you didn’t think that though, see what I mean?

N-No, this wasn’t a true emergency but still…it would have been nice for you to have replied back to me. Although… it’s not that I don’t believe you, but can I see your phone and see if it’s really is out of battery?

*sighs* Look, I’m not trying to start a fight here, I just need to see it to believe it for myself if that is alright with you, love?

Hmm, it is dead, sorry for acting like I didn’t trust you. Here, let’s go charge it for you. *rustling sounds as speaker plugs in the phone*

Okay, well that checks out, but could you at least let me know next time if you are going to be late? Call from a payphone or the restaurant’s phone please? You, not answering your phone and not sending me anything to let me know you were alright, really got me worried and I thought something bad happened to you.

Like I don’t know. Maybe your car broke down on the side of the road, or you were kidnapped, being taken advantage of in some way, or something like that but worse.

Don’t stay that. Don’t be like that, okay? I know we live in a pretty safe place but that doesn’t mean it still can’t happen. Murphy’s law is a real thing you know. Even if you think it’s just something silly and I’m being paranoid there are millions of people who believe in that type of thing.

I know you are sorry, and I’m sorry too. I know you can take care of yourself, but I just worry, is all. Plus, I like taking care of my baby. You deserved to be pampered, you know. You work really hard.

I like cooking you dinner and knowing you had a good, homecooked meal after you come home from class or work. I know my baby is getting all the nutrients they need to support themselves.

Plus, I like hearing about how your day went and all the other boring trivial things that go on throughout your day. It’s nice to me. It’s domestic, sure, but it makes being your (boyfriend/girlfriend) really mean something special to me. Because you are the most special thing to me there is; I just want to be special to you too.

Even if you think it’s boring, I just like being near you and hearing you yap, okay? Is there some law against that?

Then why do you accuse me so, like there is one, baby?

You’re sorry? Hmm…sorry isn’t good enough. I think kisses are needed to help plead your case. *mwah* Hmm..I said kisses not kiss. *mwah mwah* That’s better, your Honor.

I just care for you so much, I wouldn’t want to see anything bad happen to you, is all. I don’t know what I would do with myself if anything did. I’m sorry if that makes me too clingy or annoying as well.

I do want you to have fun with your friends, I just want to know that I matter enough too. I know we have only been together for a short time but it feels so much longer to me, you know?

Yeah, yeah I know you’re sorry about earlier. I overreacted too. You want to make it up to me? Hmm, well how about some cuddles? That would make me feel better?

Yeah? And maybe a movie night? I get pick the movies? They can be whatever I want them to be?

Really? You promise now?

Hmm….pinky swear promise me? *chuckles* Good because I plan on one of them being a good horror flick to get you to cuddle up to me really good for the lost time you were you out and away from me with your friends. *chuckles*

Just kidding, I know you don’t like horror films. We can watch a comedy or some action one instead. I just want to spend time with you, my love. 

I really don’t care how we spend it, just as long as I get to spend it with you.

You make me so happy, and I’m glad I can make you happy too.

That’s great. I’m glad to be yours and that you are mine. I love you too, dear. Now, it’s late, how about we go get some rest, okay? Yeah, sleep cuddles sound wonderful too. *mwah*

 

 

Script below as well in case you rather enjoy that format

********

*knocking on the door while it is raining outside and coughing*

Please…please just open the door. *coughs* Come on, please, just open up for me. *door opens*

Ah, yay, you did come for me, like I knew you would, my angel. *speaker falls to the ground*

*bed sheets rustling light moaning from speaker*

Ah, wh-where am I?  This is not my ceiling, I don’t have glowing stars on it, let alone any posters on my wall. What poster is that, anyway? Some boy band or sport team? Ah, I’m too tired to make it out.

 And this blanket, I don’t have a pink one, but I bet they would have one. It’s the same color as the cardigan they wear to school. That lovely wool one that drapes over their pretty shoulders. I wonder if it smells like them. *attempts to pull up the sheets* Ahh, I feel so weak and my head hurts so much right now. Maybe I should just rest some more, whoever’s bed this is sure is comfortable. I wonder if it’s theirs, I surely hope so. Resting in their bed would be nice, but being able to hold them would be even better right about now *drifts off to sleep*

*light breathing as speaker falls to sleep, pause and then mumbling from the listener is heard before the speaker stirs again*

Hmm, that voice. It sounds so magical, and yet very familiar. Like someone who I have heard many times before and could listen to forever. It’s not my mother, it sounds too nice and pleasant, plus she wouldn’t sing to me if I asked her to.  So, who is it that is waking me from my slumber? *turns head and light moan*

Ah? Yes, I think I am okay. I’m feeling terrible and hot, if I’m really being honest, and I’m sorry for the trouble I have caused you. This is your room, right? I don’t remember how I got here.

Oh? I stumbled on your doorstop after I knocked on your door?  (Inner thoughts) No this can’t be their house. I cannot be in, let alone, within their bed. This is a cruel fever dream, if ever there was one.  Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t really *coughs* remember that. I actually don’t remember a lot from last night, my head still hurts a lot, and my throat is sore. I’m still so tired. Why, yes, I think some medication would be helpful, if it isn’t too much trouble for you. Thank you. *footsteps as listener walks away*

(Inner thoughts) No way, no way in in fucking hell am I finally within their house. I have dreamt of this moment for so long and, damn it, I can’t even do anything. *coughs* Ahh! Fuck! Why do I have to be sick to the point where I can’t even move? This was not how I thought entering their home would go. I want to see more of what they have, what they like, what they are into, how they decorate their space!  I planned to have a nice dinner date with them and watch a movie on their couch. Maybe getting to cuddle with them and then ending the date with a kiss. Oh, this is the worst thing ever! Such cruel fate! *footsteps as listener comes back*

Oh, thank you so much. I-I’m afraid I might need help to take them, if you don’t mind. *gulps and coughs* Thank you, I’m sure once they kick in, I will start to feel a lot better.

Oo-Ooh what are you doing? Oh *light laugh* of course! It is just most people would take someone’s temperature with a thermometer instead of their hand, I always imagined that would be for couples, just not deserving for someone like me.  Mmm, your hand is just very soft and cool to the touch, is all, it was a surprise to me. It was nice, you can touch me again, if you like? And keep your hand on my forehead for a while. *footsteps*

Wait, where are you going? Please come back, I was just kidding, you don’t need to—ooh. Yeah, this washcloth feels really nice too. Yeah, you are right, it is much better now. Thanks.

Huh? Seriously? You would make me some soup to eat if I wanted it? You are such a caring angel, my dear. I would love some soup, but I’m afraid I’m too weak to eat it on my own. You honestly would feed it to me? Oh yes! Please?!  I would love to have some, then. *footsteps*

(Inner thoughts) Ah, so caring they are. Perhaps this is a blessing then. Not only will they be cooking for me, but they will be feeding me too! Ah, I feel so giddy! How did I get to be so lucky? I’m in their warm bed going to be eating food made just for me. Please don’t ever wake me from this fever dream, if I’m dreaming, then.  

Hmm, I didn’t notice this bear here before. Is this what they sleep with every night to cuddle with? I’m jealous of you, Mr. Bear, how dare you get to be so close to my precious darling, but don’t you worry, you can go into retirement as soon as I make them realize that I’m all that they need now. *footsteps*

Ah, I’ll try to sit up. It’s okay, I can just lay here as is? Oh, thank you. *takes a bite*  Mmm. Your soup is really good and refreshing. It’s like you knew exactly what I needed. May I ask a question? Have you taken care of many sick people before? You seemed like you have. You just seem to have that caring gene. I’m sure anyone who gets to be with you will be so, so lucky. N-not that I’m trying to typecast you into any certain role, haha, you can do anything,  and be whatever you want to be. I just meant that whoever ended up being your partner would be very lucky indeed.

Um, you can sit on the bed too, if you like? I promise I will not bite you, I’m too weak to do so, even if I wanted too. *chuckles and coughs* No, I was just trying to lighten the mood after my question, I guess? I just noticed that you seem to have such a big heart is all, is what I meant to say.

For, I mean, who would take someone from the cold and bring them into their house, let alone giving them their own bed and taking care of them? Not many people, in this day and age, right? Um, yeah, I guess it’s the right thing to do, but one has to be careful, right? You just don’t know who is lurking about outside. You have to be careful, now, promise me you will be, okay? I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you. Err, that must be my fever talking, heh.

What do you mean by that? Oh, I’ve just seen things, and I wouldn’t want anything like that to happen to you, too. How did I know where you live? That’s silly, I lived down the street, so I guess I’ve subconsciously seen where you lived, walking home. You have never seen me walk this way before? Maybe you were just not looking hard enough, you tend to read when walking. Speaking of which, you read to me, I think I’m getting sleepy and that would help me. I-I know it sounds childish, but I am sick, and all. Thank you, I knew you would. Err! Sorry! Again, I’m not trying to typecast you, hehe.  *footsteps and speaker settle into the bed* Ah, yeah, that book sounds like it would be lovely, please start from anywhere you would like to read from.  

(Inner thoughts) Okay, Okay. Play it cool. Go with plan B now. You are in the house now. Just get your strength back and then you can have them all to yourself. Just keep pretending to be the helpless, sick boy and eventually everything will fall into place. *laughs*

Story here in case link doesn't work

*running and twigs snapping with heavy breathing*

Oh, come out, come out, wherever you are? Hmm, you know you can’t hide from me nor get away, right? Do you even know where you are? I bet you don’t, for all you know is that you are somewhere deep in the middle of the woods. You don’t even know which direction help is in, which is why you’re running so hard, isn’t it? You feel your heartbeat pounding not only in your chest but in your ears and it’s distorting your sense of direction, you know.  Will north lead me to the highway where I can hopefully wave down a tucker? Will I find a shelter if I head east? Will going south find me a river to follow so I can finally quench my thirst from all this aimless running that I’ve been doing? Or have I just been purposelessly, uselessly, running around in one great big circle all this time?  *twigs snaps* Aww, come on now, my sweet baby, just turn around and run back into my arms, you know that’s where you belong anyway. Stop with this silly game of yours already.

*sighs* I’m getting tired of this game of yours. I will admit, it was kind of fun in the beginning, but it’s lost its charm. You are trying my patience, my dear and, frankly, well, this is getting annoying. You are going to be covered in fly bites and probably get a rash from running into all that poison ivy. Not that I won’t take care of it for you, but you are starting to deserve the pain that comes from it, a little bit, at this point. You are not listening to me at all here and, well, that’s your fault, not mine.

*whistles low* Come on now, baby. I know you can hear me. Come out. *whack some leaves* You are somewhere around here, I know it, and if you don’t come out soon it will be dark and that’s when it will really be dangerous for you. You don’t know what troubles will lay in store for you if keep playing this game of yours any longer, dear.  You might think the animals of the forest are the most dangerous beast lurking in these woods but, I assure you, they are not.

Plus, weren’t we having so much fun back in the nice little cabin I made just for you?  You weren’t scared of me a few moments ago when you let me kiss you, so why are you pretending to be now, huh? Was it all because I loosened your restraints some? Is that it? Just enough that you could slip away and run out the front door from me? Is giving you just a little bit of freedom too much for you to handle? Shall I make sure to tie them tighter and not listen to your pleas this time when I find you?

Come on now! I’m getting angry here, baby. You’re not listening to me at all. *laughs* It’s like you are finding it funny to make me upset and, well, I’m not finding it funny at all. I would really hate to think what would happen when I truly am upset and I find you.

Ahh! *angrily hit a tree and stomps feet* You think you can run from me, you think you can hide? Huh!? I will find you; I’ll sniff you out like some crazed, mindless dog hunting some precious fox. There’s nowhere you can seek shelter from me here in this forest. Hahaha. I will turn over every damn leaf, cut down every damn tree, and burn it all to the ground, if I must. So come out, baby, come on out now. You know you want to. I know you’re getting tired of playing this game of ours. It’s so boring. You run, I chase, you hide, I find, you scream, I drag you back. Over, and over, and over again we play this game.

And for once, just once, it would be so much easier if you just gave in and did what I say, which is, for once, come out already! Be a good girl instead of a brat! Come here, little fox, come out, come out wherever you are. The big bad hunter is finally getting pissed off to the point that they will do something horrible if you don’t. Don’t make me regret what will happen next, dear.

Fine. Just fine. *sighs* They say counting to ten helps with anger. One. Two. Three. Four……Ten, there you are. *thump* Now, get on your feet and listen this time.  Back to the cabin we are going, and the restraints will not be loosened this time, if this is clearly what you plan on doing when they are.  Do you understand? Good. Now walk for me. *footsteps to fade out*

*window slides up and in crawls the speaker*

Ah, there you are, all blissfully asleep, curled up on your bed, surrounded by your familiar stuffies and your oversized comforter. Wrapped up like some precious god, amongst everything you would ever need to satisfy your Earthly carnal desires and yearnings, but you are missing a very important piece, my dear. For, you may be wrapped up tightly, but you are not wrapped up with my arms around you. *sits in on the bed and sighs*

You see, my dear, how this is so much better than anything you could possibility find to wrap yourself in?  You see how much closer we can be, should be? Ahh, such perfection. *sheet ruffles*

Shh. Shh. I did not mean to wake you from your sweet slumber; go back to your dreaming, dear. I know how much your beauty rest is important to you, even if it’s the one thing I will always disagree with you on. For there is no amount of sleep that could ever make you more beautiful than what you already are, my darling.

*chuckles* Then that’s a good thing, if only I say so. Others shouldn’t be looking at you anyway, and certainly not in that way. I would have to take matters into my own hands if that were the case, now, wouldn’t I? For no one should get to see my baby the way I see you, all sleepy with your hair tussled about upon your pillow, the sunlight entering your window, daring to be the first entity to caress your skin, yet the comforter getting to steal that joy, your tinted lips parted slightly, begging to be kissed upon, your breathing even on cue, chest rinsing and falling in sync, and doe eyed. *deep inhale* It’s like the eighth wonder of the world, and only I get to see it. Only I get to know about it. And there is no way in hell I would share this, any of it, with the rest of the world, Not my one true secret treasure. *content sighs* You’re all mine, whether you enjoy it or not. Forever. *smaller pause*

(concern tone) Hmm? What?  *sits up* Wh-why would you say something like that, baby? Why are you being so negative, so hard, on yourself, and saying such awful things about yourself? No, no, no. Oh, my sweet baby, please don’t be like that, you know I hate when you talk about yourself in that way. You know I would harm just about anyone who would dare think to utter such nonsense about you, so why, why baby, are you talking about yourself in that way? I detest the way you shamefully put yourself down from time to time, my love. For that is no way the love of my life should ever think of themselves. You are a beauty, a precious rare flower, among the ordinary meadow flora. Something that people could obsess over and spend a their lifetime to attempt to discover, yet never being able to find such an elusive prize. 

Why, if you were caught and laid out on a medical table, you would be the perfect specimen to be cut open.  But, no, I wouldn’t dare to, for I wouldn’t trust even my skilled hands.  Making even a slight mistake of any incision, on that perfect body, that magnificent skin, of yours, would be unforgivable and grave sin. An unsightly nick would flaw your skin, and I wouldn’t want to be held responsible for damaging such a specimen with my carelessness.

You are such a perfect canvass that any tattoo artist would be delighted to work on, that they wouldn’t even know what to draw upon your skin. They would just keep coming up with new ideas but never being able to choose.  That’s how perfect you are. You are just so glorious, so radiant, so stop attempting to argue with me.

I just don’t know how you could ever not see yourself like that, and no, I don’t just have rose-colored glasses on for you, but you certainly do make everything brighter and more cheerful when you burnish a smile on that pretty little face of yours. Oh, and what a face you have; it’s one that could make Helen herself jealous of. That smile of yours, alone, can change anyone’s day around…not that I would like to share you with others, or when you do smile at other people who are not just me. Don’t give me that look.  You know how bothered I get when I have to share you with the world. *whispers* I’m jealous like that. If I had my way I would keep you here forever and never let you out of my sight, which would be my personal heaven on Earth, you know?  Hmm, but I also know that smile holds your deepest pain, doesn’t it? I know, dear, but your burden isn’t one you need to carry alone, you know?

You don’t have to hide yourself away from me, my love, you know I will always be here for you, right? I mean, I’m smitten with you anyway, and there’s no way I’ll let anything, or anyone, take you away from me. I would do anything you wanted me to; just say the word and I’ll act upon your command like some lovesick fool, a puppy, a beast.  And, if you cannot see that, then I am not doing my job, which I take very seriously.  You know that, right? Good, good.

Now, let those silly worries go away, and don’t ever think of anything like that ever again, do you understand, my love? Those types of thoughts are not worth your time or your effort. You are too much of a deity to be concerned about worthless thoughts of jealous and pitied people who couldn’t come close to you.

Now, rest upon me, and let me do my job of taking care of you. Shh, that’s right, rest easy my sweet dear.