u/Electrical_Equal_190

Have never been so stuck in my life. Almost a year and a half after a short relationship and still can't stop thinking about my ex. I don't want him back. Never did, but he haunts my mind everyday.

35f here, have A LOT going on in my life right now and NOTHING at the same time. How is that even possible?!

I'm dead to the world, I'm dead inside. I do have one friend in the country I live but I can't even care for her as much as I should. I really appreciate her, but I can't bring myself to initiate conversation often. She knows my struggle and respects it tho. When she visits the city (she moved elsewhere after we met), we go out and it's always great to see her, but my social life is shit, I don't have a work permit yet (should change soon, and I'm terrified of working again), I'm stuck at home terrified of my parents passing away someday (now or later, I just won't survive without them as my main source of strength), I'm restless all day. My mind and body are so fried.

I have more family and friends back at my home country, and my sister and her children (I love them so much) nearby. I feel like I'm alive waiting for my cat and my parents to go before me so I have no "debt" when my time comes.

Oh and this is me ON MOOD STABILIZERS. It used to be much worse, but it's still incredibly painful. As much as I see things so clearly now and am not having anger attacks, no crying out loud, no fighting... I have no will to live. No plan. No energy. No brain cells...

I tried to KMS many times in the past. Decided to go to a psych ward last summer. It might have saved me from sui1cide at the time, but not much more than that...

I keep reading that it tends to get easier with age, but living the way things are right now, it sounds impossible to improve the slightest bit.

I haven't had actual sexual pleasure in ages, I can't focus on anything, I just lie in bed rotting hoping tomorrow I'll be gone. When I get the smallest kick of energy, I do something around the house. Living with my parents and they are so active, so patient with me. Wtf happened to me? This is so f up.

I truly believe the root of all my physical and mental problems to be living like a vampire. No medicine works for me anymore. The only thing making me asleep is sunlight at dawn. I hate this life. I'm so behind, drained, lonely and depressed.

Not actively suicidal for the past weeks, just wish I were taken away by an accident, murder or disease.

My most recent ex fucked me up during and after the relationship, finds ways to message me through fakes, and the last and only situationship I had almost a year after the BU was super toxic as well. Damn, my head is hell.

I just listed what I know I will need and will soon start packing. My whole life is a mess right now. Maybe the second time around it will actually make a difference for the better.