The SameAnxiety for 5 years!!! Need some input.
Basically, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 years, and in 2021 I started a new job during COVID. The workplace was super friendly, kind of like The Office—everyone joked around, had game nights, went out for dinner, and became friends. One of my coworkers, lent me a show, Supernatural, and we texted about it after borrowing it and I can’t remember exactly but it was at night. Btw I had each of my co worker’s numbers for work, and everyone knew I had a boyfriend. I talked about him all the time, and he even met my coworkers years later for Christmas dinners etc.
For some reason, not long after, I started getting really anxious that maybe I had done something wrong. I worried that maybe I flirted without realizing it, maybe I liked the attention too much, maybe I sat beside him on purpose, maybe I wanted his number for the wrong reasons, or maybe the late-night texting was inappropriate. I honestly know nothing romantic was said—we mainly talked about the show, or later on idek, work? I can’t remember now. Because I deleted the texts years ago because I was so anxious and now because I can’t read them, my brain keeps telling me maybe they were flirtatious and I’m just forgetting.
The hardest part is that this has bothered me on and off for almost five years. Every time I think I’ve figured it out, a new doubt pops up. If I remember one detail, my brain says, “Okay, but what if you forgot something?” I even remember telling my boyfriend about my anxiety over this back then because it was bothering me so much, but now it feels weird to bring it up again after all these years. Lately it’s gotten worse because of life stressors and the extra stress has made this old fear come back. At the end of the day, I don’t think I’m really trying to figure out what happened anymore—I think I’m desperately trying to know that I’m a good girlfriend and that I didn’t accidentally betray someone I love. I feel like unless I can remember every detail from five years ago with complete certainty, my brain won’t let me move on. I also used to never think it would bother me if my boyfriend did anything like that, and now I’m even second guessing that. I’m just a mess tbh.