u/Elden_artist

I feel like a hollow shell. Like everything is underwater.

I finally was able to see a doctor about what I thought was the worst period I've ever experienced, on top of having a UTI. Turns out I had miscarried. I didn't even know I was pregnant. I'm an Intersex person. And I was under the impression for a lot of reasons I would never be able to conceive. Not to mention being on Birth control.

This whole thing gives me dysphoria, despite having complicated anatomy, I have lived my life as a man. It's what felt right for me. I didn't know how I could ever talk about this to anyone because of that.

We went on vacation a two weeks ago. And I got an infection, which made half of the trip really hard. When I came home it was like the worst pain I've ever experienced.

I worked up the courage to tell him today. He told me he felt like there was something I wasn't telling him. I expressed that I was scared to, because in the past when I've been in deep pain people usually bail on me. But I decided to try and be vulnerable again.

I tell him. And he proceeds to tell me everything he feels is wrong in the relationship. "to put all the cards on the table." Everything is spinning. I live 6 hours from him. All I really wanted was for him to come see me, or comfort me. Hear me.

Last week, he brought up a person who is apart of community he runs. This person disrespected me publicly, multiple times. Crossed lines, embarrassed me. I tried to address it privately at first because I wanted to give this person the benefit of the doubt. But at the third time, It became clear to me, this person was very hostile.

He told me he would handle having a conversation about them not being welcome back. It would create a tense environment for everyone involved. I didn't need to worry about it anymore ontop of having to heal from the UTI. I felt so relieved. In the past when people like this have hurt me, it was dismissed and denied. Finally at least I felt like this was something to find peace in.

Till today, he brought it up. When I told him I just needed to feel chosen. He has spending a lot of time going to parties, while I've been hurting. He said he does choose me, even if it's wrong. Saying how it actually goes against his morals to ban them from the space. And I was demonizing them, and not allowing them to have a chance to grow. I don't think they are a monster, I don't think anyone is. It's just I don't want someone to have access to me, when they've repeatedly hurt me.

he told me "this isn't your space." and "I was acting like it was." And what if someone else comes along who hurts my feelings. As if this is as simple as that. I've had plenty of disagreement in my life, and found amicable resolutions to things. There is a certain kind of venom, or wickedness I have seen in people. Not everyone you extend grace to is worth it. And I genuinely had a feeling in my heart that this person had ill intentions.

I call him. The messages he is sending are so cold and accusatory sounding. I don't want to misunderstand. The first thing he does is yell at me, "I have the full picture now." Talking at me like I'm something to defeat. That isn't how a partnership should feel. Even in disagreements.

I can't take my panic attack medication because of the antibiotics I'm on. I have a panic attack. He is at a club. I'm standing outside looking at my dad's house, and its warping. I feel so heavy. I try to tell him, he can do what he wants. It isn't my community, I only expressed I would be hurt if they were let back in.

I'm dumbfounded that this is somehow more important than the fact I've told him today I lost a life.

I'm probably going to breakup with him tomorrow. But I just feel so tremendously sad. I've been crying and shaking for the last hour. the last thing he said was "I have to go now, I love you."

But I don't feel loved at all. instead like I'm a thousand pieces, washing up on a shore, over and over again. Grasping at myself to try and put it back together

I feel so heartbroken. I really love him

Hello everyone.

I'm currently suffering from a flare up. And feeling very overwhelmed.

Three years ago I had a horrible UTI, that I got after my ex at the time had been very rough with me intimately. Not only that but I believe he was giving me exposure to gluten, (I have celiac disease) Which he admitted he didn't really believe that I had it, and hinted to exposing me to it intentionally. He refused to take me to the hospital, instead he went into work and left me till my mother and brother ended up driving 7 hours to come get me and take me to a hospital. At the ER they said my whole body was inflamed and prescribed me a 5 day course of steroids to help with the inflammation and some antibiotics too. It took a month and a half for me to feel normal again.

half a year passed and I entered a polyamorous relationship with two men, Cyrus and Ray.
both long distance. in two different states. They both were so lovely, I hadn't really had anxiety about being intimate with either of them. Ray came to visit me first. And on the last day of his visit I ended up with the UTI symptoms. I went to the doctor, no sign of a UTI but I got some antibiotics, and it took two weeks to feel normal again. But the pelvic pain persisted for longer.

Cyrus came to visit me two month later, and no flares up happened. We took a lot of showers together, and in general his hygiene was better than Rays.

I visited Ray at his place, and I got a flare up again. Lasted for about two and a half weeks.

I visited Cyrus, no flare up, but the visit was extremely difficult and It became clear that our relationship was unhealthy in other ways. When I returned we broke up. I still feel really sad about it.

I was on vacation with Ray and ended up getting UTI like symptoms. Burning, urgency, and pain. I went to a walk in clinic was prescribed a five day course of NITROFURANTION antibiotics, despite that there was no sign of infection. It's day three and my symptoms are even worse. I had some french fries last night that my brother made me. Idk if that could have caused things to get worse, they had chili spice on them.

My primary care doctor talked to me about this potentially being IC, half a year ago. I was referred to a Urologist who only told me what to eliminate from my life, rather than what to do to help. It was just a long sad list of eliminating all the things that bring me joy. And it was so disheartening. Even the GYN I saw was a disappointment.

I don't know how much of it is due to the fact that I am Intersex trans-man. And there seems to be a general mistreatment in medical settings, and lack of knowledge on what to even do for me.

My boyfriend Ray is so incredibly sweet. And I love him a lot. But I'm feeling so anxious now because every time we have been intimate these flare ups happen, and this time there was blood in my urine. I don't know what to do.

I'm not sure why it didn't happen with my ex Cyrus, other than the hygiene thing. And to top things off, when I was starting to feel slightly bad and then we were intimate it would clear up, almost instantly. Out of all the partner's I've had I've only been able to orgasm with him too. Sex is something that is sacred to me, I enjoy the closeness that comes with it, even without orgasms for myself. And I want to be able to enjoy it with my current partner without this fear that my whole life will be derailed for who knows how long.

I've been trying to get a job, and move out into my own place. With these symptoms I can hardly handle the idea of leaving the house. Ray has offered for me to move in with him, but he is a state away and now I am dealing with this anxiety about being with him.

I've been crying all morning, and debating going to the ER. I'm in so much pain. But I also know there is little understanding or empathy in those places in my experience.

I don't know if I should bother seeing that Urologist again, she was rude and dismissive to me when I brought up my pain levels. But the idea of waiting months to see someone new is also soul crushing.

I wish there was a place I could go where all the specialists I needed to see where in the same room. And could communicate with each other to help me find a solution. I hate the medical system here in the US. It feels so needlessly complicated, and ill organized. in Particular when it comes to health around our pelvic regions. There is so much internalized shame. I know even if I wasn't trans there was still challenges into investigating these symptoms. It is incredibly sad.

I feel so alone, and trapped in my own body right now. And could just use some words of encouragement or hope.